Turmoil
Had an emotional affair with MM and BS reached out to me to find out what was going on. I did not acknowledge the message. BS reached out again this time in anger and stating that I could have him. Again I did not acknowledge her. BS eventually reached out calling me names, which I have to admit are true and she had a right to be angry but i defended him and denied our relationship. 

Not sure how I should take her reaching out to me? Should I have come clean? When she stated that I could have him, I sincerely albeit probably very naively and stupidly believed that she did not care for him and did not want him— justifying my being there for him emotionally.

Trying to gain clarity and understanding. Please no name calling as part of my issues is that I already have low self esteem. It was good to be needed even if I was/am only being used. 
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ThrivenotSurvive
If she reached out to you, I would tell the truth.  Put yourself in her situation and act accordingly.  i would keep it short and and honest.  if you have gone no contact, tell her so and that you realize what you were doing was wrong and that you have stopped. Then let them sort out their relationship.  You need to remove yourself from both of their lives.  

Keep in mind that she is the one that is being lied to - not him.  So she is the one that needs to be protected, not him.

If you haven't gone no contact - then you absolutely should.  This only gets worse from here. 
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ThrivenotSurvive
Oh and trust me.  She likely doesn't even know what she wants right now.  She is reeling with anger, hurt, shock and disbelief.  She is going through an unbelievable amount of emotions realizing she has been betrayed by the person she trusts most.  

I told my husband I wanted a divorce and meant it for 10 days before I suddenly realized that I might not be 100% done.  This is NOT a roller coaster you want to ride.  And he is NOT a prize you want to win.  if he's going behind her back he lacks emotional maturity and integrity AT BEST.  AT WORST, he is lacking a conscience.   Even the best case scenario is going to require some serious work before he's a good partner for ANYONE.  In the worst case scenario, he's a master manipulator that uses people like you because they are easy targets (you mentioned you have low self-esteem and those are exactly the people users seek out.)

Do something good for yourself.  Read books of building self-esteem, join a self-help group, get therapy.  Start building yourself up so that this kind of guy doesn't even hit your radar because you radiate self-confidence.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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UrbanExplorer
When I had an affair, the other person's BS was the one to uncover it and started messaging me about it. I did own up to the affair right away and I apologized (not that an apology is really enough in that scenario). Eventually, over maybe a month, the messaging escalated in what I consider a very harmful direction, so it had to stop.

I do think you owe her an answer to her basic questions, but then apologize and leave her be and let the MM handle it.
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Skelling
I am a BS and reached out to the AP of my husband. She didn't bother replying either, which made things worse for me because it strengthened the feeling of being left out of their little secret bond. I was actually fair and even empathetic. (Not so much after I had the full truth though, in my rage I told her as well she could have him, I didn't want a liar and a coward, I want a man who respects me and honers his promise, who protects me and not hrows me under the bus so he can get his 5 min of feeling good about himself, however even then I didn't call her names although I did in my head and in front of my husband) An apology would have made things sooooo much easier for me. We are all wired for justice and everything in me cried for that. I didn't reach out again but do believe an apology would have brought me some peace and wouldn't have encouraged me to continue messaging as I got, what I thought I needed. We are all human, we all mess up one way or the other but its how we deal with it, thats what makes all the difference. Lies and deceiving makes it all so much harder. A few month back I wrote a huge long letter, trying how it all made me feel, trying to put the picture right she had of me... realizing no matter what I say or do, I won't have power over what people think or feel about me so I didn't send it. However, For me it was a question of respect. You mess up, you own it (and I never got that from her) I try and teach that to my kids and when I am wrong I go and apologize, even if its uncomfortable and embarressing but for me thats the right thing to do. And believe me her self esteem is pretty much non existent at that point too.
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EasyAsABC
I am the OW in affair that recently ended as well. Believe me when I say now that a simple explanation and maybe even a short apology will not only help her, but you in the end as well. 
The man I was seeing lied to his partner as well, only she never reached out to me for answers, and knowing she’s still being lied to daily is weighing heavily on me, even though I have nothing to do with him anymore. 
She obviously knows something, don’t lie for him, and don’t keep lowering your standards to be on the same level as him. 
Try putting yourself in her shoes for even a second, would you want the truth? You don’t need to give her specifics, just confirm her suspicions and then move on. It doesn’t need to be a long timeline laid out for her, keep it short and sweet and then never talk to either of them again. 
Trust me, life after letting go of this relationship is much better, even if it doesn’t seem that way right now. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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anthro
I would probably just try to remember that her communications are driven by her focus on her relationship with her partner and are not about you. So the name-calling is something you can tune out and so is the "you can have him". 

If she has asked you anything directly then I think you should answer her truthfully and very accurately. I don't think you should filter. I think you should do that for a few emails back and forth. If she just keeps going on and it gets repetitive then you may need to consider when to cut the correspondence off. But that may not happen, so deal with it when you have to.

By "should", I simply mean what I would be looking for as a BS from you as AP.

As far as apologising goes, sure, do it - you will probably feel best in  the long run if you carefully avoid making excuses or being defensive. 
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Experiencethedevine29
You lied to her and told her nothing was going on...For goodness sake, tell her what happened, find your conscience,  and to regain a glimpse of what it looks like to do something decent, help her off that hamster wheel you and her husband have put her on ... she’s likely to be driven to the point of insanity discovering you and her husband have laid her out on the floor, and laughed while you pissed all over her..sound harsh? The reality for many betrayed spouses is that is what it feels like.... put yourself in her shoes for just a minute and it might be enough for you to at the very least offer her some sort of apology for your part  in her demise.

