Brothers and Sisters, I covet your prayers, and your grace.
I did not "just" find out. D-day was May 7th, but there have been new revelations along the way, ironically and most recently, last night during our Affair Recovery group's last Harboring Hope call. I was driving and wasn’t able to give my full attention to our discussion. Why? I was looking for my wife. I won’t go into all the details, but recent events have led to a gut feeling I couldn’t shake. If this ordeal has taught me anything, it’s been to trust my gut. From the very beginning of this, I got in touch with the AP’s wife to tell her what I knew. Right or wrong (at this point, I have a difficult time seeing it as wrong), every now and then we get in touch to corroborate dates, times, places, etc. and see if our spouse’s stories line up. Well, when I got home last night my wife wasn’t there. The AP’s wife shared his location with me, a hotel (there’s a work-related reason for him to be there, again heavy on details, but I can’t help but think even that was orchestrated), and I went there. To my dismay, there was my wife’s car. I waited for her. I hung up when I saw her walking out. I told her she didn’t have to come home, she could just go back up there and stay with him. I’ll leave out the choice words I used to describe the activities they were likely engaged in. She said it wasn’t like that, she just went there to “talk”. Okay. Because 2 adults who have been engaged in an affair meet at a hotel to “talk”. She did follow me home, and slept downstairs on the couch.
All that to say this—I know some of us in this horrible club we belong to have dealt with years of affairs, multiple partners, etc., but this is the end of the line for me. I can’t continue to fight for a marriage by myself. I’ve given her multiple opportunities to establish safety, or exit the marriage, if that’s what she wanted. I told her it would be the smoothest, quickest divorce ever, if that was what she chose. Every time it was met with her protestations of wanting to work on the marriage, but needing some professional counseling/help so she could be confident in her choice. I believe in God and know He can do ANYTHING. I know that at the eleventh hour He can show me a miracle. I’m not holding my breath, though. As for me, in my flesh, I’m done. The adrenaline got me through the night, but it’s wearing off. I’ll be a blubbering mess by the end of the day. The waterworks have already started.
Please, pray for me. I am in a horrible pain that only you guys can relate to and understand. I don't think I'm really looking for advice, just needed to vent that and ask for support. I welcome any wise words, though.
D-Day: May 7th 2019
Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.