TimT
Note: I'm looking of input regarding the experiences of the unfaithful partner. Some contributions may be quoted in an affair recovery manual I am writing. (I'll give you a free copy if I quote you.) I'm especially looking for quotes from those who had an affair, but betrayed spouses may also comment about their experiences with an unfaithful spouse in these areas.

Questions to consider: Once your affair was uncovered, did you break off contact with the affair partner? If not, why not? If so, how difficult was it to do so? What steps were required for you to end all contact? Do you think you might ever reconnect in the future, for any reason?
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Kalmarjan
TimT wrote:
Once your affair was uncovered, did you break off contact with the affair partner? If not, why not?

I actually left my wife to live with my AP, assuming. Ing that I had found my "true love."
After I finally broke it off with her, I did not break contact with her, despite all warnings to do so. I also read it here, but truthfully, I didn't.

I blocked the AP at the request of my wife, but truthfully, it was only on one avenue. Facebook. I kept contact with the AP on other avenues, including even having a fake Facebook account that she could contact me in. I used snap chat, and instagram to contact her, either indirectly.

There also was texts, and finally I even contacted her on the phone when my wife was not around.

Why?

I just could not bring myself to hurt this woman. I was actually worried about how she was hurt. I didn't realize it at the time, but the AP was also feeding into my fears and insecurity about that. (Asking me to tell her "how I felt")

I know it's stupid, but looking back at it, I realize that to the AP, it was about some form of control. She was furious that I blocked her on Facebook. Furious. But, I didn't relent.

I finally figured out that it was causing me more pain in the end to be in contact with the AP, so in the end I just blocked her, her family, and friends from me.

I just ignore her now. If she texts, I don't answer. I know what she is trying to do, so I just say, meh.

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If so, how difficult was it to do so?

Like I was saying, it is very very difficult to do. What's worse, I can't get her out of my thoughts completely. The more I contact, the more she is there. This is why I finally understand the no contact rule.
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What steps were required for you to end all contact?


In the end, I had to be brutal and just make a choice. There is no way that all parties are going to come out of it happy. In the end, I need to make a choice... Who will be happy? Me, or the AP.

Notice I didn't say my wife there.

In the end I didn't block the AP for my wife. I did it for me. Yes, my wife's feelings are important to me, but to be truthful here... I would not have gone and done what I did if the feelings of my wife were utmost important to me.

In fact, in my recovery, knowing that the constant caretaking of my wife's feelings is what led me to the affair (codependency and nice guy behaviour) it didn't make sense to do it for my wife.

It made sense to do it for me. This is the message I have for ALL the WS Spouses out there...

If you are truly off the fence, and you are committed to the recovery of your marriage, then make NO MISTAKE. Cutting off contact is not about the feelings for your BS.. It's about your feelings, and your ability to get past your AP.

Remember that it's like quitting smoking, or heroin. A little fix isn't going to help you, it will make you regress.

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Do you think you might ever reconnect in the future, for any reason?


I sure hope not. Every time the AP finds a way, it's like I'm back at square one.

Make no mistake, Here is the bottom line. Even If (and this is a HUGE if..) that person was somehow the "right one" for you, I never forget that relationship started on a lie, and that person was willing to sleep with a married person. Think on that for a minute. It should give you pause.
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johnbluedog69
thank you kal I need to get my wife to read and believe this I just don't think she is there yet.
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