Alive12
I discovered my husband's affair almost 3.5 years ago. His affair lasted about 3 years and was with a married woman. In the aftermath of D-day, I considered notifying her husband of the affair; however, I decided not to. I didn't want my actions to be conducted out of revenge. Since D-day, my husband and I have been through hell together. I cannot say our marriage is healed or that we are in a "good" place. But we are still trying and we both agree that we are 70-80% through this difficult process. I know his AP is still with her husband and I'm pretty sure he is still in the dark about the affair. Knowing that breaks my heart. As all BS's know, there are few things in this life that can compare to the injustice of being forced to live a "fake" life. To be manipulated by lies; to not be given the ability to make their own decisions based on the truth and reality. It is a situation I would not wish on my worst enemy. No one deserves to live that way. So, after all this time, I am still considering notifying her husband. I feel he has a right to know. I feel he should be able to base his decisions on the truth and not the "fake" life that has been handed to him. My question is: Knowing what I know, do I have the moral responsibility to inform him or is it truly none of my business? Of course, whatever decision is made would be both mine and my husbands; it would be done together. I appreciate any thoughts on this.
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Keepabuzz
I know many people would say to let sleeping dogs lie. But I’m not that guy. I do believe her husband deserves to know. I wish someone had told me. It certainly would have been hard to hear, and maybe I wouldn’t have reacted well, but it would have made me dig to find the truth. I don’t think he should be told to enact revenge on her, it should be done because it’s the right thing to do for him. My wife’s AP was single, so I didn’t have this choice. If he had been married, I certainly would have told his wife, on d-day, but that would have been in revenge. Now, much further down the road. I think I would have told her anonymously. I would make sure she knew, with proof, but no way of identifying where the information came from.

The other side of the argument is what will this do to your situation. Will it make it easier, or harder? Will he try to enact revenge against your husband? A likely possibility. Then you pay even more, because that will effect you too.  

In my expirience, the right thing, is seldom the easy thing......
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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BeginAgain
I can't speak from your perspective, as my husband and I are only two months out from discovery. I initially, as a knee jerk reaction, wanted to tell her husband. It seemed unfair that her presense in our lives could wreak such havoc, while her life and marriage just continued as normal, with her husband oblivious to what his wife had done and the depths of depravity she had sunk to in an effort to try and trap my husband.

Here's the thing though, after thinking it over for the first couple of weeks, I decided against it. I weighed all the pros and cons and the possible impact on our lives going forward and, to me, it wasn't worth the risk. I guess we all found out the hard way that we can never truly know another human being's mind. Although we would like to think we share some sort of kinship with the other betrayed spouse, how can we possibly know how that person would react? You're looking at it from a perspective of your own perceptions regarding your betrayal, but who is to say he will react the way you did? Are you comfortable with the idea of him lashing out at your family? What if he harasses and stalks your husband? What if he reacts violently and harms your husband? Are you okay with those scenarios playing out? I am not and so I won't risk it.

Apart from the possible repercussions, I also feel no responsibility towards their family, moral or otherwise. I don't know this man or his wife, I have no idea what their relationship dynamics are and, quite frankly, I don't care. My only responsibility is towards myself and my own family, to heal from this ordeal. Were it not for my husband's collosal selfishness and stupidity, they wouldn't even be a blip on my radar. My only concern towards him and his wife is that they stay as far as possible away from our life and family.
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Alive12
Keepabuzz- thank you for your response. I have always appreciated your input throughout this process and am saddened to hear of the upcoming loss of this community. 

If the decision is made to notify her husband, it would be done anonymously. Although I realize that there is always the chance that his wife will make him aware of who her AP was. However, I'm not overly concerned about that. Our current marriage is either strong enough to handle it or it's not. 

What bothers me more is that my husband and I are not exactly on the same page with this decision. He says it's because he is focused on us and our healing and hasn't given thought to her situation. Is that the truth?  Maybe. But I can't say I trust him 100% about anything. So I wonder why he might object to notifying her husband. In my mind, I wonder if he wants to protect her or if he is afraid that something might come out that he has not informed me about or uncover more lies. At times he has said it may ruin they're marriage and that would be wrong for us to do. Really??  The two of them already ruined both of their marriages by their actions. Her husband just doesn't know it yet. 
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anthro
I struggled very much with this in the aftermath of dday. At that time I leaned toward saying nothing, primarily out of concern for the children of the other marriage. 

I was saved from deciding because somebody told the AP's wife anonymously (via LinkedIn and a burner account). 

