I actually totally agree, AnywhereButHere. I asked him to analyze his feelings for MY benefit. And to be clear, when we discussed it, I was equally clear that this was to be an INTERNAL process - not something he was talking about with her. I just wanted to make 100% sure I'd given him EVERY chance to make sure of his feelings and to leave if there was even one tiny part of him that wanted to.
Because my husband had a history of bottling up uncomfortable feelings I wanted to give him every opportunity and even encouragement to really explore this honestly. And again that was to make sure I wasn't working to build something on shaky ground and to calm MY fears. To be fair, he told me from the get-go (and on repeat throughout the months following) that here was no question for him. He was 100% sure he wanted to save the marriage even though he at times feared he'd damaged it too much. Also, I hope that I didn't come across as judging anyone for taking a "cut and dried" approach. I don't know if my approach was better or dumber. I don't think there is a "right way" to deal with this. You can only do what feels right and what you can live with. And by the way - if somehow in my post I appeared to be saying that I felt sanctioned "talks" with the AP was a good idea - I DO NOT. We were in the uncomfortable position of having to pick up his belongings so I just choose to use it in a way that made sense to me. My husband clearly dreaded it like the plague. I actually 100% concur that it is better left to sorting out within their IC, with their spouse (if that makes sense to them as a couple), friends, family or with a priest. Any on-going contact with the AP, particularly of an emotional nature seems like a very bad idea to me.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl