Reese Show full post »
Keepabuzz
Reese,
   Me personally, I would let the divorce finalize. Nothing says you can’t reconcile after the divorce is final. That would be the safest bet for you.  There are no ties, other than desire to reconcile if you choose to.  It won’t be because of money or the house, or whatever. He is still not being 100% honest and transparent with you. That is the starting point for any reconciliation. I would hope he feels shame, and tons of it, but that is still NO excuse for not answering your questions, fully and honestly, or giving you the password to his phone.  
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ABCOneTwoThree
Keepabuzz wrote:
Reese,
   Me personally, I would let the divorce finalize. Nothing says you can’t reconcile after the divorce is final. That would be the safest bet for you.  There are no ties, other than desire to reconcile if you choose to.  It won’t be because of money or the house, or whatever. He is still not being 100% honest and transparent with you. That is the starting point for any reconciliation. I would hope he feels shame, and tons of it, but that is still NO excuse for not answering your questions, fully and honestly, or giving you the password to his phone.  


My exWS would agree to give me access to his accounts as well, and then drag his feet in order to delete evidence that didn’t line up with his story. 
Everything Keep said I agree with. This is a man that not only hurt and abandoned you, but his children. He disappeared from their lives in order to pursue a relationship with someone else, and you don’t even know if she ended it, and he’s just defaulting back to you because he doesn’t know what else to do. 
He’s not truly looking to rebuild while still voluntarily keeping the whole truth from you. No reconciliation will work when it’s based on lies and deceit, and his unwillingness to be open and honest IS lies and deceit. 
Dont you think the months you’ve lived without him was waiting enough? That the time he spent completely disconnected from his family was all the time he needed to sort this out? The fact that you are willing to reconcile after that amazes me (I’m not trying to be cruel, I honestly admire your patience and understanding, I could never do that), but how much are you willing to sacrifice? If you let the divorce go through, it doesn’t mean you can’t reconcile. It DOES mean you are completely protected though, you will be awarded a divorce based on all the heinous actions he’s taken over the last several months. If you decide to not go through with the divorce, I think you’ll find divorcing after a period of reconciliation much harder, from a legal standpoint. 
Right now this is the only upper hand you have, the only insurance policy you have, and the only way to make sure that you AND your kids are protected from this man who willingly abandoned you, and who is being less than honest and forthcoming even though he’s claiming he wants to reconcile. Divorce honestly sounds like the best thing for you, but none of us live in your shoes, so ultimately you’ll need to decide for yourself if it’s something you can live with. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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ThrivenotSurvive
I have no answers - but I have two thoughts/questions you may want to consider:

1) Nothing about divorce is final.  You can remarry when you feel more certain.  However I recognize that for some people that would be uncomfortable or inconceivable. Think about what it would mean to you.  I am not sure it would help OR hinder reconciliation but it might be a very clear indication that he needs to win back your trust and puts far more onus on him rather than you to rebuild. Which is where it should be. I know he seems weak and lost right now.  Fight the urge to save him from himself.  He needs the opportunity to learn to do that himself.  If he doesn’t, you are rebuilding with a man as weak as the one before. 

2) The phone thing is huge.  Do not back down.  There is only one reason I can think of he doesn’t want you to see it and it is that he is still trying to “shield” you from the truth.  Until he realizes that 100% honesty here is the ONLY way forward he will continue to hurt you and delay any meaningful rebuilding.  The more times you THINK you know everything and then find one more “well intentioned lie/shade of the truth” the less likely you will reconcile.  There are only so many times trust can be rebuilt.  

This is the single most important thing he needs to get through his skull right now.  Have him read the Linda Macdonald book, print off pertinent threads here for him to read.  Tell him that one more lie out of his mouth might be the straw that broke the camels back and if he feels tempted to “save” your feelings - to remember that the lie or omission that he thinks is kinder may be very well be the thing that ends his marriage.  

He needs to put his big boy pants on and be ready to lay out the truth of this affair in one, ugly sitting. It will suck, you will cry and rage - you will likely ask more questions and for more clarification as time goes on.  And there’s will be details he genuinely forgets.  But the big stuff - how long,  who knew, places they went that might have meaning for you, gifts or trips, whether he introduced her to friends (or had friends that helped hide it), whether they planned a future together, need to be dealt with now.

it is better to rip that bandaid off all at once.  He will save you considerable anguish in the long run by being honest about it now.  