Looking back now I do believe she had every right to know and that the overall outcome is better because she knew. I do not know if I would want to be the one to tell though. There is always the trouble that comes from being involved and you have had enough trouble. 

Also just as something to consider... my wife for a couple of months felt some obligation to try to push for her AP to repair his marriage. She spoke with his wife. It was a mess. Ultimately she concluded that the proper place to draw the line was: their marriage I'd their problem and she has no rightful role in it. I think that has merit. You could tell the other husband and it would not be wrong. But I don't think you ever signed up for that or that you have an obligation. 

It is also possible you will do more harm than good. Maybe one of them has cancer. Maybe there are other bigger problems they need to focus on right now. Maybe she knows and has just finally stopped thinking about it all the time. What will you feel if you cause harm by telling?

It's a hard one. Good luck. 
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Experiencethedevine29
I’m with keepabuzz, it’s cruel, in my opinion such as it is, to keep a person in the dark like a mushroom, no matter how long the time elapsed.  

‘I went through a difficult  situation a few years ago when friends of mine separated, seemingly not because of any external influences, only for the husband to tell me, in confidence...🙄... as they were divorcing, that he had in fact been living with another woman and her son (this was relatively easy to keep secret because he worked away from home most of the time).

his wife had no idea and was desperately trying to save the marriage. I had three sleepless nights wrestling with my dilemma, and decided that he had no business putting me in such an awful position. I rang him to tell him so, and gave him the opportunity to ‘confess’ over the next few days, or he would leave me with no choice but to tell his wife. He berated me for my disloyalties and destroying our ‘friendship’ but I simply reiterated that I had no intention of maintaining a relationship in any capacity with a cheating liar who thought nothing of destroying his two young children’s lives, so he could take his pompous and sanctimonious vilification and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine!...what a twat ...

I told her, and she said she’d had some suspicions, then later discovered his entire family knew about it!

She had a right to know,  especially as it affected the outcome of the settlement. He had apparently tried secreting funds away from the marital finances to accommodate his ‘new’ life in the future.

she was devastated of course, but it changed the course of events so that the divorce settlement took ALL factors into account, and protected the young children he hadn’t seen for 6 years...


EDT🌻
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Keepabuzz
Alive12 wrote:
Keepabuzz- thank you for your response. I have always appreciated your input throughout this process and am saddened to hear of the upcoming loss of this community. 

If the decision is made to notify her husband, it would be done anonymously. Although I realize that there is always the chance that his wife will make him aware of who her AP was. However, I'm not overly concerned about that. Our current marriage is either strong enough to handle it or it's not. 

What bothers me more is that my husband and I are not exactly on the same page with this decision. He says it's because he is focused on us and our healing and hasn't given thought to her situation. Is that the truth?  Maybe. But I can't say I trust him 100% about anything. So I wonder why he might object to notifying her husband. In my mind, I wonder if he wants to protect her or if he is afraid that something might come out that he has not informed me about or uncover more lies. At times he has said it may ruin they're marriage and that would be wrong for us to do. Really??  The two of them already ruined both of their marriages by their actions. Her husband just doesn't know it yet. 


You say the decision to tell him or not is a “joint decision” between you and your husband. I can’t think of single reason he would “want” to tell her husband. 

Pretty early rly in the process after d-day I told my boss. I travel regularly for my job, and my boss lives in a different state. We would go months without actually seeing each other. But I knew I was not in any shape to be putting in my full effort, and as much as I didn’t want to tell him, it was the right thing to do. He was very supportive, and gave me all the slack I wanted. A month or so later in conversation I told my wife that I had told him she became upset. Because she knows him. I was still very full of rage at that point and I quickly told her that I would tell whoever I pleased, whenever I pleased. That she would not dictate any of it. If she didn’t want anyone to know, then she shouldn’t have done it. I was not going to carry the load of her dirty secret if it hurt me further or didn’t help me. She quickly agreed that I could tell whoever I wanted to. She only asked that if I did tel someone, that I at least let her know so that she be prepared. I felt that was fair, so I agreed. My point here is this, it should be your decision, and yours alone. Your husband should support whatever decision “you” make, and deal with the consequences of “his” actions if there are any that come of it. 

At the end of the day, he deserves to know the truth. I don’t think anyone can question that. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to or should be the one who tells him the truth if it will cause you further pain or suffering. Self care should be paramount in your mind. Way too many of we the BS’s didn’t do enough of that before these affairs. We put our spouses and kids first. After the destruction, you have to put yourself first. It’s NOT being selfish.

