VoodooChild
I'm sorry that I post so much on here but there's really no where else that I can completely let all my emotions out. I'm a complete mess. Tomorrow makes 8 weeks since DDAY and I fee like I'm losing complete control of myself, my emotions. I'll be ok part of the day, then something triggers hurt which is followed by rage that I've never ever experienced. Ever! I scream and demand answers! WS attempts to deflect attention, it seems to me, or act like he didn't hear the questions fuels my rage even more. Yesterday I threatened to have him thrown out by the police if he didn't answer my text messages. He said that he was going to turn the phone off if I didn't stop messaging. Today, he was angry and started to leave because I threatened to sleep with someone who he hates very much. Yes, I realize that was a low blow and I'm not proud; however, the hurt and anger is greater than anything , anything that I've ever experienced. He makes it sound so easy saying that he would forgive me if the situation was reversed. It does seem like he's struggling just to let go of the idea that I might have an affair with someone (sure, it makes it worse that this guy is someone he hates).
Then it seems like e justifies things by saying that he thought I was leaving or we were "like roommates." It's humiliating!! I never thought that I would be in this position. How can u say that you love someone while having an affair?! I realize that I made a threat today but I assure you that it's completely empty. The reason that I don't sleep with someone else, is because I love him and wouldn't want someone else (although I'm certainly pretty and desirable enough to have someone else if I wanted). It's not fair that I should have to deal with this crap!! Logically, I realize a lot of things like, the affair was about him and his brokenness, not me, and that I'll be okay regardless of what happens.
But my feelings don't match that!! I feels like this was all because I couldn't be enough, wasn't lovable enough, desirable enough. It feels like a direct attack to me and I can't stand it! I can't stand feeling this way!! I don't want to be out of control, nor do I like to be out of control.
It seems that he can let me go so easily. So quick to walk away. To point the finger at me. I hate that I still love him! I hate that I still want him!! Why can't I just let him and this whole mess go! Let him suffer, instead of getting away with this. It feels like he gets everything that he wants here, he got to be with her for 1 1/2 years and then gets me after it's said and done. And I'm supposed to make changes that make him happier after he crushed me.
I hate myself for being so weak and falling apart. I hate myself for letting him in and having my eyes closed to what was happening over the last 1 1/2 years. What makes all this worse, I'm a therapist!!!! A mental health professional and I can't get my emotions in check. There is no tool fix this. Nothing that can bring back my since of security and safety. Most of all my since of self worth and confidence is gone. I barely make it through work. I have little appetite. Im taking antidepressants. I can't move forwards. I can't let go. I can't feel okay in the world. I live in fear that I'm not good enough, that he's going back to her. That he doesn't love me I'm humiliated that I lived a lie for so long without seeing. Nothing brings relief. Nothing eases the pain. Nothing gives back my since of strength, self worth and self confidence. I'm not as attentive a mother as I used to be. I'm terrified that I'll never got myself back under control. That I'll never feel okay again.
I feel like I'm chasing him. Trying to force him to give back what I let him steal, my self worth. But he can't. Everything he did and said was devaluing to me. I have no security. Even when I felt it, it was a lie.
I hope everyone else is doing better than I am. Thanks to those who have offered support and insight thus far.
Quote 0 0
kaleidoscope7
Voodoo, I'm new here and I'm really grateful for your posts. I feel similar pain and it's just weird and sad that all our stories have common components and results. I feel for you. I also hear my WS in your WS's responses to your anger. Which means both sides are normal or typical.

Do you have support people in place at home? Professionally? I have trouble tracking everyone's stories here so I don't recall if you (as a therapist) are seeing a therapist. See about EMDR for help with the trauma processing. See also TRE (Berceli) for somatic treatment. I have done both and I realized just yesterday that I think I managed to suppress a lot of the grief from September D-day onward. It's all coming to bear now, now that we're past the major family holidays. Then yesterday I was in Target with my daughter and walked down the Valentines Day aisles and man, did that do a number on my head. This will be the first year in seven that I don't participate in the holiday. We met online on February 13, years ago. I feel really sad, dejected, resigned.

Then there is also the part that, like you say, is just so angry and astonished. I want to just cry at him: like, what I offered was not special enough for you? I relentlessly showed you a willingness and ability to understand you? Your complications? Your bad side? Your checkered history, your fluctuating character? I loved you through all of this and I wasn't enough? How is that even possible, and how on earth could you ever treat me like rubbish?

How could I have not seen what was going on? Did you do this to me because I was too stupid to stay one step ahead of you?

