Well, after a month of patient tolerance of this detente, last night we ended up having a very serious discussion that ended in an serious argument. Grievances were aired. I basically said, I'm not leaving. You are choosing this affair, you have chosen to rewrite the history of our marriage, you have chosen to lie to me again and again, to my face, without the least compunction, while I apologize again and again for not loving you well enough. But in this, I will make the choice, and I'm telling you, I'm not walking away from my home or my children, to make way for your new relationship. I love you, am willing to work toward reconciliation, but obviously not while your affair continues.
I said some hard things, and she seemed shocked to hear any criticism of her character (willingness to lie, to put the affair above the needs of me, or more importantly, the children) but maybe this is wake up call from fog she's been in. Or maybe it's the nail in the coffin. Either way, it helped me realize that I've made my decision. I'm not going to make it easy for her to end this marriage. Not going to walk away, not going to grant a divorce based on mutual incompatibility or whatever non-specific label she wants to give it to insure that our families and friends never have to be aware that our marriage is falling apart because she's having an affair.
So what next? I don't know.
You know neither of you are ready for the divorce. People these days seem to think it's an easy process. Just sign a paper and it's done. I applaud you for laying it down and saying no - there needs to be some work done here before we go down that path.
So, if you don't mind me asking, what is the boundary there? What are the consequences if she continued with this illicit affair?