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Kalmarjan
Anna26 wrote:
It's the feeling of 'coming home with his tail between his legs' and losing face.


Boom ^^

This sums up exactly what and how I felt. It's not just to your wife, but all of your friends, family, and everyone else who knows about the situation.
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priya
I think he does block things out so he doesn't have to think of them, so while he's not thinking of the situation he's not learning to deal with it or to make a decision. Maybe the "ultimatum" as it were could be, you need to work on you. I'm working on myself to make sure I am good in this relationship, and I will feel better knowing that you know yourself enough to know that you want to be with me or not, and that somewhere down the line you won't choose to do this sort of thing again.

[Love-Affair-Problem-With-Married-Man] 
[Note: I removed the link that appeared on this page because a full-page pop-up ad appeared that caused problems with my browser. If you have another link without the ad, feel free to re-post it. TimT]
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momoftwins
Hi tomorrow is my 16th anniversary. And less than 3 months after dday. I'm still numb and in shock. My husband had multiple affairs over the past year. But is completely repented and dedicated to me our family and God. And restoration. Which I am aware is amazing. But I'm still in a tremendous amount of pain from the shock of it all. As I had NO idea and he didn't even confess (he got caught- and then confessed all.) we r in counseling. He's in celebrate recovery. It all sounds good. But I still have no idea how to face our anniversary. We usually do it up big. Away for several days and so that's what we have planned. I just have no desire to "celebrate" I have nothing to celebrate but brokenness and a year worth of deception, broken vows awfulness. I'm just a walking wreck. How did you all even deal with it? Do I get him a card? I can't imagine what I would even write. Do I ask him to skip it? He's prepared to just sit in the hotel and just cry with me so maybe I just go. I was experiencing a tiny bit of healing last week (stopped having hourly obsessions and tears) and this week it's all started again over the anxiety of the anniversary which i think is just my heart breaking over the broken vows) thank yall for listening.
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surviving
momoftwins - I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the triggers and flashbacks last a long time.  You are so new to this trauma.  Give it more time.  If it were me, I would downplay the anniversary.  Since my WH cheated our whole 35 years, it was hard for me to "celebrate" our anniversaries.  I am so sorry you are here.  It IS very hard to deal with all the unanswered questions, etc.  I still, after 23 months, haven't gotten answers to some of my questions.  The books say you will never get an answer to the "why" question.  I still haven't gotten an answer to the "how" question.  I have asked several times in different ways, "how" could you do this and leave me home with our six children, taking my homemade lunch that you ate on the way to the AP's house, and then came home from work to me?  How?  I will never know the answer to that one either.  I am just so sorry that you are here.
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TimT
momoftwins wrote:
...I'm just a walking wreck. How did you all even deal with it? Do I get him a card? I can't imagine what I would even write. Do I ask him to skip it? He's prepared to just sit in the hotel and just cry with me so maybe I just go...

I agree with surviving; it's too soon for you to celebrate. Your husband needs to understand that his pace of recovery is going to be much different than yours. If his change is real, he is going to want to move forward in his new freedom and try to get back to the good marriage as quickly as possible. But you simply cannot do the same until you've had more recovery from the trauma. 

Trying to force a celebration right now could be counter-productive. Perhaps your message could be, "I want our marriage to heal, but the pain I feel is still to raw for me to ignore. I need more time before I am ready to celebrate this marriage. If I try to force it, I'm afraid I might feel more resentment than gratitude. Maybe next year..."

If you're up to you, perhaps you could suggest just going out for a meal on that day without even marking it as an anniversary celebration.
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momoftwins
Thank you Tim. I will try that. Just a meal. We've been to several in the past few months so certainly I can do that. I truly appreciate your help.

TimT wrote:
If you're up to you, perhaps you could suggest just going out for a meal on that day without even marking it as an anniversary celebration.
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Mrssgt
My anniversary, my hubby went to her house that night after I saw her number on his phone. It was our 16th. Though he did call me 26 times, I wouldn't answer, then he came home. Anything you do on your special day will be better than mine. I hope you have a good one.
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