Jujube
I cheated on my husband. I was wanting to be with my AP but he ultimately didn't want me. I feel so many different emotions. I feel like my husband needs someone way better than me. I can't seem to escape the pain of finding someone that I was crazy in love with them & to have them fall out of love with me. I am 11 years older than my AP. We have nothing in common as far as our political and social outlooks on life. I told him at the beginning that he needed to find someone his age bc he will want children. I could have been with him for a couple of years, hurt my husband with the realization that I didn't choose him as a life partner, hurt my friends, etc. During the course of the year, my AP treated me horribly. I became a sexual object. This treatment did make me want to end it so many times. But I do and will keep a deep love for him. My BP is deserving of someone so much better than me. On top of the fact that I feel horrible, I have other issues with self harm that resurfaced during this year that I can't seem to fight. I just want to cut my arms, my legs, my face...I need someone that has experienced this that can be my friend. I have no one which I can share this darkness that is consuming me. My BP would blame himself if he knew the pain. I could never do this to him. I need help.
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TimT
Hi Jujube. I don't know if anyone else on here struggles with cutting (or use to) but if so, I hope they will post and share their perspective. Let me just say that although you certainly have issues to settle in regard to your marriage, it's probably more important for you to find help for YOU. Is individual counseling an option? Or a support group in your area that focuses on anxiety or self-worth issues? Your affair is a symptom, not a cause. And although I encourage openness & honesty with spouses when it comes to infidelity, I would not push that until I knew more of your story.

I can tell you this for sure... there is something better than what you are experiencing right now. I hope we can encourage you towards it.
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Anna26
Jujube wrote:
I cheated on my husband. I was wanting to be with my AP but he ultimately didn't want me. I feel so many different emotions. I feel like my husband needs someone way better than me. I can't seem to escape the pain of finding someone that I was crazy in love with them & to have them fall out of love with me. I am 11 years older than my AP. We have nothing in common as far as our political and social outlooks on life. I told him at the beginning that he needed to find someone his age bc he will want children. I could have been with him for a couple of years, hurt my husband with the realization that I didn't choose him as a life partner, hurt my friends, etc. During the course of the year, my AP treated me horribly. I became a sexual object. This treatment did make me want to end it so many times. But I do and will keep a deep love for him. My BP is deserving of someone so much better than me. On top of the fact that I feel horrible, I have other issues with self harm that resurfaced during this year that I can't seem to fight. I just want to cut my arms, my legs, my face...I need someone that has experienced this that can be my friend. I have no one which I can share this darkness that is consuming me. My BP would blame himself if he knew the pain. I could never do this to him. I need help.



Hi Jujube,

I can't speak from experience about self harm, but I can see where the need to do this might stem from, and that it's probably a control thing.  It maybe seems to you that it's the only thing you have any control over.  And it sounds like you have a real problem with self esteem and valuing yourself and that I CAN empathise with as I am someone who struggles with this too.  It's quite a challenge to keep strong enough to get through each day when every little thing makes you feel worthless. 
I am a BS, a year out from Dday, separated, with not much in the way of changes in my situation.  I also think that my husband will be feeling that he is not 'worthy' of a second chance, and that is partly what is holding him back from re-committing to our marriage..so you see, I can see how things might be for you, particularly as your husband doesn't know, and you may not want him to know. 

And all this is on top of the pain you are feeling from the ending of the affair.  You don't say how long it is since this happened, but it sounds like it was quite recent?   You found out the hard way that the grass wasn't as green as you thought, that your AP wasn't who you thought he was. You said yourself, he treated you horribly, how can someone who claims to care do that?  In a strange way you are feeling  much the same way as a BS does.  And even though your feelings for your AP are still very strong, you may find this changes. 

Time has a way of healing things but it does take just that - time.  And that time will bring you strength and calm as you begin to realise that, actually, you are not worthless, you do have value and esteem, despite what has happened to you. 
I'd like to echo what Tim says in that some kind of support for yourself would be a good thing, but at least for now, you can share what you need to share within this community.  There is a lot of good advice here, and I hope it will help you.

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Jujube
The affair lasted almost one year. It has recently been terminated by the AP. I don't know what is wrong with me. I thought I was a better person. Everything about me, I question.
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Kalmarjan
Jujube...

I can relate. Not to the self harm, but the feelings you have.

The problem stems from you realizing that the story you sold yourself to make everything all right is not true. What's happened is you've found yourself as the villian, which is the greatest head fake because all through this story you've been the hero.

All I can do is give you a bit of hope. Read through my entries and see the things that are all the same, and most of all...

Forgive yourself.

