I watched a movie today title “Collateral Beauty”. Trigger warning there is a minor plot line involving infidelity, but it’s portrayed about as well as can be in the movie. The main plot line is about a very successful man who experiences a traumatic life event (I won’t say what, but not Infidelty). He withdraws from life, almost completely. As I watched it, I thought how easily that could have been me, and there are still parts of me that would prefer to do just that. There comes a woman who describes her child dying and a random stranger telling her “ are sure you watch for the collateral beauty, and how she didn’t get it at the time. But she did later. 

I always hate the “find the silver lining” bull$hit. This seems to be just that, but it resonated with me. As much pain and suffering as I have experienced, I will never be thankful for my wife’s betrayal. But today, on Mother’s Day. While I. Far away from my wife due to work requirements, I’m very thankful for the mother that she has become. I could get hit by the beer truck tomorrow, or die in car crash, or a plane crash, but at least I know if I go, my kids will have a good mother. That is the Collateral Beauty for me. I can’t call it a silver lining, maybe it’s just symatics, but it struck a cord in me. Maybe it will strike a cord in you 

Happy Mother’s day ladies. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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I agree, that term feels better suited to what we experience.  

My husband is a better person, father and husband because of the emotional growth that happened post-DD.  I like and respect the man he is now so much more than the emotionally stunted, resentful man he’d become in his late 30s, early forties.  

He is so much kinder, gentler, more understanding of other people’s vulnerabilities and issues now having had to face his own.  

But like you, I can never say I am happy for his affair, because I refuse to believe that the only means by which those results could have been achieved was for him to hit bottom.  To become a person he loathed, acting in ways that he, himself, thought were despicable but couldn’t seem to stop.  That having a crisis of identity of epic proportions that very nearly burnt everything in his life down was the only way he could force himself to look within and face his demons.  

Of course I could be wrong - maybe some people have built their wall of denial so high that it is only through catastrophe that it can come down.  But if so, I sure as hell wish they’d come with a warning label attached.  

Regardless, the term collateral beauty seems better suited to describe that bizarre realization that out of all this horror, pain and despair could come some good things too.  I think it takes a long time to come to terms with that (it did for me). That by accepting and even being grateful for the good things that arose from the ashes didn’t mean I was condoning what precipitated them (the affair). 

We already experienced the collateral damage, we deserve to allow ourselves to find, see and enjoy the collateral beauty as well. 

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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I’m feeling some collateral beauty today, had surgery this morning, was kinda freaked out about the anesthesia. He’s doing a great job of being a care taker and much more emotionally there than he was during my 2  previous possibly life threatening medical problems. 

Female BS
Married 19 years 
2 tween girls

DDay 10/2019 
Affair 1, 11/2010 to 2/2011
Affair 2, 6/2019 to 12/2019 - Persistent One is still trying to contact him. 

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