neslon
I feel like my husband and I since the affair began and likely at the point of disconnect - fail to communicate well anymore.  It's like we both read/hear everything with subtexts.  I want to be able to communicate without the pain/2nd guessing/fear/and about 99 other feelings.

I can't tell if its getting better or not.  ugh!

A simple conversation about helping our daughter with her homework made me feel attacked and him feel defensive and like I always take the negative view.

Sorry...needed the rant.
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
neslon wrote:
I feel like my husband and I since the affair began and likely at the point of disconnect - fail to communicate well anymore.  It's like we both read/hear everything with subtexts.  I want to be able to communicate without the pain/2nd guessing/fear/and about 99 other feelings.

I can't tell if its getting better or not.  ugh!

A simple conversation about helping our daughter with her homework made me feel attacked and him feel defensive and like I always take the negative view.

Sorry...needed the rant.


I have felt exactly the same way. Except my wife mostly freaks out and says "I just can't do anything right! It never going to be enough to make up for what I've done". Now this has been some time ago, you didn't mention here how long out from d-day you are. We are 13 months. I had all the pain, and 99 other emotions as well. It's tough. For quite a while all I focused on was the bad, and there was plenty of it! But that was literally ALL I could see for awhile. Rightfully so, but not helpful in the long run. When venting to my Mom one day she said "you have to give her at least a glimpse of hope, or you might as well leave now and stop wasting both of your time and misery". She was right, so I started to make a point to tell her all the things she was doing right, every time I said she was doing anything wrong. It has really helped. But believe me for quite a while I walked around as either a raging bull, or completely withdrawn, and she walked around in egg shells constantly. Not knowing which I would be. It all boiled down to the fact that I didn't know what she was really thinking (couldn't believe a thing she said after what she had done) so I assumed the worst. She also didn't know what was going through my head (she sure did when I was in bull mode), so she also assumed the worst. We both had to commit to openly talk about exactly what was going through our heads at anytime. There were ground rules. Neither of us had to talk at "that" moment if we didn't want to, BUT we had to discuss it before we went to sleep. Doing this REALLY helped to us to understand each other better, and what we were each going through. I hope that helps you! It helped us, and we are both REALLY hard headed, and im a man that, of course, doesn't want to talk about my feelings...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 1 0
neslon
Thank you for the answer! Dday was April 25th, 2016 so we are still under 6 months.  I feel like I'm trying to give him positives but I think I read it out there somewhere in internet land that 1 negative reaction debit has the same power as 5 positive bids in the love bank accounts.  

My IC thinks I'm somewhat stuck in a pursuer role also so I'm trying to be positive yet not pursue which is just confusing the hell out of me as we are attempting to reconnect.  I think I need to relax and let a little time pass too...but so damn hard as my family is my foundation.
Quote 0 0
Negarcia
neslon wrote:
Thank you for the answer! Dday was April 25th, 2016 so we are still under 6 months.  I feel like I'm trying to give him positives but I think I read it out there somewhere in internet land that 1 negative reaction debit has the same power as 5 positive bids in the love bank accounts.  

My IC thinks I'm somewhat stuck in a pursuer role also so I'm trying to be positive yet not pursue which is just confusing the hell out of me as we are attempting to reconnect.  I think I need to relax and let a little time pass too...but so damn hard as my family is my foundation.


Nelson

It took me about 5 months to get out of the pursuer role. Mind you my husband was still with his AP. I decided to just let it be and stop taking to him. Obviously you guys are tying to reconnect so your working on getting yourself in a better spot. It will take time for you to stop thinking about the negatives and focus on the positives. I just got tired of the fighting and arguing.
Quote 0 0