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Hi, I am lost. would like professional help, but can't afford it now. My todays relationship feels so broken. So much has happened in such a short time. This relationship started first in 2017, my second one after a long term 16 year. I jumped into a new relationship with this new person, who betrayed me with several within the first year of our relationship. His opinion is that it isn't unusual to date several people in the beginning of a relationship. I didn't see that what we had as a date. I left my ex for him. Everything he wrote in the beginning was about long-term and that I was the one. He didn't tell me about the betrayels. I found out about a half year later. He wasn't honest. I got informasjon little by little over a long time. Had to drag it out and A dream many months later revealed the other person he betrayed me with. We tried therapy back then, but he didn't want to continue after the second session. After the betrayels our relationship got worse. I didn't know why. I didn't know about the betrayels yet. I was growing more and more confusion and my self-worth went downhil. He didn't wanted to make love to me, but would watch porn and masterbate. I thought it was me. Also because of the things he said. One comment I still struggle with today. He asked if I have ever thought of boob surgery. I was confused and reacted somewhat in defence. No, why? I didn't get an answer straight away. Later he finally admitted he would have liked more perky boobs. On the same time he said, at least you have boobs, many woman don't. It hurt me deeply. Especially as I always have struggeld with selfworth, which I told him about in the beginning of our relationship. Now we are 1,5 year after D-day, but feel very stuck. He wants me, a life with me, yet I don't always feel that. No healing or help to healing our relationship from his side. He still does things in everyday life that doesn't build trust. Communication is now very hard.I feel so distant from him. He keeps hurting me. I am not doing everything perfect either. Blamed him and attaked for a long time after. I have admitted this many times to him and apologised. Everytime I speak about separation now, he turns into a very caring and helpful person for a while. He says I am an amazing person, yet I don't feel that when he does things that hurt me or does the opposit of what I need. I have often spoken about getting help for us, about communication, about healing and recovery, but no response. No effort from his side. He lives in norway now fulltime since april 2019, yet doesn't speak a word Norwegian, nor wants too. He has always excuses. I have offered my help. I have explained it would help me, as now all paperwork and work in Norwegian falls upon me. He sleeps massive amount of time, almost every day goes back to bed for a 2-3 hour nap after breakfast. Sometimes he spent whole days just sleeping, reading on the internet and iphone. At times he helps a bit more, than less. Little tasks on the home are done. He works part time, 18 hours a week.
I am confused. He tells me he needs more rest than other people due to his eczema. Not sure what to accept any more. Now he does touch me. He does tell me every day he loves me. I just don't know anymore. I don't feel happy. I feel confused. I don't know what to do. any advice?
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Vanessa
actions. not words.
Every person here who has been betrayed by a spouse/long time love has learned that difficult lesson that words are cheap and only actions really matter in the long run. 
Do his ACTIONS indicate that he cares for you, for your life together, for building something real in Norway?  Assuming his behaviour continued the same for two more years how would you feel?  Would that relationship be acceptable to you? 
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Keepabuzz
So you left your ex for him? So he was your AP, and you’re now surprised that he has betrayed you and you can’t trust him?  Then he only works part time and drops more load on you. I can really see any point in staying. Are there some ridiculous positives that you have failed to mention?
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive

I agree with both of the above.  

Here is what I took away from your post:

You are deeply unhappy.  he is making no SERIOUS effort to improve your relationship or you lives together unless you talk of ending it.  During what should have been the “honeymoon” period of your relationship he has already betrayed you. He says he did nothing wrong becuase you were “dating” but still was not honest about it until you went digging.  If that is how he acts when he does not believe he’s done wrong- how honest will he be when he knows he’s done wrong?  

You are unhappy becuase this is a bad relationship.  It has NONE of the qualities that make up a good one.  He does not make you feel loved or valued with any consistency.   You do not trust him.  You cannot count on him to be an equal partner financially or emotionally.  

Unless I am missing something here, I think it is pretty clear this is a no win situation.  Be glad you don’t share kids and send him packing.  I think you are being used.  

BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ABurris105
I agree with all of the above.  Don’t work on trying to change or understand him.  Take care of you; grow stronger and you will see more clearly that what he is giving you is not what you need.
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FanofMike2020
Don’t walk away from him.  RUN.  Run as fast as you can.  He is just giving you a preview of your future life together, and it doesn’t look very rosy.  There are so many other fish in the sea.  Take this experience, learn from it, and find someone who will treat you like the Queen that you are.
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