Feelstupid
This seems so trivial next to some of the problems I have been reading here, but I'm just confused in what to do. I have just found out the my partner of 2 years had been messaging an old lover for a last few months. She had had an affair with him when with a previous partner.
She has said that nothing has happened while she has been with me, but some of the messages where going through their previous time in a joking way, but It hurt to read and know she had been messaging behind my back. She has lied about her past and lied about things while we have been together
I know she had met up with him once while we were together for a coffee. She had said it was by accident, but I have found out was pre-arranged. This was before I knew about her previous affair with him. There were messages trying to arrange to meet up again, but not sure if they did or not. She says not, but I don't believe her on this. 
She says that she won't ever be contacting them again and can't explain why she has.
I feel betrayed even though I have no proof of any act between them while she has been with me, but it feels like there is more or it was the start of something bigger. I feel angry, upset and stupid all at once.
I just don't really know what to do about it at all as I just can't trust at all and feel like just walking away, but its hard as I love her.
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Vanessa
TRUST YOUR GUT
She appears to have lied to you repeatedly.  Can you build a solid relationship on that basis?  Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to be the "relationship police" always checking to see if she is cheating, etc? 
You can love her and still be better off without someone who is not honest with you.  You deserve both love and respect and it appears from what you have written that you are getting neither back from her.  People who love you do not treat  you the way she is treating you.
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Keepabuzz
Those things she has already done, are far more than red flags. She has already betrayed you as well, maybe not physically/sexually, but she has betrayed you. If you aren’t married, or married without kids, I would exit stage left. Just because you love her doesn’t mean she is good for you...
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
Run like the wind.

Just remember that when you ditch her, you are not losing a great relationship or a great partner. The great relationship and great partner have been illusions for at least months, maybe the whole time. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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blyrobin51
Run.
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UrbanExplorer
She's playing with fire. Be careful. 
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Feelstupid
She has said she is so sorry and can't ever imagine doing it again. She thinks I am just not willing to let it go and doesn't seem to be able to understand that I can't. I feel like I am being unreasonable now. She's saying nothing as happened while with me and she doesn't want to. I just don't get why someone would message another if they are in love like they say.
The thought of letting her go hurts so much.
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Experiencethedevine29
If you’ve any sense, you’ll get out now....





ETD🌻
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blyrobin51
she thinks you are not willing to let it go???.......dearheart.....she is not accountable nor responsible for her reckless behavior. - Just the fact that she would even intimate that to you, lets me know she is still dangerous ...not safe....not accountable, not holding herself in humility and deference to your pain....she is still in selfish fog mode......probably unable to really look at herself for the selfish, denigrating, self-hating, lying, deceiver that she is.....she is going to continue to gaslight you, mentally abuse you, and hold you accountable to not make her feel any worse.................... I know this hurts like someone pulling your heart from your chest, I know it effects your nervous system, breathing, sleeping, eating, thinking, focus, heart-rate, blood pressure, stress-level, ability to think, racing thoughts,   Its nightmarish.   And your psyche is not even letting you seriously contemplate leaving.....the only thing you can see is white hot pain...and a partner that is  basically not helping with your pain.  you feel desperate, you feel foolish, you feel devastated....all you want is for her to drop to her knees and  beg for forgiveness, to act in a way the shows her total and heartfelt remorse, he recognition that she was foolish and jeopardized something so very important, you want her to express her yearning  love for you..........well.......she aint there....and it doesn't sound like she is any where near where she needs to be for repair.   if she is lying about contact, after the devastating effects of D-Day, you should really really think about saving yourself......she is not safe.
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blyrobin51
sorry- I misunderstood.  there was no D-Day for you other than finding out that she is messaging an old lover.....a lover she cheated with.   hmmmm........I would be very concerned non the less.....very concerned.   If you know like I know now (unfortunately)- if she hasn't dealt with the issues that allowed her to cheat on her last partner.......then....she will most likely repeat it.........sounds like she's sliding down that slippery slope.........watch out......sounds like she is about to serve up a nice plate of betrayal.
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Fionarob
I tend to agree with everyone here.......I would be very wary
My ex husband's infidelities started in a similar way and spanned several years..........
1. Started messaging an 'old flame' on Facebook
2. Had an 'emotional affair' with another woman he befriended on Facebook. He claims they never met, but used to text every day until I found out.
3. I found other suspicious texts on his 'phone, don't know to this day who they were from.
4. Had a one night stand.
5. Had a full-blown affair and our marriage ended.
As you can see, over time small things can grow into bigger things.  Not necessarily with the same person, but it seems the need for the 'thrill' never went away, and it got stronger.  I also feel that because I forgave him each time, the next time he went one step further, almost like he knew he could get away with it.  The first thing that happened did seem too 'trivial' to leave him for, or even seek help for.  I didn't tell anyone and we didn't address why it happened.  But what it did do was crush the idea I had of who he was, what he was capable of and I no longer trusted him.  It also damaged my respect for him.
What you need to recognise is, no matter how 'trivial' it seems, or how many times she tells you nothing happened, what matters is how it has made you feel.  Do you want to be with someone who you might never trust 100% again?  Do you want to always be questioning how much she loves you for her to be able to do this?  It can destroy you from the inside-out.  It certainly changed me as a person, constantly questioning who he was, our marriage, his love, how I would ever trust him or respect him again.
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Sorry
Years before my affair I had before slightly infatuated with a colleage I met at a work thing.

I met him for coffee once and asked a friend to cover for me because I felt guilty.

I realised almost immediately that it was wrong and came clean to my husband about it, it was harmless and meaningless. 

I wish we had taken it more seriously, I wrote it off to hormones (we discovered I was pregnant a few days later), but it showed the cracks and my susceptability.

Five years later on, I had an affair. 

I have now processed all of the insecurities that lead to my huge desire for recognition and someone to desire me or find me attractive.

It usually starts with slightly suggestive messages, the kind that are easy to dismiss. 

Snowball
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Choices72
The simple fact that your partner did not tell you about these chats is the very reason that you should be concerned. Trust your gut 
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UrbanExplorer
Sorry wrote:
Years before my affair I had before slightly infatuated with a colleage I met at a work thing.

I met him for coffee once and asked a friend to cover for me because I felt guilty.

I realised almost immediately that it was wrong and came clean to my husband about it, it was harmless and meaningless. 

I wish we had taken it more seriously, I wrote it off to hormones (we discovered I was pregnant a few days later), but it showed the cracks and my susceptability.

Five years later on, I had an affair. 

I have now processed all of the insecurities that lead to my huge desire for recognition and someone to desire me or find me attractive.

It usually starts with slightly suggestive messages, the kind that are easy to dismiss. 

Snowball


I relate to this as well. I once had a never acted-on nor verbalized infatuation with a colleague, then years later saw my first boyfriend at a 20-year reunion and got my head spinning, then years later finally had an affair. They are all warning signs that you're grasping for something, and it's unhealthy.
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Feelstupid
It sounds like my fears are right and that even if it doesn't happen now, the chances of it happening in the future, given how she is, are much more likely.

It's so much easier just to ignore it and try and move forward, but the trust has been eroded now. It's hard to forget what has been read and the thought of there being more, so I admire all you who have moved forward when you know the full story....
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