I have no answers - but I have two thoughts/questions you may want to consider:
1) Nothing about divorce is final. You can remarry when you feel more certain. However I recognize that for some people that would be uncomfortable or inconceivable. Think about what it would mean to you. I am not sure it would help OR hinder reconciliation but it might be a very clear indication that he needs to win back your trust and puts far more onus on him rather than you to rebuild. Which is where it should be. I know he seems weak and lost right now. Fight the urge to save him from himself. He needs the opportunity to learn to do that himself. If he doesn’t, you are rebuilding with a man as weak as the one before. 2) The phone thing is huge. Do not back down. There is only one reason I can think of he doesn’t want you to see it and it is that he is still trying to “shield” you from the truth. Until he realizes that 100% honesty here is the ONLY way forward he will continue to hurt you and delay any meaningful rebuilding. The more times you THINK you know everything and then find one more “well intentioned lie/shade of the truth” the less likely you will reconcile. There are only so many times trust can be rebuilt. This is the single most important thing he needs to get through his skull right now. Have him read the Linda Macdonald book, print off pertinent threads here for him to read. Tell him that one more lie out of his mouth might be the straw that broke the camels back and if he feels tempted to “save” your feelings - to remember that the lie or omission that he thinks is kinder may be very well be the thing that ends his marriage. He needs to put his big boy pants on and be ready to lay out the truth of this affair in one, ugly sitting. It will suck, you will cry and rage - you will likely ask more questions and for more clarification as time goes on. And there’s will be details he genuinely forgets. But the big stuff - how long, who knew, places they went that might have meaning for you, gifts or trips, whether he introduced her to friends (or had friends that helped hide it), whether they planned a future together, need to be dealt with now. it is better to rip that bandaid off all at once. He will save you considerable anguish in the long run by being honest about it now. Remind him not to hide things because he feels differently now. If he told her he hoped to leave you and get married - even if now he thinks that was the stupidest thought that ever crossed his mind - he needs to be honest and share what he said and thought THEN and then share how he sees it NOW. Because if he says he never told her he loved her and you find out differently - it’s another’s lie.. after there are supposed to be no more lies. This is is a KEY place where most WS screw up and kill any chance of meaningful reconciliation. I can’t tell you how many WS have killed a marriage that had a real shot - just by lying to save face themselves and try and prevent their BS from knowing how far the betrayal went. They think they are helping to save the marriage - and they end up delivering the final blow.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl