Brandi
We have struggled with boundry issues (understament of the year right?!) so I told my husband I wanted him to think of the perfect relationship and what boundries that it had-both between he and I and between us (as indivuduals) and the world. (as in when we are not around each other)
So-what are your boundries post affair? What happens if they are not kept? When naming boundries do you also name consequences for not upholding them?
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Heidi
Hi Brandi. Sorry I haven't replied before, I only just saw this. I think I'd start by saying that the boundaries we put in place were to make me feel safe at a time when I was in a bad place. They were specific to our situation - WS had an affair with a coworker, and they still worked together which was hard. So our boundaries were:

1. No contact unless strictly necessary from a work point of view
2. Amy contact at all - he would tell me right away
3. For him to get a new job asap
4. For him to leave work on time every night and message me when he was leaving. To keep in contact on his journey home (he commutes by train, and used to 'work late' a lot)

These were all non negotiable for me.

As we moved into recovery, we have some new boundaries that support our relationship.

1. We make time to spend with each other, no gadgets phones etc to distract us - for at least an hour each night.

2. He doesn't have coffee / personal conversations with members of the opposite sex

3. He doesn't socialise without me at work.

4. We are emotionally honest with each other, even if it hurts sometimes.

5. Never lie to each other. Ever. This is my deal breaker!

I also adhere to those boundaries, as I think they're important for us both to have a healthy and positive relationship. As time moves on we may renegotiate some (I'm thinking of nilunbet 2 in particular) but I'm not ready got that yet.

We haven't discussed consequences, but there would be some. We both know that! At this point either we are in or we are not. If not then I think we are both ready to discuss it honestly and say this isn't working.
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