“You can’t pour from an empty glass.”
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Greyes128
I wanted to tell my husbands AP’s soon to be exhusband. (She left her husband thinking mine would leave me lol). However I didn’t, one her ex is huge and as much as my husband deserved it at the time the ex would have beaten the crap out of him. Two, we had made the decision no matter how hard we were going to work through this mess and become stronger together.  Not telling him is something I’ve wondered about but I think I made the right decision for me. To this day (it’s been two years and four months) I’m not sure if the ex knows, he has since moved away. However it turns out she was having several affairs and my husband was just the one with money. He just didn’t know it at the time.
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ThrivenotSurvive
This one is hard - because you have no way of knowing what HE would prefer.  For all the pain the knowledge caused me, I have never doubted for one minute that I prefer to have known.  Even if my husband could have ended it and NEVER done it again - I still prefer to know the truth about my life and those I chose to share it with.  No matter how ugly or hard to deal with. 

But I have known others who would have preferred to have never known.  You also have little knowledge about his possible reaction - could he become violent or suicidal?   

One possibility is to reach out to HER anonymously and tell her that if she doesn't tell him, he will receive anonymous information that will inform him.  This might put the onus back on the person who should have been honest in the first place.  But it could have repercussions to you and your family if he goes nuts. 

I think there are a lot of reasons that your husband could be hesitant, not all of which are selfish (and many that are).   He saw how it wrecked you - its hard to sign up to do that to another person.  I know he actually already did by having the affair - but the truth is most WS don't really take into account/understand the rather glaringly obvious ramifications of their actions until they are sitting (crying) in front of them.   He may also be worried about his safety or if the guy will try to humiliate one or both of you through social media, work, or a million other vindictive things people do when their heart and trust is broken.  He could worry that it will bring his AP back into his life - not because he's worried he will be sucked back in - but because he's happy she's gone.  He may never want to see her again - and especially not when she foaming mad because she thinks you or your husband just blew up her life.  I think you will have to be the judge over time on what your husband's real reasons are - most of us have finally developed BS radar after experiencing this.  

As far as what to do about the husband - you may want to do a little research and learn a little more about him before making your decision.  I feel for you because this would weigh heavily on my mind and heart as well.  As long as I had reason to believe that he was of stable mind (not likely to hurt himself or someone else), I probably would tell.  Actually, I'd have probably told in the first few months.  Probably for some of the right reasons and a lot of the wrong ones.  But in the end - only you will know what is right for you.  As a betrayed spouse, you've already suffered - a lot.  So I would understand if you didn't want to invite any more turmoil into your life.  But if on the other hand, it's still bothering you after all this time - it may already be creating plenty of turmoil.  

And for what it's worth - I agree with Keepabuzz - the final decision on who to tell is yours.  There is nothing wrong with you taking your husband's wishes into consideration.  But at the end of the day - he needs to support what feels right to YOU. 

Good luck - and I am sorry that you are faced with making this difficult decision through no fault of your own.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Alive12
Wow!!  Thank you, each of you, for commenting on this.  I'm overwhelmed with the information provided (needless to say, I get overwhelmed easily these days).  But I truly appreciate your input.  It has given me so much more to consider. So much more to think about.  

On a side note, I wish I had the words to express how much I respect and admire all of you for putting your time in to selflessly help others who are clearly hurting.  I don't visit the site often or post here often (mostly because its just too hard to see so much pain).  However, when I do, my posts are always acknowledge and received by others who clearly want to help and share their perspectives.  All I can say is - Thank you.  
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anthro
I just think too much time has passed now. It increases the unknowns. 
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Sorry
anthro wrote:
I just think too much time has passed now. It increases the unknowns. 


I agree. 
She may have told him, She may not have. They might have a relationship where They have agreed to sweep the affair under the carpet, or even have an agreement to have an open marriage that you dont know about.

I know that it often feels like the right move to tell, but it usually does not change much. Only someone elses sense of security (even if it is a false sense of security), maybe a child's like with two loving, but imperfect parents. 

There is too much that you do not necessarily know about the damage you could do.

I would focus on and stay focus on your own marriage.

I say this from the perspective of someone who did tell, and I still dont know if it was the right thing to do. From the outside. You never know what is happening in a marriage (sometimes the same is even true inside a marriage!)
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BeginAgain
Sorry wrote:


I agree. 
She may have told him, She may not have. They might have a relationship where They have agreed to sweep the affair under the carpet, or even have an agreement to have an open marriage that you dont know about.

I know that it often feels like the right move to tell, but it usually does not change much. Only someone elses sense of security (even if it is a false sense of security), maybe a child's like with two loving, but imperfect parents. 

There is too much that you do not necessarily know about the damage you could do.

