In_limbo
Hi, I am new here. I have joined many forums on infidelity and I just found affaircare and affair healing something touched me and spoke to me - not just from a secular point of view but even from a Godly viewpoint. this is my story and hope that you all can help me with my situation.

I am a 36 year old woman with three small children oldest 6,4,2. I have been married for 10 years. I just found out on the 28th December 2015 that my husband had been sexually intimate with two women and had even fathered a child with one of them (this child is now 1and a half , and was conceived one week after I delivered my last child).

My husband confessed all this to me, he said that he told me because he had finished school and didnt want any stress and it was time to be a family again. I know that everyone is saying hunh? Background. signs of the end - that i should not have overlooked - I caught him sexting and he lied and said it was someone he just met on the internet - he eventually admitted she was an ex Girlfriend and I demanded he stop contact (which i later found out he hadnt) - started hiding his phone after this episode husband decided to go to school when my first born was about 2years old, this was in another town and by this time I was basically feeling that I was not married- he loved his phone more than me. he used to visit every two weeks finding me upset because it was usually he calls tells me he is coming and then he doesnt, or breaks his promises in one way or another - suffice to stay the marriage was one big mess. His school lasted four years.

I am confused, He basically initially blamed me for the affair because I didnt follow him to the town where the school was taking place. then he claims he cheated because he was in a low point morally, then he says he is remorseful and wants to change. He has not committed to NO CONTACT except by word of mouth, he is not committed to transparency and has days where he still hides his phones. (my latest reaction to this is talk to me when you can be honest). Oh and we are both Christians. other websites advised that exposure is the way.

This time i did ask for support adn told my parents. I just found out that his whole family and cousins knows about this and about the other child and noone told me! Everyone is saying divorce - I dont know what to do. I want to heal. Please help me. he says he wants to be with me and the family, in my heart my biggest fear is that he wants it to go away , have a wife adn a guilty secret. or he just doesnt want to feel.
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UrbanExplorer
I justified my affair with all of the resentments I had about my marriage, and it took some time to stop doing that and start working on myself. People often tell the BS to file for divorce, or they tell the WS to immediately beg for forgiveness. In truth, I think it often takes time for the dust to settle and for both spouses to make a clear decision about what it would take to move forward on either path.
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TimT
Your explanation of this seems to indicate that his purpose in confessing all this was more about him than sorrow over what this means to you. If that is true, I would be very cautious in trusting that the right kind of change has taken place. Of course you're uncertain and cautious! I hope he understands that and is willing to take responsibility for the repair work that needs to be done.
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In_limbo
Thank you TimT and UrbanExplorer.that is what i feel:That it is more sa,ve for his own guilt.we had a session with an elder from church,and it seems that that is when he realised,or started to realise just how bad things were. I keep vacillating between anger and righteous indignation and understanding why women commit angry acts,like chopping at trousers(i havent done that).
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Jazmine086
Hi,

I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I would hate to advocate divorce so I just suggest you follow your gut instinct. I would honestly suggest just taking some time for yourself just to gather your thoughts and figure out what you want to do for you. Betrayal is hard enough to accept.....then to add a child...another life as a constant reminder, that's a bit much. I don't get along much with my husbands family. He bashed me to anyone that would listen and as a result, his family feels comfortable speaking to me any kind of way. Separate yourself from all of the negativity and just focus on you and your children.

I wish you all the best.
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In_limbo
Hi Jazmine086, Thank you for your advice. I will have to face it one day at a time. I think the biggest thing is that I have had so many suspicions/cried so many tears that actually hearing that i wasnt deluding myself  and that he did commit adultery was a relief. Is it wrong to feel this way? I feel that I am on the path to forgiveness but I am so scared that I will open my heart again to be broken.
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ConfusedInLimbo
My heart really goes out to you In_limbo. May you find your way to healing.
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In_limbo
Dear ConfusedinLimbo, thank you. Its hard. but I need to live, so i move on...
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In_limbo
Hi, I am back after a long hiatus. I just thought I would let the affair healing community know what has been going on. I believe I have started forgiving him. Unfortunately, none of it has really resonated with my DS - he is still keeping his phones and still seeing his AP, for this reason i have gone on leave. Or rather, I have realised that I cant force him to change, I can only move forward with life. I have still decided to forgive but reconciliation is another thing altogether. we are still sharing a roof - but I have moved out of the main bedroom to the kids room ( I know I should have made him move - but I want to protect my kids from him - he is very charming and I don't want that (false honesty and lack of responsibility) for my kids). so I am currently treating him like a guest - My life is going on, my kids are being loved and being taught about responsibility, love, caring, sharing etc. What is your take? Divorce is not really an option for me at this stage (dday was 8 months ago, He is still in the fog). What can you advice? I still need help...
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TimT
In_limbo wrote:
...I believe I have started forgiving him. Unfortunately, none of it has really resonated with my DS - he is still keeping his phones and still seeing his AP, for this reason i have gone on leave... Divorce is not really an option for me at this stage (dday was 8 months ago, he is still in the fog). What can you advice? I still need help...

In_limbo, thank you for the update on your situation. You are doing your best in a difficult situation. Divorce is not an easy option for many, I know. Until you have the ability to make a more independent move, you have "separated" from him as much as you can. That's good. There can be no reconciliation when he is without remorse and continues to act in ways that serve himself rather than his family/marriage.

You can offer him whatever measure of grace you are willing to give (kindness, including him in meals, etc.), but you are not obligated to do so. The fact that you are willing to forgive is a good thing, I believe, but I'm glad you understand the difference between forgiving him and trusting him.

There is an exercise I sometimes ask clients to do when they are considering the condition of their life and the changes they would like to see in the future. I'll attach it here in case it is of any use to you.

One of our Community members, LadyFinn, once posted a message to another betrayed spouse that I thought was really powerful. Let me paste it here:

Quote:
“You and I are on a journey that millions of women have been on. Some say their marriage is better than it has ever been. Some divorce, some never rise above the anxiety, catastrophic hurt, the shock and absolute trauma. Some withdraw from life and become bitter old cat ladies. Some commit suicide, some stay in a hopeless painful imitation of a marriage. Some rage until no one dares be around them, destroying what is left of their lives.

“Some have revenge affairs and leave their children with a legacy of two cheating parents. Some stay on their feet, go through the motions for everyone else while inside they are certifiably dead. Some stay with the cheating spouse and punish them in every way imaginable until bitterness bleeds from the rafters.

“Then there are some who find a way through. Some use compassion and forgiveness, work on changing the way they think, their self esteem, their co-dependency and whatever childhood injuries have been assaulted once again by the actions of a betraying husband. Some do the extremely painful work of taking a personal inventory, assuming accountability for their own pain and its healing. They cry to flush away the losses and find a way to push past their pain, or walk along beside it. They do not allow one more second to be consumed by the fallout of someones else's inadequacies.

“I am limping down that path. That is the choice I am making. I am in control now... of ME. I am nowhere near the finish line, but there is room for you right beside me. I know who I am trying to be. Who do YOU want to be?”
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In_limbo
Wow, thank you Tim - that was powerful. I accept the exercise and I plan to do it because change is is painful, but necessary. It is amazing that despite the fact that adultery happens frequently, I still sometimes feel terribly alone in my pain.  I want to reach that point where I can stand and yelll that I am in control. I feel I gave him so much power in the relationship and taking it back is hard. I think one thing I have sorted out is to not let his actions move me or take up my thoughts - and that is pretty hard too
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