I don't want to be someone's shadow or conscience. I am sick as hell of having to monitor or second guess anyone else's behavior. I have a good moral compass. How can you not? What kind of person are you to *blame me* or *tell me* that *I* need to change? Because I hate what you did? And I'm calling you out on it? What are you thinking!

Voodoo: you will get through this. It's better some days than others. Take pleasure in your motherhood. The kids have great spirit and they need and deserve and will thrive on our focus and love. Some days will be almost ecstatic, and that's real. The joy is real. You still have deep capacity for joy, so let it in whenever it comes. There will be long stretches of good. We have no control over what they do or don't. Know that you are individually a golden offering, incomparable. Contain you, yourself, and keep your dreams. I don't know why these things happened to us, or why they happened at the hands of those we loved and trusted most intimately. I know we are still golden, even so. Keep faith.

He is trying to control. If not everything, then at least the flood of your righteous upset, anger, anguish. Mine does it too, but calls me "histrionic" and insists I have a personality disorder and should seek professional help. He won't hear the upset. The stupid "diagnosis" makes me more upset. I get that he is stalling or trying to avoid looking at the full embarrassing wrong of his own actions. In some ways I think the WS really has it worse off than we do; I can't imagine being so screwed up that I couldn't own responsibility and account for something I'd done.

Do you find that the anti depressants help you, or is it possible some other solution might feel better?
Quote 0 0
VoodooChild
Antidepressants can only do so much. In reality, this is just a hard situation. One in which I have to walk through the pain, bad as it may be to get pat it. I will say that I was feeling a little extreme when I posted this yesterday and really should keep a better check on certain things that cause me to become overly emotional and hormonal if you know what I mean lol. My husband and I both have met with Tim a few times and prior to that we met with a local (although 2 hour drive away) couples counselor. I live in a rural area with few mental Heath resources. Oh and we plan to continue to meet with Tim. Believe it or not, after posting all that mess (partially driven by out of control hormones) yesterday I continued to struggle and grieve heavily and somehow, today he been a pretty good day. We got a lot of snow here so WS and I are snowed in with 4 year old which could be a recipe for disaster but it wasn't. I've actually found fragments of clarity today. Clarity in being able to shift my thinking to see WS as human. To see his actions as a result of his thoughts and feelings and not because I wasn't good enough or because she was so wonderful. One of the hard lessons of all this is to let go of the fantasy that Love is somethings all powerful and impenetrable by hurtful things in the world. I falsely believed that love some could protect me from being hurt and that since my WS did hurt me so badly, he mustn't have loved me. Love exists on a continuum with its counterpart and anything that we give the capability to make up feel something as wonderful as love also has the capability to trigger feelings of hurt or hate.
I've been angry with myself for trusting him so much and thus leaving myself open to this much pain but I have to forgive myself for that. Trust and love are beautiful emotions. Gifts that we give to others and giving them freely to someone I love doesn't make me a fool.
I do hear similarities in our thinking and I would imagine that others would as well. I spent much of our marriage being the voice of reason (although you wouldn't know it by yesterday's post
Quote 0 0
Anna26
VoodooChild wrote:
One of the hard lessons of all this is to let go of the fantasy that Love is somethings all powerful and impenetrable by hurtful things in the world. I falsely believed that love some could protect me from being hurt and that since my WS did hurt me so badly, he mustn't have loved me. Love exists on a continuum with its counterpart and anything that we give the capability to make up feel something as wonderful as love also has the capability to trigger feelings of hurt or hate. I've been angry with myself for trusting him so much and thus leaving myself open to this much pain but I have to forgive myself for that. Trust and love are beautiful emotions. Gifts that we give to others and giving them freely to someone I love doesn't make me a fool. 



There is a great quote from C.S Lewis which begins 'To love at all is to be vulnerable...'  and it's very true. 

We can't feel the joy of love if we can't open ourselves up to the possibility of the pain it also brings.
When we love we choose to let someone close to us and that's why we feel so betrayed when they let us down so badly.

I think many of us are experiencing what you are right now, the rollercoaster of emotion, and even more confusingly, how you don't react in the way you think you would in a given circumstance. 
Even now I can feel so cripplingly low and also at other times carry on as if nothing has happened.  Perhaps that's because I am in a bit of a stalemate situation.  Perhaps at times I am more accepting of things and at others rebelling against the unfairness of it all.  As long as things generally continue in the way of improvement I will be okay...and so will you.
Quote 0 0