As for your self esteem, as thrive suggests, get yourself into counselling to work through why you need so much validation, and from a man you got involved with in the full knowledge of his marital status. I don’t care what f***ing horse manure he spewed about it. Are you still talking to this twat?  If you are, stop. It won’t end well, believe me.

i sincerely hope the future holds better things for you.
ETD 🌻
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EasyAsABC
One more anecdote to give you a little more perspective. 
Shortly after the first time things ended between my involved man and I (right after DDay), I had a ONS with someone else (I also have self esteem issues, I’m in therapy now and doing much better). 
This man swore up and down that he was single, he didn’t wear a wedding ring, and he was alone at a club at 2am. 
He asked for my number, and I reluctantly gave It to him afterwards, and we exchanged a few texts when I was driving home. 
I woke up the next morning to a text from his wife, informing me that he was not only married, but had a baby at home as well. She also said “you can have him”. 
You know how it didn’t end in name calling? 
I sent her a text apologizing, letting her know the truth about what happened, and that I was happy to never speak to him again. 
She THANKED me for my honesty, and told me she didn’t blame me, she just wanted to make sure I knew the truth if he ever reached out to me again. She did wind up leaving him as well. 
The truth will literally set you free. 

Now of course here’s where you should do as I say, not as I do, because shortly after that, the man I was in a relationship with reached back out to me and we reconnected and continued seeing each other for a few more months regularly. 
However, if his partner reached out to me at this point, I’d do the same thing I did previously. 
When someone lies, it will inevitably catch up with them. You just need to decide if you really want to be apart of those lies, because if you choose to keep lying for him, whatever comes next for him, will likely affect you too. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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Bgreen
In my situation my WH’s AP reached out to me (she was someone I had considered a friend) to tell me I was a horrible person and that my WH was also horrible (she was angry he had chosen to work on the marriage instead of leaving me for her). I had just longed for her to apologize and the fact I could not get that from her really set my healing back. I would consider that you have enormously hurt this person, apologize, briefly tell her the truth, and move on. 

With regard to your self esteem, I would suggest that having and affair and then lying about it will not do anything to bolster your self esteem, and will instead have the opposite effect. Consider that you have also contributed to annihilating someone else’s feelings of self-worth.

I would suggest that the best way to boost your self esteem is to start acting with integrity and dignity. Get some counselling and move on from this.  
Female, BS 2 years post DDay
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Blessedby7
I did contact the OW.  I told her I knew everything, and that I had recorded their entire conversation, including her dirty pictures to him. I would do nothing with them unless forced, but if needed, I'd be more than happy to share them with her husband. She apologized for destroying two families, and said she would back off and stay away.  When her dad reached out to me, I also informed him of what I knew about this being her second affair, her accusations against her husband, and let him know that I would be more than willing to help her husband in court if he needed it. 

Her dad has since reached out another time or two to see how I am doing (he's a preacher) and I've been honest, though not in detail.  I have not had any more contact with her. I don't know if I handled everything correctly, but I am mostly at peace with it. I have days I still want to contact her and ask questions, accuse and just be a witch 😉, but I resist. 
Female BS
Dday 10/12/2018, but major trigger dates are 10/5-10/7 (wedding anniversary) 
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Turmoil
Thank you all for your reply and insight. 
When i met him I did not know he was married. Yes I did find out before I got attached emotionally, but still I should have been stronger. Through out I did think of his wife and sympathize for her and it tore me up. Of course I had to rationalize my feelings by telling myself that he wanted this too and that he loved me and at times I just had to not think of her. All of this is selfish and all excuses. I understand that. It didn’t really hit though until she reached out and at that time I was so shocked I didn’t honestly know what to do. I wanted to eliminate myself from the situation and figured if I denied it and gave them a chance to make up that that would be better. I am guessing I was wrong because I took away her chance at clarity and her choice to be make an informed decision and possibly walk away. 

Again thank you for your insight. I am continuing to look to this for support and encouragement as I try to get through this. 
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UrbanExplorer
How long has it been since she last contacted you? If it hasn't been long, I'd respond once, calmly, fessing up to whatever the extent of it was and apologizing (for the affair and your initial denial). Then remove yourself from contact again.
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Keepabuzz
How long has it been since she last contacted you? If it hasn't been long, I'd respond once, calmly, fessing up to whatever the extent of it was and apologizing (for the affair and your initial denial). Then remove yourself from contact again.


I agree with this 1000%
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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MC
I wrote a very short letter to my wife's AP after D-day.  I knew him before the affair.  He replied with an apology.  He also in the next sentence explained that he and my wife had been "trying to bring this nonsense to an end for some time".  However, I had numerous text messages and Facebook messages that were entirely contrary to his claim to trying to end things.  Very much opposite, he tried in earnest to keep the affair alive.

If you are a BS and get and apology from the AP, that's not a bad thing I guess.  But don't expect it to hold much value.  It certainly didn't for me.  Any sincerity that there may have been in his apology, if any, lay in the shadow of his offense against me and his appallingly false statement in the very next sentence.    
________________
Male BS
D-Day 3.15.2017


Taking care of myself, as we all deserve to do.
Encouraging all to bolster their: Emotional Health, Physical Health and Spiritual Health
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