Jazmine086

Hi all,

I met my husband over 11 years ago. We were young and we worked together for some time. We dated but nothing serious ever came from the relationship. About 7 years down the line, after children (the both of us) and failed relationships, we started dating and less than a year later, we were married. During this time, we had issues with him talking to other woman and and being inappropriate under their post. He's also deleted conversations with woman he was talking to. I asked him specifically to stop talking to 3 females and at one point I thought he did.

I found out he cheated on me by looking online and seeing messages he had with woman asking them to meet up, telling them he needed a girlfriend and how he didn't wan tto be with me anymore. I found this out in October and had spoken to one at the time who confirmed they started having sex in January. Found out they had sex in my house, she's gone to company picnics, and was even planning vacations to family reunions together. When his mother found this out, she was more concerned with how I get this information opposed to telling him he was wrong. I agreed to work it out but a month later, he stayed out until 3am and things went down hill again. Fast forward to April, I go back into his email and find that he's had relations with over 3 woman, he's bashed me to every woman he has spoken to and they all seem to feel the only reason he is still with me, is due to them telling him to work it out. Even the one he brought home said she told him to work out his marriage during the affair... 

He claims to be so apologetic but honestly, I think he is only sorry he got caught because, had I not found out...he would have still been stepping out on me...How am I supposed to work some thing out with a man like him?

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Kalmarjan
Jello Jazmine086,

Welcome to the community, and I wish it were under better circumstances.

It sounds as if you may be on the right track in your thinking, at least when it comes to the current situation on how your husband thinks. It's possible that right now he doesn't realize the amount of hurt he is causing you, and how much that impacts his soul too.

It sounds like while your husband is quick to lay the blame at your feet for his emptiness inside, it could be because he hasn't discovered that it's HIS issue yet. This may be why he jumps from relationship to relationship with an obvious lack of boundaries.

I don't know your situation 100%,but I'm willing to bet it mirrors a lot of situations you'll read about here. In all of this, it matters more about what you do for yourself, making yourself all right here, than what he is doing to you in this situation.

I hope that the community will be some help to you through this tough time.
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UrbanExplorer
I'm very sorry. It must feel extra betraying that he badmouthed you to other women, even though he was probably doing it to soothe his own conscience and not because it is true. For certain, he needs to do a lot of soul-searching to find why he acted unmarried, basically, for much of your marriage.
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Anna26
Hi Jazmine086,

I'd like to echo what Kal has said in welcoming you to the community and I hope that you will find a lot of support here.

It sounds like your husband has some huge issues right now, would he be willing to have some kind of counselling to help him if necessary?
I'm not sure, but he's probably been trying to justify ( to himself) his reasons for having these affairs, telling these women that your marriage is bad, he doesn't want to be married...it makes him feel better about the whole thing and gives him a reason for continuing with it.
That's how it can all begin, it's okay,  'it's only a text, a coffee, a chat as friends', he's convincing himself that it's not a problem and he can handle it. Then as you know, it all escalates...

I think over time his actions will speak a lot louder than his words, and by that I mean, if he is serious about committing to you again and truly wants his marriage, it will show by what he does more than what he says.

I do know how you feel when you say his apology is more like he is sorry he's been caught and nothing else.  My husband's sounded just the same.  They seem to think to say it once is enough, and so far my husband doesn't seem to be that remorseful or sorry.  He's not very good at getting his feelings or emotions out, so I guess he maybe hopes it will all be better with time.

For now, there's not much you can do except focus on you and making yourself strong too.   Until he actually realises for himself, what he is risking losing, and what he needs to do about saving it,  it can be a bit of a waiting game. Sometimes the fact that you are getting on just fine without them, is a bit of an eye opener.

But you can't control his choices, and I for one wouldn't want to. I would feel like I'd pushed him into something, and I would never know if he were doing it becuse I said so, or because he wanted to!
So look after yourself too, the community is here when you need it.



