ssix6pack
How are you all? 

Ive still been on and off with needing a break from all this affair-specific stuff. Not really sure how to explain it. Sometimes I wonder if it means I’m entering out “new normal”, and out “new normal” doesn’t need me to look back. Others, I wonder if it’s denial of ongoing pain. 

I did lose it emotionally last weekend. I’m two and a half weeks from my due date, and I guess it triggers me. My current youngest was only 2 months old when my husband’s last ONS was revealed. I’m thinking just the process of having a newborn again will feel triggering - maybe not as much as I think though. 

Truly though, feeling unattractive and “big” is difficult. Gaining weight like this has made me feel shallow and petty. Not that my appearance ever played a role in my husband’s unfaithfulness. For crying out loud, I was a carefree 19 year old newly married woman the first time he cheated - clearly his issue, not my fault. 

Anyway. We’re still mostly ok. We’ve moved. We love our new home. Our baby’s health has greatly improved (if you recall, we didn’t know what was wrong only that something big was going on....she ended up having a pretty serious virus while in the womb! But, she beat it. Thank goodness.) 

how has everyone here been? 
Betrayed female
2/11/18, d day #1. 
1/2019, d day #2.
Over a decade of unfaithfulness. 
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hurting
I’m glad your baby is ok! 

For awhile, we also entered a new ‘normal’. With fewer triggers and more good moments. In the last few weeks though, I have had increasing triggers and meltdowns. I feel like he has been less careful with my triggers, though that may not be entirely fair. Tears and anger last night, didn’t speak for the rest of the night or today as we went to work. 

I too wonder whether what I’m doing is denial of ongoing pain. I have recently had more intrusive thoughts than I have had for awhile... and had to use thought stopping techniques for the first time in many months. Then I wonder whether I should actually do that... or whether it would be better to let the trigger or thought evolve and show itself. But then I end up in meltdown mode. 

Guess it’s that same old pattern. Hopefully it’s more 10 steps forward 3 steps back now.
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Blessedby7
ssix6pack wrote:
How are you all? 

Ive still been on and off with needing a break from all this affair-specific stuff. Not really sure how to explain it. Sometimes I wonder if it means I’m entering out “new normal”, and out “new normal” doesn’t need me to look back. Others, I wonder if it’s denial of ongoing pain.  



This describes me almost perfectly.  I was just laying here in bed with him and trying to put the pieces together in my mind. We are in an ok place, but I'll likely have this baby any day, and his affair started one year ago on the 14th. Oct 7th is our anniversary, my 3rd child's birthday, and the last day he was with the OW last year. How does this all work together?  So far he handles things by burying them and doing things to make it up to me, but you just can't make up for this.  Sometimes I look at him still and am just so repulsed. And what you said about your body right now, boy do i feel that.  I've refused to change in front of him for months,  i just can't.  I absolutely detest the idea of being naked and vulnerable with him during birth, but I see no way around it, and im afraid that's going to be incredibly triggering for me.  

Ugh, lots going on in my head.

I'm so glad to hear from you! I've been wondering about you during this incredibly vulnerable time.  I'm glad to hear your little one is doing well!
Tired of working on us, so now I'm working on me. 
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