Your guilt and pain, that's all a blanket that's hiding your path to rurecovery. I know deep down you are not a bad person, you just had some decision that you made that were the wrong ones.

I know you are loathing yourself right now. Believe me, I know. But remember you are worth it. The main thing is to get you some help, if you don't already have some.

Remember in every story the hero always has a journey, a path to greatness. You are on yours. You've hit a dark point, but things look up from here. In French we say "NE lâche pas." DON'T. Give. Up.
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Anna26
I'm guessing that's normal...it certainly was for me as a BS.  I doubted everything about myself, why I wasn't good enough, what I'd done wrong, what I should have done right.  Turns out it wasn't anything to do with me and more to do with what was broken in my WS in the first place.

Turning this around, I'd say it's about you needing to come to terms with what you did, what you lost ( the AP and probably your self respect) and could lose if you told your husband.  Again, thinking about how my husband feels, you probably feel ashamed, used, rather gullible and may be rather angry with yourself that you got into the affair in the first place.  Of course, I can't speak FOR you and am just thinking of how you might be thinking.  I just know my husband will be constantly beating himself up about it.
I'm sure he's just waiting around, hoping that she will change her mind, he says his feelings for her are still really strong.  But the longer he waits the more morose and despondent he becomes. 
I think you need the perspective of some other WS's on here, and there are some who could probably give you some really good insight, you are probably not alone in how you feel.
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Anna26
Kal, you put it so much better than I ever could...
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Jujube
So many times I want to tell my BP but I would destroy him. I think I would feel better if he hated me. I thank everyone for the support. I just don't know when the feelings that my heart is going to explode will end. The sobbing in the middle of the day for no apparent trigger. During the course of this year, In order to hide my affair, I told him about all the years of self injury. He looked at me like he didn't know me. That was a secret that I never wanted to tell anyone. It was something I kept as a safety blanket for when things got too much out of hand. One of the last marks was hesitation marks. It scared me bc I never thought of suicide as an adult. Every day is a struggle. I know I need professional help but I don't want my husband worried and asking about it.
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Kalmarjan
Well, again. You need to worry about you.

Let me be honest. I thought I'd save my wife too. I had a revelation from my affair that I was sure would "destroy" her. It didn't.

It really hurt her. (She had 7 miscarriages and one ectopique pregnancy, we went through 4 I VF treatments, and only managed to have one kid. The revelation was that I got my AP got pregnant and she chose to have an abortion.)

I hid that from my wife because I was sure it would destroy her. I was wrong. Yes, afterwards she told me she wished she hadn't known... But I couldn't hide that from her.

In that, it was actually me I was protecting. I didn't want to hurt my wife, but it was that I didn't want to be the one hurting her. But you know what? I had already done it.

That's the thing in your case too. You can't go back. But you can't afford to hide it either; the guilt will do sh*tty things to you. I'm not saying you should rush and tell him, but I'm saying that what you are saying is your reason not to doesn't really hold water.

And you know the funny thing? Like I was saying... The guilt leads you to the door... Where you accept that you messed up. That's step 1. Admitting it. Really understanding it.

From there you can rebuild. No matter what... You can't stop what will happen to this relationship. What needs to happen, will. It always does.

The question is do you want things to go out in a way that is out of your say, or do you want to be in the driver seat here?

The best advice I can give to you is two things... 1) find yourself. Forgive yourself. Understand yourself. 2) imagine you are in your BS shoes... Like this is being done to you. How you would react or feel, honestly. How you'd like to find out.

Here's the funny thing about the truth. It always comes out. Always.

So how do you want him to find out? From you or from a third party? Which do you think would hurt him more?
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Anna26
Like to add to this to say I wouldn't be surprised if your husband didn't already know something was afoot, at the very least he will probably have picked up subconciously, things he wasn't sure about.  In my case, it was things like, he called at her house one night, on work/union stuff, and had a couple of beers! It was the beers that jangled!Then on his 50th birthday, she got him a card and decorated his bike (at work) with balloons and stuff. WHY? She was only someone from work!

Things finally dawned on me, and I felt so stupid for not realising sooner, what had been going on.  I'd had my suspicions but brushed them aside, thinking, he'd never do that.  I would have much preferred to have heard it from him.

The decision to tell is yours of course but you need to ask yourself if you can live with that feeling of guilt and secrecy for the rest of your life.  And with the way you are feeling at the moment, I feel he will figure it out anyway.  Whichever way you choose, it may cause problems in your marriage, but honesty might be the better option.

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flight
Jujube wrote:
I can't seem to escape the pain of finding someone that I was crazy in love with them & to have them fall out of love with me.


