YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!! I felt exactly the way you do after my wife's affair. She had destroyed me, and yet she could walk around like everything was fine (after a while). It just spotlighted the injustice of it all. She treated me terribly for many years, then went behind my back and had an affair, then ended it, then told me only to clear her consicience, and then she got to move on???? There I was, in no control (I thought) of anything. I didn't get to control the injury to me, couldn't control the pain, the suffering, the emotional hell ride I was on. There she was just acting like normal (albeit perfect wife behavior), and I was just sinking deeper and deeper into the dark rabbit hole. I was on antidepressants and in IC. They both helped, but for a very long time I couldn't "move forward". What helped me the most was a statement my IC made one day - "You deserve to tell your wife exactly how you feel, you deserve to tell her exactly how bad she hurt you, you deserve to tell her all about how what she did has and does effect you, AND SHE DESERVES TO HEAR IT!" For quite a while I didn't bring up her affair, and she sure as hell didn't bring it up. I felt like I had said everything possible to her about it. If I brought it up, I would lose what tiny bit of emotional control I had. But by NOT talking to her about it, I was just letting it build inside me, and eat me alive. So, as hard as it was, I committed to not bottling it up, to talking to her.
Perception is reality. When I was bottling it all up, she could tell quickly when I was having a hard time. She would ask, "What's wrong?". I would say "I'm having a hard time right now". That would be it, my perception was she didn't want to deal with it. But after I started to talk to her regularly about how I was feeling, what triggers me, etc. she told me she didn't know what to do, how to help me. So I promised when I went down the rabbit hole, and she asked me what I was thinking or feeling, I would tell exactly what was going on in my head. Some of those answers were not easy for her to hear, but she needed to hear them as much as I needed to tell her.
One other example of perception. We were in a retail store, many months ago. I was doing ok, then she commented on a set of bar stools. The switch clicked in my head (while she was having her affair we were moving houses because SHE wanted to, and she asked if she could give the bar stools we had and no longer needed to one of her "friends" at work, it was her AP), and I was instantly deep in the rabbit hole of pain and anger. She asked me what was wrong, what had a happened? I told her exactly why I was triggered, instead of saying "I'm having a hard time". The look on her face looked like frustration, and I was pissed. I kept it to myself, which is not normally my go to move. I waiting until we went to bed that night, when I had calmed down. I asked her "What did you feel when I told you what and why I was triggered in the store today?" She said shame, tremendous shame. I told her it appeared to me as frustration. If I hadn't started talking to her, this perception of mine wouldn't have ever changed.
As far as going back to same old bad patterns. Set boundaries to ensure that bad patterns are never returned to, just make sure you are able to stick to your guns with the consequences. My wife had to make MANY changes, and I know the majority of them were not easy. I was not willing to go through the hell of healing and reconciliation to only see a mediocre marriage at best at the end of the tunnel. I told her this marriage will be great, or over, there are no other options.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....