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Laurajean83
JORGE wrote:



What you can do for yourself now is help fix yourself by fixing him. Shame is a powerful emotion that controls more of your life than what you know. You can remove your shame by committing yourself to helping him heal and recover as a man and the father of your children. You have broken yourself because you have broken him. Help restore himself so that he can see the light in himself once again. You have been so wrapped up in you, that you are unable to feel the depth of his pain and devastation. 

It will take uncommon strength to do so, but you have showed signs of becoming what is necessary to be what you need to be for you and your children and hopefully your husband as well. Strength is being able to come face-to-face with the damage you caused to his heart and soul for perhaps the first time, on a deeper emotional level. This is not easy, but it's what's needed to make amends. 



You are an interesting person Jorge.   I would be interested in your story.  

Here you talk about fixing him.. the BS.  I suppose the question I have is How?? 
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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anthropoidape
Laurajean83 wrote:
Jorge.   I would be interested in your story.   


Yes me too. It's not like everyone has to spill a lot of private details or anything. On the other hand I think we all feel comfortable posting our personal stories and challenges here because we know that other members are people who are also personally dealing with the real aftermath of rebuilding a relationship after infidelity in their own lives. That way we know we are learning from shared experience. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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Trinity
Im with you guys... Me too.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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JORGE
Laurajean83 wrote:


You are an interesting person Jorge.   I would be interested in your story.  

Here you talk about fixing him.. the BS.  I suppose the question I have is How?? 


Hi Laura Jean - Fixing him was an inappropriate phrase. Help heal him is better. She can't do it for him, but her influence can be more impacting than anyone else aside from himself, so she's in a unique position to help fix what she presumably broke. I say 'presumably' because not many words  characterized her husband's experiences, but it's safe to assume, he's as destroyed as any betrayed man or woman. She doesn't necessarily have an wifely obligation as she says she's not in love with him and wishes to not stay married, if I'm not mistaken.

However, one could say she has a humanitarian obligation to  help him restore his soul. Unless more information is revealed, he was undeserved at his life being permanently altered due to a spouses loss of marital integrity and the right thing to do is repent, and remorsefully engage him as an intimate friend who once was more. 

I'm on my last day on vacation and traveling home tomorrow from Cape Cod. Will gladly share my story when I return home. I've lurked since last Fall, but because my story was so tame in comparison to everyone else's I stayed on the sideline. Short story, was cheated on  bytwo fiance's within a 5-6 year period. The experiences was similar to many here, but i wasn't married which at times presents a whole new dynamic. I've been lucky to be married 20 years without a hint of infidelity on either side. I say that very, very carefully though because many betrayed spouses thought the same thing, only to find out different. 

Lastly, I'm here because I hate infidelity passionately. If I had a say in it, I'd make it a crime, as it's perhaps the most under discussed and destructive element in society. Damage is multi-generational and indiscriminately impacts victims from 8 months to 80. So, so ugly. My  disdain for infidelity is massaged by being here reading and offering what insight I can impart. One could say, it's also unhealthy for me, as I get angry at seeing people get taken advantage of by the weakness of others. Hurts to see that, especially when women are on the wrong end. Just a male female protective thing I guess.

I wasn't going to say this, but my experience on the wrong side of sex and betrayal I can attest to. Before I was cheated on I was a cheater and was a strong pursuer of woman. I wish I could erase that part out of my life. Geez.... so embarrassing and so destructive my behavior was. Being THAT guy, helps me help others, as I've been both. I lived in a big city as a single man and women were my hobby and habit so to speak. As wild as I was during that time, I've been infidelity free and perfect since then. 
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JORGE
My new friends.  I just remembered, I posted one of my experiences 2-3 weeks ago. Here goes:

What is the '180'
I realize this is an old thread, but wish to add anyway. Similar to keepapbuzz, I too had applied the 180, not knowing it was he best thing I could do at the time. My fiance' was avoiding me for weeks and I naively thought she was stressed and committed to studying for the bar exam. It was part that and part not believing the obvious. Never would I have thought she was capable of cheating, so I was behind the eight ball by a wide margin. Before I even knew or suspected she was in an affair the sex had already been happening. 

After approximately 6 weeks of little to no contact, I GOT THE MESSAGE and disappeared. I stopped calling her. After 4-6 weeks of silence on my part, she calls with this f'n cheerful Hi! I'm silent, not because I'm trying to be rude, but was perplexed because I thought she was just going to let us drift away, which I was fine with by this time. Anyway, during the 180 (which was the 2nd one in 4 years for me) I still was able to detach, which healed my broken heart. In time, it wasn't hard to avoid wondering what she was doing and who with. I simply stopped wondering or caring after a while. 

So her first call to me was weird because she ignored the past 3 months of nothing between us. She calls again a day or two later and the pattern picks up to pre-affair days. To make a long story short, she saw I was gone and wanted to reel me back in. What she didn't know is I'm incapable of going back to an unfaithful person. It's happened twice and each time, I was gone the second the betrayal was confirmed. I am convinced in retrospect that had I continued to chase her, she would have never attempted to get back with me for the next 18 months. 

I did the 180 though, not for her to try to get me back, but for me to move on and regain my emotional health and confidence. I was humiliated that someone I had asked to marry would allow another man to enter her body. For me, that's the kiss of death. There is no tomorrow.
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ssix6pack
JORGE wrote:


Hi Laura Jean - Fixing him was an inappropriate phrase. Help heal him is better. She can't do it for him, but her influence can be more impacting than anyone else aside from himself, so she's in a unique position to help fix what she presumably broke. I say 'presumably' because not many words  characterized her husband's experiences, but it's safe to assume, he's as destroyed as any betrayed man or woman. She doesn't necessarily have an wifely obligation as she says she's not in love with him and wishes to not stay married, if I'm not mistaken.

However, one could say she has a humanitarian obligation to  help him restore his soul. Unless more information is revealed, he was undeserved at his life being permanently altered due to a spouses loss of marital integrity and the right thing to do is repent, and remorsefully engage him as an intimate friend who once was more. 

I'm on my last day on vacation and traveling home tomorrow from Cape Cod. Will gladly share my story when I return home. I've lurked since last Fall, but because my story was so tame in comparison to everyone else's I stayed on the sideline. Short story, was cheated on  bytwo fiance's within a 5-6 year period. The experiences was similar to many here, but i wasn't married which at times presents a whole new dynamic. I've been lucky to be married 20 years without a hint of infidelity on either side. I say that very, very carefully though because many betrayed spouses thought the same thing, only to find out different. 

Lastly, I'm here because I hate infidelity passionately. If I had a say in it, I'd make it a crime, as it's perhaps the most under discussed and destructive element in society. Damage is multi-generational and indiscriminately impacts victims from 8 months to 80. So, so ugly. My  disdain for infidelity is massaged by being here reading and offering what insight I can impart. One could say, it's also unhealthy for me, as I get angry at seeing people get taken advantage of by the weakness of others. Hurts to see that, especially when women are on the wrong end. Just a male female protective thing I guess.

I wasn't going to say this, but my experience on the wrong side of sex and betrayal I can attest to. Before I was cheated on I was a cheater and was a strong pursuer of woman. I wish I could erase that part out of my life. Geez.... so embarrassing and so destructive my behavior was. Being THAT guy, helps me help others, as I've been both. I lived in a big city as a single man and women were my hobby and habit so to speak. As wild as I was during that time, I've been infidelity free and perfect since then. 


i can see the passionate hatred for sexual sin in my husband now. It’s interesting how that works. 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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