So you can empathy with how your H would feel. That can be a good thing. Maybe you could look at your definition of love and see if what you felt was really that. What you picture growing old with your husband, is that what you felt for your AP? That excitement/infatuation is a hard drug to kick and a mature marriage can't compare to that. You can't compare the current point of your marriage to the beginning of a new relationship.

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I am 11 years older than my AP. We have nothing in common as far as our political and social outlooks on life. I told him at the beginning that he needed to find someone his age bc he will want children.<snip> my AP treated me horribly. I became a sexual object.


Lots of red flags there to sort of clue you in that this was probably wasn't real love. The fact that through all this you can say, "But I do and will keeep a deep love for him" is really concerning. I can see where emotionally you are still enmeshed in those feelings, but hopefully you can see how that is the addiction talking?

You know Jujube, you can get help. Keep posting here, find at least one trusted accountability parnter and find professional help to work through this. Look at what you have accomplished so far. You experienced remorse and guilt. You went looking for ways to help yourself and work on your relationship. So many people are stuck in blaming their spouse and not acknowledging the painful things inside themselves. You are beyond that already. Don't beat yourself up, move forward and put your mistakes behind you. We all make them. I have been on both sides of this fence. And whatever you do, don't act on the cutting urges, you are stronger than that. I had fantasies of putting my gun to my mouth...and my temple... and my eye socket... But I realized I could take positive action to make things better. I hope you can focus on your positive changes.
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Jujube
Yes, I need professional help. When I was 18, I had a two year affair with an engaged to married man. I would have probably stayed if I didn't move away from the area. I met my husband and loved his mind. He was an artist, very sarcastic, and funny. I met his family and fell in love with them. Six months after dating my H, I moved in with his parents and him, I had a peeping tom & experienced a very scary ordeal. My H and I have never been very passionate. We are very pragmatic people. I lived with him for 9 years before getting married. Yes, life changes everyone. Thanks to him, I have grown in regards to having less social anxiety and not being so critical. We spent about two years playing WOW in our free time. Yes, my life is boring. I get tired of playing on-line video games. Before the AP came into the picture, I knew I was depressed. I didn't know why I didn't enjoy intimacy. I had sex because it was a wifely duty & I sure as hell made sure that I wouldn't get pregnant.
As far as love for my AP, I wanted to see his eyes looking up at me through our child. I never wanted children until I spent time with him. Unfortunately, I am too old at this point. I feel horrible for my H because he wanted a child and I denied him that gift. He deserves someone who wants that kind of life with him. I feel horrible because I didn't know what it was like to be in love with someone. My H deserves someone who will have those feelings for him. It isn't that I had those feelings and they died. Those feeling were never there. Even when my AP would ask about my marriage, I always defended my H. It isn't that I was looking at everything negatively. I know the problem is me. I grew up in an abusive household & I swore that I would never be with a man like my dad. After analyzing my situation, my AP has a personality like my father. I know I have much greater issues than just my marriage. I just feel bad for my H because I never knew how he felt all these years. He does deserve someone who loves him with their whole being. I feel like I have wasted 17 almost 18 years of his life. 


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flight
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He deserves someone who wants that kind of life with him.


To be a bit blunt if you can take it, this is the feeling sorry for yourself part. It appears on the surface like you are worried about his happiness, but you are really sort of excusing the situation. You shouldn't speak for him. Let him tell you what he wants. No matter who you are with, there are going to be issues that come up and you will have to deal with them. You each don't get 100% of what you want.

Are you sure you never had those feelings for him or is that long ago and these new infatuation feelings cloud everything? I think that is what counseling is good for, you can work through these things and get at the truth. When you talk of "loves him with their whole being", that sounds a lot like the fantasy, romantic love. I am not saying you can't have glimmers of that late in a relationship, but it usually changes to something deeper and more comfortable. It is an acceptance of each other. Not wanting to change them anymore. Not needing to have sex a certain number of times a week to prove you are happy. So it is possible you are looking at that exciting stage of a relationship and confusing that with love.

Let us know how counseling goes!
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Brandi
I didnt read all the entries on here but I am a former/relapsed cutter. I also started cutting again recently. I dont know how much help I can be because I am the betrayed spouse. However, I will say that to know that my ws was in so much pain over his choices that he was cutting himself would make me as the bs feel better. You say you cant talk to your bp about anything-which could be why you were vulnerable for an affair in the first place. Just talk to him and let him know how much pain you are in. But also talk to a counselor. I was medicated for anxiety and it made the depression worse and caused the cutting. I stopped the medication and dont feel the need to cut anymore. Maybe if you cant get in with a mental health professional you can talk to your primary care doctor about some medication until you can get over the hump. Hang in there
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