Feelstupid Show full post »
Fionarob
I think you are right, the chances are quite high that this could happen again, and you might always be in a position where you are 'waiting' for it to happen.  That's not a good foundation for a relationship.

You say it would be easier to ignore it and try to move forward, I know what you mean.  Unfortunately, when you try to ignore something like this, it never goes away.  You will always have unanswered questions and it will gradually eat away at you.  It can cause massive resentment towards the other person.  I know this is what happened to me, day after day.  The loss of trust and respect puts a tremendous weight on your relationship, especially when that person does nothing to try and build it back up.  Ironically, it then becomes even more likely that they might go looking somewhere else. 
Quote 1 0
Sorry
Its one of those catch 22s to go full throttle into couples therapy to resolve the underlying issues is a tad excessive.

But from my experience not to is just to set yourself up for the fallout later on.

I know that this is a rather pessimistic view. I wish desperately I had sought help after the first inkling that I was susceptable to an affair. I know that the therapy worked for me because I now almost over react when anyone else hints at boundary crossing. Like when a male colleague closes a door in a meeting or I feel even slightly compromised. New rule is if I would not be okay wish my husband witnessing any interaction then the interaction is off limits. It also comes down to motivations. I can comfortably go out with any male friend alone provided that all intentions are clear and there is no muddy water. 

I also tend to communicate directly with the wives of all of my male friend rather that with the men directly. I think It just feels smarter .
Quote 2 0
Keepabuzz
Sorry wrote:
Its one of those catch 22s to go full throttle into couples therapy to resolve the underlying issues is a tad excessive.

But from my experience not to is just to set yourself up for the fallout later on.

I know that this is a rather pessimistic view. I wish desperately I had sought help after the first inkling that I was susceptable to an affair. I know that the therapy worked for me because I now almost over react when anyone else hints at boundary crossing. Like when a male colleague closes a door in a meeting or I feel even slightly compromised. New rule is if I would not be okay wish my husband witnessing any interaction then the interaction is off limits. It also comes down to motivations. I can comfortably go out with any male friend alone provided that all intentions are clear and there is no muddy water. 

I also tend to communicate directly with the wives of all of my male friend rather that with the men directly. I think It just feels smarter .


Strangely, I do the same things, and react to those things in a very similar way and I’m a BS.  Not at all because I have any concern or worry that I would betray my wife. It’s more about appearance, or what other people may think. Like I won’t go into my male friends house if only his wife is home. Not that I have any concern of anything inappropriate happening, I just don’t want anyone to even think there could be something inappropriate going on. A friend’s wife texted me about what gift she should get him for Christmas, and even though it was clearly appropriate, it made me uncomfortable.  Maybe it makes sense, after what I have gone through, but it seems a bit strange. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
Dirazz
I actually love that. There’s a lot of marriages that practice that. It’s out of respect to all spouses. 
Quote 4 0
arizons
This is a big deal and you have every right to be worried and concerned... all of the above. I am so so sorry you are going through this.
Female BS, D-day 1/03/2017, 
I'm going to rebuild me like a remix,

and raise my soul like a Phoenix 
Quote 1 0