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Jazmine086
Hello everyone,

Thank you all for your support. I don't understand his logic to be honest. On one hand, he admits to handling the situation in the wrong way...and agreed that he was 100% irrational about it all...He has apologized so many times however, I honestly just do not feel that he is truly sorry for what he did. We have a one year old so that means he cheated on me the vast majority of my pregnancy and then almost a year after I gave birth. I told him that I feel like he never gave our relationship a chance. Which he didn't. With the other females, he did not tell them that he loved them however with this one, he told her how he loved her and missed her...amongst so many other things. I honestly feel like he's just never loved me....For him to do something so extreme and so horrible. I honestly feel like it is best to move on from this situation. How am I supposed to overcome everything that he has done and more importantly, how am I ever supposed to trust him. I'm not really asking that last question, it is just how I feel.
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Anna26
Jazmine086:

You are not alone in thinking any of this, and it will take you time to process what has happened properly. And you do have time. There is no rush to make any hard and fast decisions about what to do just yet.
Just like the WS can be experiencing a kind of fog, I think the BS does too. You are completely numb about some things and enraged about others. My reaction was to start sorting out my future without him. I didn't do anything in the real sense but I began planning, another house, job, sorting out any entitlements. I think I was preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

We had spent so much of our marriage like most people, bringing up children, working and latterly supporting elderly parents. I was looking forward to 'time for us' and distinctly remember saying ' but we've never had any time for us'...

I felt like everything we'd ever had or done had all been a complete sham but all those experiences are still there, it's really just you perspective of them that's changed.That takes some coming to terms with. But you will, given time...
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Jazmine086
Hi Anna,

In a sense I feel the same as you do regarding the experiences however, because we have only been together 4 Years, I just feel like it's all been a lie...you know? I honestly feel used. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up and I don't even want to celebrate. I feel like there isn't a reason to even do so. Quiet as kept, I don't even identify as a married woman anymore...I feel like I would be foolish to do so.



Anna26 wrote:
Jazmine086:

You are not alone in thinking any of this, and it will take you time to process what has happened properly. And you do have time. There is no rush to make any hard and fast decisions about what to do just yet.
Just like the WS can be experiencing a kind of fog, I think the BS does too. You are completely numb about some things and enraged about others. My reaction was to start sorting out my future without him. I didn't do anything in the real sense but I began planning, another house, job, sorting out any entitlements. I think I was preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.

We had spent so much of our marriage like most people, bringing up children, working and latterly supporting elderly parents. I was looking forward to 'time for us' and distinctly remember saying ' but we've never had any time for us'...

I felt like everything we'd ever had or done had all been a complete sham but all those experiences are still there, it's really just you perspective of them that's changed.That takes some coming to terms with. But you will, given time...
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Anna26
Jazmine086 wrote:
Hi Anna, In a sense I feel the same as you do regarding the experiences however, because we have only been together 4 Years, I just feel like it's all been a lie...you know? I honestly feel used. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up and I don't even want to celebrate. I feel like there isn't a reason to even do so. Quiet as kept, I don't even identify as a married woman anymore...I feel like I would be foolish to do so.



I absolutely understand  what you're saying. The lie thing, it's weird, it's like you have been someone else for all that time.  You identify with nothing because the person you married is not who you thought they were.

In one sense it's easier the longer the marriage, because the longer you have been together the more memories you have, and you feel that you have something worth fighting for.  You forged your way through the world and have (had?) something very special together.  It's irreplaceable, and that's why you do feel you want to do your utmost to hang on to it.  You can't even imagine having to begin all over again and that in itself is scary.

I suppose when you have only been together a short while it's kind of easier (if that's the right word) to let things go and start again.   Does that make sense?

Funnily enough, I don't actually feel like a married woman either, (we are living separately) but neither do I feel single.  I'm a bit in limbo and can't move either way right now.

