I cheated on my husband. I was wanting to be with my AP but he ultimately didn't want me. I feel so many different emotions. I feel like my husband needs someone way better than me. I can't seem to escape the pain of finding someone that I was crazy in love with them & to have them fall out of love with me. I am 11 years older than my AP. We have nothing in common as far as our political and social outlooks on life. I told him at the beginning that he needed to find someone his age bc he will want children. I could have been with him for a couple of years, hurt my husband with the realization that I didn't choose him as a life partner, hurt my friends, etc. During the course of the year, my AP treated me horribly. I became a sexual object. This treatment did make me want to end it so many times. But I do and will keep a deep love for him. My BP is deserving of someone so much better than me. On top of the fact that I feel horrible, I have other issues with self harm that resurfaced during this year that I can't seem to fight. I just want to cut my arms, my legs, my face...I need someone that has experienced this that can be my friend. I have no one which I can share this darkness that is consuming me. My BP would blame himself if he knew the pain. I could never do this to him. I need help.
I can't speak from experience about self harm, but I can see where the need to do this might stem from, and that it's probably a control thing. It maybe seems to you that it's the only thing you have any control over. And it sounds like you have a real problem with self esteem and valuing yourself and that I CAN empathise with as I am someone who struggles with this too. It's quite a challenge to keep strong enough to get through each day when every little thing makes you feel worthless.
I am a BS, a year out from Dday, separated, with not much in the way of changes in my situation. I also think that my husband will be feeling that he is not 'worthy' of a second chance, and that is partly what is holding him back from re-committing to our marriage..so you see, I can see how things might be for you, particularly as your husband doesn't know, and you may not want him to know.
And all this is on top of the pain you are feeling from the ending of the affair. You don't say how long it is since this happened, but it sounds like it was quite recent? You found out the hard way that the grass wasn't as green as you thought, that your AP wasn't who you thought he was. You said yourself, he treated you horribly, how can someone who claims to care do that? In a strange way you are feeling much the same way as a BS does. And even though your feelings for your AP are still very strong, you may find this changes.
Time has a way of healing things but it does take just that - time. And that time will bring you strength and calm as you begin to realise that, actually, you are not worthless, you do have value and esteem, despite what has happened to you.
I'd like to echo what Tim says in that some kind of support for yourself would be a good thing, but at least for now, you can share what you need to share within this community. There is a lot of good advice here, and I hope it will help you.