Shayla
I'm currently reading The Truth about Cheating, Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It by M Gary Neuman.

I'm only 34% in but it's making me angry. A lot of the points it's made so far I get but it's coming across as men are going to be insensitive jerks a lot of the time, but you should cut them some slack and show them how much you appreciate them anyway. After my husband's affair 5 years ago. I got almost this same message from another source. I took it to heart and that is when things turned around for us. I quit pushing for my husband to do things the way I thought they should be done and started just appreciating the effort he did put in. I quit trying to get him to show love in ways that were meaningful to me and just accepted that he loved me and showed me in the best way he knew how. I didn't just let him off the hook, but I did change the way I expected him to act and accepted him for the way he is. What good did that do me? We are back here again.

This book is saying that if you don't show appreciation for the things your husband does right, then he is going to feel like he can never win and eventually just quit trying. I get what the author is saying, but appreciation is a two way street. How is a betrayed wife suppose to appreciate her husband when his actions show how every little he values and appreciates her?
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surviving
Shayla - I have wondered the same thing.  My husband figured out that he never got acceptance from his father.  When we married, it didn't matter what I told him of how smart he was, how organized he did things, and on and on.  He didn't accept anything I said.  When his AP complimented him on the same things I said, he loved it and started his 14-year affair with her.  You are right, appreciation is a two-way street.  Since his confession I have heard several compliments that were never said before he was caught in his affair.  I keep wondering if he isn't trying to talk me into making a go of this farce of a marriage, and then he will revert back to his old self.  Trust?  Nope, I can't trust anything he says or does.  When you lie for 35 years, it is hard to believe you now.  I also keep thinking that if the right person came along, he would leave me again because I am not what he wants.  He says he does want me, but he sure didn't prove that over the years. 

I also read in several books that you really can't prevent a cheater cheating.  In our case, it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, he cheated anyway.  That book would make me mad too.

You might try checking out "Blazing Grace" website (http://www.blazinggrace.org/).  They have a lot of information for the BS and the WS.  We have read his two books too - "The Road to Grace" and "100 Days on the Road to Grace."  They are both very good.  The author was a WS for years, he and his wife just celebrated 37 years.  His videos are good as well.


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Shayla
Thank you, surviving. I will check out the website. I'm right there with you on the lack of trust and the leaving if the "right" someone comes along.

Five years ago my biggest fear was my husband would do what he could to keep our marriage, but when things settled down he would cheat again. Which turned out to be something to worry about.
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surviving
Shayla - I am so sorry you are going through this.  I am so sorry that I am going through this.  It is hard, very hard.  I want to believe him, but why should I?  He has lied to me for all our married lives (35 years).  However, there is a huge change in his actions.  He is kind, serving me (I just had knee replacement surgery), answering my questions and there is hardly any anger at all (which used to be HUGE).  I hope all goes well with you!  I am taking one day at a time.  Please, you do the same!
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