I would focus on and stay focus on your own marriage.

I say this from the perspective of someone who did tell, and I still dont know if it was the right thing to do. From the outside. You never know what is happening in a marriage (sometimes the same is even true inside a marriage!)


I agree. No one truly knows what goes on behind closed doors, sometimes not even the people living behind those doors. I've had a close friend's mother recently comment that we look so happy and in love. No clue of the turmoil going on in my heart and mind. 

For all you know she has told him and they are dealing with it in their own way. You could be picking the scab off a healing wound - and that goes for your family as well. Three years doesn't seem like a long time in the bigger scheme of things, but you alone know what you've suffered through in that time. You have had time to adjust to reality of what happened. If her husband indeed doesn't know, this will be all new information for him.

He will be right back where you started and what's the likelihood that the information will stay within the confines of their marriage? You know that 3 1/2 years later you're still grappling with animosity towards this woman, despite the time passed and the healing that has occurred. I wouldn't want anyone to drag me back to the raw pain and emotion of the early days and I believe it is a very real possibility that your family could become the target of his rage and pain in this scenario. 
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blyrobin51
I was so crazy after D-day.   I was researching hunting trolling, whatever to find information.  I only had a name.   I eventually realized that my husband AP was in a lesbian relationship with a woman that works at the same hospital as my husband and I.     Yes, my husband had an affair with a lesbian....or, since she wanted to have sex with a man, I guess that makes her bisexual....anyway, her lover is our co-worker.  Great.  I found this out by doing a reverse phone number search, and my coworker's name popped up.   At first I thought SHE was having an affair with him, but then I realized it was my coworker's lesbian lover that was my husband AP.   I told.  I couldn't not tell.   I texted my coworker's name to her lover.........she had to confess because her lover, works at the hospital with me and my husband.   How do you cheat on your lover with someone that works at their job?  what a low life.   but so is my husband for cheating on me.....a low life.    So- I told.   My coworker met with me twice to talk about it.  she was devastated because she knows and respects my husband.   it was a cluster-f&^^k.   I believe they broke up- I don't know, but that is what the coworker said........ironically, she told me to consider not leaving my husband, because she thinks their affair was about sex, nothing more.     what a damn predicament.    my husband AP's lover putting in a good word for him.  WTF.  anyway, I am glad I did it.  It may not be mature or dignified, but it gave me a bit of satisfaction knowing that I had upset her applecart.   call me petty- but at the time I was 3 weeks from D-day - and I didn't care not one iota about her.......actually, im lying,.....I cared so much about hurting her.....and I did....I hope. I am 2yrs 8mos from D-day- my hate for her has subsided into a dull pang....I guess since I have never seen her, or really know much about her- she is still a mystery.  but- I do know, that I was very glad I told.
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Karilee
Alive12, I understand your feelings on this from personal experience.  It is natural to want to tell the other BS.  I'm sure your husband would rather you not but that feeling of wanting to tell will not go away. It's easy to justify it by saying it's not fair to that person not to know, but the reality is we are doing it for ourselves.  I went through it and the first time I caught my H cheating I did not tell the other BS.  I was fooled into thinking my H was truly remorseful.  Then fast forward to DDAY #2 two years later with the same OW.  That was beyond horrible and just gutted me.  My H thought I would not contact the other BS even though I never promised him I wouldn't.  I waited about a month after DDAy and things with H was becoming increasingly worse with how he treated me and I couldn't take it anymore, so without any warning to my H or the OW, I contacted the BS of the OW and told him everything.  I was scared yet felt so justified.  I made sure my H and the OW had no warning it was coming so they had no time to come up with any stories.  It was my sweet revenge to both of them for all the hurt they caused. and it felt good to get it out.  I wasn't going to protect my H or let the OW just get away with it.  My H was furious with me, mostly because he wanted to protect himself, but at that point I did not care.  It was great to see them both in that spot, scared and their little fantasy blown up.  My H tried making me feel guilty for "ruining the other family."  WTF?? I couldn't believe he could do such cruel and hurtful things to me yet expect me to protect HIM.  If you and your H are doing well this may set you back, but if not then do it.  You will be surprised how much more you find out when you talk to the other BS.  If nothing else it answers many lingering questions. Whether or not it helps your situation is unknown.  Do what you feel in your gut, but whatever you do, do it in a way that is just being honest about what you know and see how it pans out. I feel for you and the spot you are in. It's not easy.
Female BS, two kids age 10 & 13
Married 16 years, together for 23 years total
D Days - Feb 2013, June 2015 and Sept 2017
All with the same OW
Separated
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