Thanks for the insight.
The affair was about 4 months long. DD was 6/24. we decided to stay together and give it a go, so he "broke it off" with her via phone on 7/3 after I explained NC. He spoke to her twice the week of 7/20 (and lied about it, but I found out anyway via phone records). He felt like he was owed those hone calls because they were part of "Letting her go" - at least that's what he said at the time. Then 7/30 we had a huge argument (when I uncovered more truth he had neglected to share, that their affair had not ONLY been emotional but was indeed physical too) and I told him to leave. That scared him so much that he ran right to AP, even though things weren't great with them. And (of course) she agreed to meet with him. Then they had that confusing phone call 8/2, the end result being him feeling like maybe it wasn't a choice of her or me, but that he had to fix his brokeness before he could be with anyone. He pretty quickly (within a few days) declared he chose me, and we have stayed separated to give him time to work on himself and me time to decide if I feel safe with him or not. So he has said that he chooses me a ll along, but has really doubled down his effort since August began. It's just super frustrating to me that A) he feel like he has "genuine feelings" that developed in less than 4 months and B) won't officially end it with her and C) feels that out of control that he feels like any communication with her would make him want her back. It makes me feel crazy for putting up with this. I deserve so much better.
I hear you here.
It's tough on your part because he is expecting you to understand what he is going through... And you are (rightfully) pissed.
I can try to explain a few things, but using me to see if it helps you to understand. I'm not saying it's your husbands case, but if there is one thing I've learned from this journey is that it's almost always the same script... It's like we plagiarize it. :/
The genuine feelings
Yes, I understand this well. To put it bluntly, I inserted me head in my ass too. I "fell in love" with my AP after less than 2 weeks, and had my first intercourse with her at less than 6 weeks.
Why? Looking back, it's so simple, it's stupid. LOVE BOMB.
Let me explain.
You mentioned it was an emotional affair first. That makes sense. So, the AP "gathers" information about what your husbands insecurity, wishes, dreams, etc, and all of his gripes and such about your marriage.
With that information, she can be the opposite for him. (If only temporary.)
In my case, it was doing all that wild stuff that I craved. The oral sex, danger making out in a car taking trips, eating out, movies, date night, smoking weed, drinking, , etc. All the stuff that got put to the side because mariage got "boring."
She echoed how I felt, and made me feel like this fat, bald, old guy was someone special. Plus, she was sending me nude selfies... And almost at demand. My wife would NEVER do that. (Or so I thought... Today I know she'll send me one here and there, I just had to ask her.)
So, this is how he feels like he has feelings for her. It's adrenaline, dopamine, and the thrill that the two of you had when you first started dating. (Do you remember what it was like to start dating...?)
Won't "officially" end it with her
Yes, this is troublesome. I went through the same thing. What was happening was this.
I "fell in love" with this girl, and it was like she was a "soul mate." I mean, wow! She really got me. (Of course she did. She made sure to get the information she needed.)
My affair started off as an emotional affair too. So, I had to transition to the physical side but the thing is, I'm not like that. It's completely against all I stood for.
Except, if I could paint my wife in a bad light. So, I Lied to myself that my wife and I should have never got married because of x, y, z, a, b, c, and over and over again.
Thing is, my AP was part of this justification too. Like a cheerleader. So, I was also lying to her.
That was why it was so hard to let my AP go, because I genuinely (stupidly) thought that my actions were bringing her a lot of hurt. I thought she couldn't move on without me. (Read some of TimT stuff, where he went through this too.)
What happened with me was I realized that no matter what, my AP would be hurt. I was choosing my wife, and that meant that there was NO CONTACT. period.
My AP has tried to reach out since. I've blocked all avenues for communication, and told her in no uncertain terms... Contact me and there will be legal consequences. Govern yourself accordingly.
Feels out of control... Any situation... Want her back
I felt like this too. Of course, it was because while I was still in contact with my AP, she was good at laying the seeds of doubt. It's a good thing I woke up from my fog because I could see (FINALLY) what she was trying to do.
It's called hoovering. It's like a vacuum... You get sucked back in. I broke up with my AP, and a week later (and a car Sexual encounter latrr) I was back. And not for the good.
In order for him to work through these feelings he will need to do what I had to do. Disconnect the emotional hose, go no contact, and figure out what he wants. He needs to do what I did.
Figure out what his needs are, what he is, where he stands and forgive himself. He needs to get to a place where he knows himself well enough to know he will NEVER do that to you (or anyone else) again. This is because he will have a sense of what the boundaries for him are. What is acceptable, and what is not.
Like I said.... This is going to be tough. Really, really tough. But don't give up, until you see and have explored everything. Leave no stone unturned. If the two of you work through this it will be worth it.
Oh, and one more thing.
You don't owe him sh*t for the "work" he has done. That work is for him alone, not for you. Bottom line is a healthy person doesn't celebrate the fact that they didn't cough that day. A sick person takes steps to get better and no one owes them anything for that.
Your WS messed up bad. Now there is a lot of cleanup to do. Scoring points right now isn't the way to fixing this.