Remind him not to hide things because he feels differently now.  If he told her he hoped to leave you and get married - even if now he thinks that was the stupidest thought that ever crossed his mind - he needs to be honest and share what he said and thought THEN and then share how he sees it NOW.  

Because if he says he never told her he loved her and you find out differently - it’s another’s lie.. after there are supposed to be no more lies.  

This is is a KEY place where most WS screw up and kill any chance of meaningful reconciliation.  I can’t tell you how many WS have killed a marriage that had a real shot - just by lying to save face themselves and try and prevent their BS from knowing how far the betrayal went.  They think they are helping to save the marriage - and they end up delivering the final blow.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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triplehooks
While there is a wide range of “normal” all that matters — ALL that matters —is “what is acceptable to you?”

Is it acceptable to you that he is he is not complying with what you require, after those heinous acts?  It shouldn’t be.  If he wants you back he needs to earn it by making it through your gauntlet: he gets to set ZERO terms.  

Is it acceptable to you that he continues to disrespect you by holding secrets that don’t belong between you and never should have been required to be discussed, because they shouldn’t have happened in the first place?  During the course of your marriage what sexual experiences was he entitled to have without your knowing?  The answer is: ZERO.  That’s right: ZERO.  Why?  Because those experiences were supposed to happen WITH YOU...EXCLUSIVELY.  Since he decided to involve someone else, sadly, he has to tell you every detail you WANT to know, because he never had the RIGHT to privacy about that with you, because you were to be a part of al that with him.  So, tough luck hubby.  

Of course everyone will caution you not to ask etc etc, and ask yourself exactly what you want to know because you can’t un-know it, but if you want to know...he has to tell.  No ifs, ands or buts.  It’s even your right to have him polygraphed if you want. Some people think that’s awful.  Welp, he shouldn’t have put himself in a position where the veracity of his words needed verification.  But he did.  So if you want to be “more” certain, put that in your terms.    

And remember...DEMAND he get tested, and show you the results.  Even better, go with him so there’s no passing important medical learnings from that through his filter.  

Also, don’t forget the post-nup.  Secure the best terms you can get for any future divorce with him, and put the risk of success of the reconciliation ALL on him.   He is, after all, asking you to forego the benefit of divorce now in the context of adultery etc in exchange for rolling the dice on happiness with a PROVEN cheater.  That’s a HUGE ask on his part.  Don’t grant it for free.  Have an attack dog attorney draw it up at hubby’s expense. Make it one-sided as hell.

I doubt you are actually “past angry”.  Your system is probably adjusting these new developments and taking time to process them, but this is SUPER early in the game and you are likely to face waves of anger over time — ESPECIALLY if you are in work it out mode and no longer in survival mode, drowning in a sea of losses he surprised you with.  

Don’t put anything off.  Let him sizzle in the frying pan of the deadline and either do what you need or lose you.  He can choose: protect you or protect himself.  And keeping secrets is not protecting you although some cheaters persuade themselves that’s true.  
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hurting
Wanting to reconcile is nice. But he has not even taken the first, tiniest and most basic step in that direction yet.

Be careful. Watch his actions and base your decisions off what he DOES rather than what he says. It really isn’t an option for him to not give you access to his phone yet. It should’ve happened yesterday! 

Also insist and ensure he gets tested for STDs. And the same for yourself if you do reconcile. 

Him aside, what do YOU want? What can you live with? I think those are more important questions than what he is doing or thinking tbh. The anger and rage will probably set in in a bit... I suspect you’re still reeling with how he has ripped your lives apart. What changes do you need to see in him to make reconciliation worthwhile? What do you need from him? Is it enough that the affair has stopped? Or are there other changes you need from him? 
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HangingOn
Unless you feel comfortable with the information you need to start healing and the actions match the agreements do not let your guard down.  The actions and meeting your boundaries are so important.  Sounds like he needs some boundaries for his children to.  Schedule visits with him for daddy time and watch how he handles them.  Schedule a sitter and work through Tim’s first aid course (or similar) together.  Watch his level of commitment.  You really can’t help him, he needs to do that work.  Counseling needs to be a boundary too. Both Individual and marriage.  Be strong.  Request an extension for your divorce filing so you don’t feel rushed.  Best wishes it’s really now about you first.
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