CallMeJay

Brothers and Sisters, I covet your prayers, and your grace.

I did not "just" find out. D-day was May 7th, but there have been new revelations along the way, ironically and most recently, last night during our Affair Recovery group's last Harboring Hope call. I was driving and wasn’t able to give my full attention to our discussion. Why? I was looking for my wife. I won’t go into all the details, but recent events have led to a gut feeling I couldn’t shake. If this ordeal has taught me anything, it’s been to trust my gut. From the very beginning of this, I got in touch with the AP’s wife to tell her what I knew. Right or wrong (at this point, I have a difficult time seeing it as wrong), every now and then we get in touch to corroborate dates, times, places, etc. and see if our spouse’s stories line up. Well, when I got home last night my wife wasn’t there. The AP’s wife shared his location with me, a hotel (there’s a work-related reason for him to be there, again heavy on details, but I can’t help but think even that was orchestrated), and I went there. To my dismay, there was my wife’s car. I waited for her. I hung up when I saw her walking out. I told her she didn’t have to come home, she could just go back up there and stay with him. I’ll leave out the choice words I used to describe the activities they were likely engaged in. She said it wasn’t like that, she just went there to “talk”. Okay. Because 2 adults who have been engaged in an affair meet at a hotel to “talk”. She did follow me home, and slept downstairs on the couch.

All that to say this—I know some of us in this horrible club we belong to have dealt with years of affairs, multiple partners, etc., but this is the end of the line for me. I can’t continue to fight for a marriage by myself. I’ve given her multiple opportunities to establish safety, or exit the marriage, if that’s what she wanted. I told her it would be the smoothest, quickest divorce ever, if that was what she chose. Every time it was met with her protestations of wanting to work on the marriage, but needing some professional counseling/help so she could be confident in her choice. I believe in God and know He can do ANYTHING. I know that at the eleventh hour He can show me a miracle. I’m not holding my breath, though. As for me, in my flesh, I’m done. The adrenaline got me through the night, but it’s wearing off. I’ll be a blubbering mess by the end of the day. The waterworks have already started.

Please, pray for me. I am in a horrible pain that only you guys can relate to and understand. I don't think I'm really looking for advice, just needed to vent that and ask for support. I welcome any wise words, though. 

Betrayed Husband
D-Day: May 7th 2019

Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.
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Phoenix
🙏🙏🙏🙏
Praying for you now. 
I am so sorry that this happen. 
Any secrecy and continued contact should not be tolerated.  
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Crushed
I am so sorry for the hurt and pain you must be going through. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
You are in my prayers.  Clarity can be a blessing in disguise.  Whether talking or not, she broke a clear boundary - and was dishonest in where she was and who she was with.  That is unacceptable.  

Follow you gut - it has brought you this far.  And as TripleHooks and some others have pointed out - divorce does not necessarily have to be the end.  But you need to protect yourself and your sanity/well-being at this point above all else.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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triplehooks
I think there is some pat advice that's dished out various places to NOT be in touch with the OM's wife, I personally think that's PURE stupidity and ceding very important terrain.  MOST of the time they would be open to it, there is every incentive for them to do so.  Of course they may be crazy yadayada but use your radar to detect that yourself and NEVER leave that vast pool of possible knowledge untapped (and nothing tightens the sphincter of an OM like you having a direct line of contact with his misses).  This is often the key to identifying several key pieces of information that are vital to healing: its is as close to absolute knowledge as you can get about the other person, and I'm sure like 99% of the time you will learn exactly why they are POSs, which will help you sleep better eventually knowing that there was nothing special about them in particular and your spouse was just a moron (but then you'll lose sleep for a different reason which is "why did I give my life to a moron?", but at least you'll be focused on the right issue at that point); it also produces LEVERAGE which serves to level the playing field.  Cheaters seek an unethical advantage by harboring all the information, and OM spousal contact is VITAL to cracking that armor.  Want to get a fair settlement?  Get some embarrassing info from OM's spouse -- which will also embarrass your spouse -- and keep that in your back pocket... Hey they're playing dirty right? 

So, good job ISLH making that direct bust.  Many of us were not as lucky/unlucky to be so close to the scene of the crime, really focuses the senses doesn't it?

Remember, social graces aside, direct questions about his STD status are FAIR GAME in situations like this (and similar, helpful disclosures to OM's wife about your wife's status) as you are talking about LIFE ALTERING stuff you can catch if you and the wife have been involved in anything physical since your discovery.

