It's been 7.5 months since DD .. WS was very contrite and attentive at the beginning .. Lately things have fallen into the same old bad patterns .. We have been going to counseling off and on .. He is continuing on with his life, while I feel like I'm falling farther and farther down the rabbit hole .. I literally feel like crawling out of my skin .. I'm on antidepressants but nothing is helping me shake this pain .. I don't even feel like I know who I am anymore .. I suppose I need individual counseling, but I know that means ripping open wounds .. Even when I'm with my kids I feel so alone and afraid .. Tell me I'm not literally going insane ..
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Hang in there, sometimes it feels like you just deal with just a few minutes at a time. Be kind to yourself, be patient with yourself. The wound created by the betrayal is deep and will take a consideable amount of time to heal. And you will have moments that feel like the scab over that wound is firm and strong, and then a trigger and the wound is open. At that moment focus on the good in your life (the kids, etc) -create moments that can begin to blot out the negative feelings and memories...and close the wound.
This is hard, please know you will feel crazy at times,but time will pass and your mind and heart will sync back up, and you will start to create a new life after the devastation. The sun will shine again...you just have to keep moving. If you feel like you are in hell, just keep walking, you will get thru and come out better on the other side. Be encouraged and know that many of us have been where you are to some extent...and we are surviving and thriving.
Keep your head up.
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8xsmommy you are not going crazy. All this pain and sadness is unfortunately normal. I'm at almost 14 months past DD and I still have some hard days. Why do you think your H is not as attentive as he was at the beginning? Your not out of line by asking for what you need from him. This is not something we just get over. It's a devastating event. It crushes our very soles. Some how you've got to change your mindset. To think positive thoughts and when your mind tries to go the wrong way catch it quickly. Otherwise it's very easy to get stuck in the sadness. The mind can take you to horrible places again and again. Your stronger than you realize. It takes a strong person to go through this. Reconciliation is not for the weak.
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YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!! I felt exactly the way you do after my wife's affair. She had destroyed me, and yet she could walk around like everything was fine (after a while). It just spotlighted the injustice of it all. She treated me terribly for many years, then went behind my back and had an affair, then ended it, then told me only to clear her consicience, and then she got to move on???? There I was, in no control (I thought) of anything. I didn't get to control the injury to me, couldn't control the pain, the suffering, the emotional hell ride I was on. There she was just acting like normal (albeit perfect wife behavior), and I was just sinking deeper and deeper into the dark rabbit hole. I was on antidepressants and in IC. They both helped, but for a very long time I couldn't "move forward". What helped me the most was a statement my IC made one day - "You deserve to tell your wife exactly how you feel, you deserve to tell her exactly how bad she hurt you, you deserve to tell her all about how what she did has and does effect you, AND SHE DESERVES TO HEAR IT!" For quite a while I didn't bring up her affair, and she sure as hell didn't bring it up. I felt like I had said everything possible to her about it. If I brought it up, I would lose what tiny bit of emotional control I had. But by NOT talking to her about it, I was just letting it build inside me, and eat me alive. So, as hard as it was, I committed to not bottling it up, to talking to her.

Perception is reality. When I was bottling it all up, she could tell quickly when I was having a hard time. She would ask, "What's wrong?". I would say "I'm having a hard time right now". That would be it, my perception was she didn't want to deal with it. But after I started to talk to her regularly about how I was feeling, what triggers me, etc. she told me she didn't know what to do, how to help me. So I promised when I went down the rabbit hole, and she asked me what I was thinking or feeling, I would tell exactly what was going on in my head. Some of those answers were not easy for her to hear, but she needed to hear them as much as I needed to tell her.

One other example of perception. We were in a retail store, many months ago. I was doing ok, then she commented on a set of bar stools. The switch clicked in my head (while she was having her affair we were moving houses because SHE wanted to, and she asked if she could give the bar stools we had and no longer needed to one of her "friends" at work, it was her AP), and I was instantly deep in the rabbit hole of pain and anger. She asked me what was wrong, what had a happened? I told her exactly why I was triggered, instead of saying "I'm having a hard time". The look on her face looked like frustration, and I was pissed. I kept it to myself, which is not normally my go to move. I waiting until we went to bed that night, when I had calmed down. I asked her "What did you feel when I told you what and why I was triggered in the store today?" She said shame, tremendous shame. I told her it appeared to me as frustration. If I hadn't started talking to her, this perception of mine wouldn't have ever changed.

As far as going back to same old bad patterns. Set boundaries to ensure that bad patterns are never returned to, just make sure you are able to stick to your guns with the consequences. My wife had to make MANY changes, and I know the majority of them were not easy. I was not willing to go through the hell of healing and reconciliation to only see a mediocre marriage at best at the end of the tunnel. I told her this marriage will be great, or over, there are no other options.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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