Don't worry about the anniversary, do what you feel you can manage, if you don't want to celebrate, then don't.  Just keep it low key.  You can bet that your husband feels the same way, not knowing what to do, but it's something we all have to get through at some point and we do.

It's my thirtieth wedding anniversary in July, ( pearl anniversary) after so many years you'd think it would be worth celebrating, but I don't suppose it will be. Also feel it would be a bit of a sham to do anything.  For lots of people it would be a special occasion, and it's a one off. And in one respect I feel like I'm missing something...

But one day at a time..[smile]


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hmichelle
I'm so sad and sorry to read your post. I too just celebrated my 3rd anniversary and we too have a one year old. It does all feel like a lie. All of it! I hate that we are here, I hate that we thought we were married to good men who turned out to be nothing but liars....really good ones. To think that so much of my marriage was shared with the OW is devastating to say the least. I keep asking my husband WHY? Why was she worth throwing away this marriage that you claim to want and claim you will fight for. Why does he want to stay married to someone who sees him in such a negative light now. That wasn't always the case, I tried to be the best wife and mom I could be. I'm failing miserably now because all of me wants out. I am so sad to think of a shared life with our son when we were on track for a beautiful life together. Like you, I am struggling. Today I told him I want a divorce. If he really wants to try we can work to start something new....maybe. But only after a divorce. Seems a bit dramatic when I type it out.....
But honestly, I feel this marriage is dead. He killed it. Sorry to be so negative, I'm having a very bad day here.
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Jazmine086
Hmichelle,

I really do not feel like your thoughts are a bit dramatic at all. I told my Husband the same thing. I have been telling him that I wanted a divorce from the moment I found out that he was cheating on me. I personally feel that they don't want to seem like the "Bad guy" so they stay and try to reconcile what they've broken. Imagine how they would look going around telling people that their wives left them because they decided to sleep around instead of being faithful...Not to mention the fact that they cheated while their wives were pregnant. It's horrible but I am at a really dark space in our marriage where I am just angry...Angry by his presence, angry by his questions...angry at his assumptions and angry at the way he chooses to handle our current situation. I would have been much more happier with my life and the outcome of this "marriage" if he would of just told me he wanted out. Now I just feel like this was a HUGE WASTE of my dang on time. So don't feel like you're feelings are dramatic because they aren't. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to feel EXACTLY how you feel.
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hmichelle
I can definitely relate to the anger part. I have been raging the past few months to the point of embarrassment.  Now I am just sad.  Sad that I chose a man capable of this, sad that I don't think I will ever love with my whole heart again, sad that my son and I were worth loosing to him.  He keeps telling me that we can repair this and everyone says something stronger can be built from the destruction.   But honestly I am starting to feel that people say that as a coping mechanism to feel better about staying.  I don't think I can do this 99% of the time.  I am still holding out for that 1% to make up my mind completely.  I truly felt our son deserved a whole family but I no longer think that is a good enough reason to stay.  I am giving him until the end of the week to provide me with phone records or I file for divorce.  This is agony.  And worst of all, I still love him.  So much love....wasted.
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Jazmine086
Oh man... I know exactly how you feel. One thing I am trying to learn and practice throughout all of this, is not to allow my one situation with my husband, predetermine how I am going to deal with my future encounters, in the event he and I do not make it. I have heard that relationships can survive these types of things and some times, they end up being stronger than they ever were however I am with you in this case. I can't fathom it, nor do I see it happening. Especially since he has  been cheating on me for our entire relationship and we have only been together for 3 1/2 years. I'm just like sheesh....you didn't even give us a chance to get settled and used to each other before you decided to step out...for me that makes matters worse because it's like...Why'd you even waste my time? You know? 

smh...All I can say is be strong...If you still feel like you are in love with him, give yourself some time before you make any final decisions. I do feel that he should have given you the call records from the very moment you asked, if he were serious about making things work...If he continues to hide and be secretive, follow your gut instinct and do what is best for you. 
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