Adrift Show full post »
I am only now (7 months post dday) coming out of the anger phase. I haven't gotten a full confession, or full remorse from my WS. He is still in contact with his AP and still gets defensive about it when I bring it up, which is almost never at this point. We are separated but we see each other every day because of the kids and the fact that he's living next door. My anger isn't dissipating because there has been any major change in our situation. It's solely because I have decided not to consider myself a victim anymore. Being a victim gives me no power to change my situation. I'm choosing to take steps to change my situation by doing exactly what Kal and other WSs are saying. That is, by seeking to understand my husband and the factors that contributed to his decision to cheat on our family. The only way he's going to open up to me about that in a meaningful way is if I let go of the anger. Otherwise, he's scared to talk to me. Even though he may never come back to our marriage, I feel it's necessary for both of us to understand what happened and why. The reality is that the dysfunctional way that both of us were treating each other drove him to a point of such despair that he made decisions completely and totally out of character. He's still wrestling with that. He knows he hurt me. He knows he f****d up big time. And he knows that he will forever carry with him the fact that he cheated. I screamed vile and hateful things at him, threw my shoes at him (more than once!), threatened to ruin his career, and to broadcast his sins to everyone we knew. (Although I thankfully didn't actually do the last two.). I don't feel ashamed of how I acted in the first few months because I was crazy with shock and anger and hurt. And he took most of it on the chin. So, he KNOWS how angry I am about what he did. There's no reason in my mind to continue throwing it in his face. I want him to come back to me, therefore it doesn't serve my purpose to continue feeling the victim and berating him for what he did. That doesn't mean I don't want to talk to him about it. It just means I have to be open to really hearing him, about everything, when and if he's ever ready to talk to me about it.
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