Yes, as Thrive mentioned above I've been banging the drum of "divorce doesn't mean its actually over" a lot lately.  But when you're in the thick of it like this it's hard to see beyond that point.  Regardless, it really seems in a situation like this a spouse is disrespecting you to the point of needing a strong message, and nothing sends that message like coming home to an empty apartment (or better yet empty[er] bank accounts [don't take more than 50%]), and then getting served at work.

You should be applauded for not beating the SNOT out of OM on the spot.  So, Nobel Peace Prize to YOU ISLH!!!

So sorry this is how she chose to play her hand ISLH, you were clearly all in and even ready to forgive.  When will they learn how not to wear out their welcome...? 

Arm the cannons and let loose.
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CallMeJay
Thank you all for the support. It was invaluable to me yesterday as my world fell apart all over again. 

TH: Man, between this and your PMs, you don't know just how much you're helping. On second thought, you probably do, and that's why you are so dedicated to helping others on this board. I can't take any undue credit, the POS AP didn't come down with my wife. I don't know exactly how much restraint I would've been able to exhibit, but I'd like to think that I'm smarter than that, and would've been satisfied with the "bust", and sharing the info with his wife.That's longer term damage for him to deal with. 
Betrayed Husband
D-Day: May 7th 2019

Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.
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Bgreen
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I do think in time this may be a blessing because it‘a given you clarity about what direction to take, though it is no less painful. I’m so sorry you had to find out that way, you deserve better. 
Female, BS 2 years post DDay
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HangingOn
That simply sucks!  

Prayers for for strength for you.

As I wrote how sucky it is I’m surprised at a weird sense of envy I also feel reading your story.  Does it feel like that giant question mark and dread you’ve been dealing with since original discovery has been lifted?  Through your tears is there a silver lining?
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CallMeJay
Bgreen wrote:
I do think in time this may be a blessing because it‘a given you clarity about what direction to take, though it is no less painful.

HangingOn wrote:
As I wrote how sucky it is I’m surprised at a weird sense of envy I also feel reading your story.  Does it feel like that giant question mark and dread you’ve been dealing with since original discovery has been lifted?  Through your tears is there a silver lining?


I get what you guys are saying, and--to a degree--yes. I wouldn't call it a silver lining, but definite clarity about the situation. Not that I didn't already have a guilt-free reason to leave, but this kind of cements that. I have been working and striving for reconciliation, but unfortunately that ship has sailed. Now, I'm on train, and I won't pretend that I suddenly don't love my wife, but the only thing that could possibly derail this is a RADICAL change, starting with her quitting her job (if I didn't say it anywhere before, he is a manager there). I won't even stop to listen to anything less than that. I'm not holding my breath, though. I guess I'd say I have this new, controlled-anger driven focus, and my priority is to get out with as much of my dignity/sanity as possible.  
Betrayed Husband
D-Day: May 7th 2019

Praying for wisdom daily to do what God has called me to do, not be a doormat.
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hurting
I’m sorry you are experiencing such horrific pain at the hands of your wife. She’s an idiot to throw away this chance, as is he. They seem to have made it clear that they deserve no more than to have lying spouses will betray them. At least the path is now clear... not that that is much consolation!
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Cam28
My dday is April 18, 2019 and I can only imagine how I would feel if the same thing happened.  I think I would be done also.  My prayers are being offered for you.  I am a firm believer that things happen for the best.  You will either come into a life you truly deserve or she will have a serious and genuine “wake up call” and eventually win you back.  

I wish you the best in what ever road your life brings down.
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Keepabuzz
CallMeJay,
       I feel your pain in your words. I hate this for you, but I do agree that she has made your decision a simple one. I believe you are now on the right path, the path away from her. I would be in my lawyers office ASAP. Take everything you can, she deserves nothing less. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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FanofMike2020

CallMeJay

I am so sorry for the pain your thoughtless wife chose to inflict upon you.  Cheaters have something broken within themselves, and definitely need intense therapy to sort themselves out.  It’s unconscionable how they wreak such havoc upon those they supposedly love the most.  

I hope you find peace and understand that your wife’s affair is not about you.  She is broken.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made by God, and no one can diminish your worth.  Cheaters are shallow people who have nothing to offer others because they are hallow inside.  They cheat with other shallow people hoping to fill that void inside of themselves.  Sadly, the two cheaters find themselves still hallow.  You can not give something to someone that you don’t have.

Please take care of yourself.  I don’t know if you are divorcing, but if you do, hopefully you will find someone worthy of your love, integrity, compassion, and loyalty.  Remember, God is with you.  Take care.

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