TimT
I'm writing a manual of important steps for betrayed spouses to take after learning about the affair. If you a personal example that helps illustrate this point, whether positive or negative, please post it here. Anyone can post here, but if you are a forum member (so I have access to your email) and your quote is used in the book, I'll send you a free copy once it's released.

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The reaction to an affair is usually fueled by strong emotion. Betrayed partners have said they wish they had been more aware of the choices they had and more intentional about what THEY were doing rather than letting unfaithful spouse dictate what happened next.
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HonestWife
Well I was kind of stuck bc my wh was not telling me the whole truth. So in many ways I felt like I had to keep him around until I got the whole truth. Looking back, I wish I had kicked him out and said "come back when you have recovery and tell me the whole truth". The months and months of lies half truths killed me.


But I had no confidence at that time. And maybe he would have left permanently. Hard to know
Trying to make marriage work after my husband's 15 years of affairs. Just found out. Currently in house separation.
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Courage
HonestWife, I hear you 100%. Looking back I sometimes wish I too asked him to separate as I lived with so many lies about the affair. I guess I was terrified that if he left, he may have easily went back to her. I felt that if he was under our roof, I could keep tabs on him. Also, I thought, if he leaves, he won't have to see the pain he'd caused and it would have been easier for him not to come back. Who knows, but yes, I wish I gave myself time on my own to process this without him in the house. But who knows if that would have been the right thing- at this point we are rebuilding, so it's hard to say. I don't know if separating would have alleviated any of the pain along the way with having him stay.

HonestWife wrote:
Well I was kind of stuck bc my wh was not telling me the whole truth. So in many ways I felt like I had to keep him around until I got the whole truth. Looking back, I wish I had kicked him out and said "come back when you have recovery and tell me the whole truth". The months and months of lies half truths killed me.


But I had no confidence at that time. And maybe he would have left permanently. Hard to know
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Hope4Healing
This may not be a step per se, but it is imperative that the betrayed spouse remember that healing is never going to come in a straight line.  NEVER.  I didn't realize that at first, and I'd have a really good day and I can remember thinking "great, that part of my life is behind me, I weathered the storm, I'm good to go" and then I'd get hit between the eyes out of the blue and I remember thinking to myself "Oh my God, I thought I was over this."  That in itself presents you with an whole new feeling of hopelessness.  So it's important to remember that healing is more like zigging and zagging and those zigs and zags sometimes come multiple times a day.  Welcome the good days, but know that it could be years before you are completely healed, and even then I think it will always affect you.  Possibly not always in a negative way, every life experience can be used for something positive if we choose to allow it to.
Hope4Healing
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