latejuly09
Hello!
A few weeks ago I received an email to my work email from a complete stranger. This person sent information that my husband had cheated with someone he went to school with some time before we had gotten married. They claimed that this went on for some weeks. When I confronted my husband he said he had not cheated. After pressing him he admitted to going to see a movie with a female friend. After more pressing, he admitted that she gave him oral in his car. His side: We had gotten into an argument the day before told him I needed time to think. I felt he was trying to sexually pressure me. (worked this our through our marriage counseling, yes we were in MARRIAGE COUNSELING when this happened) He claimed it was not cheating because we were on a break. This girl texted him to see how he was doing. He told her about our fight and that he did not know where our relationship stood. She invited him to see a movie, he thought it would take his mind off of things. After the movie they were in his car and he claims that she kissed him and that she unzipped his pants and gave him oral. He claims he was in shock and after a minute he pushed her off. He claims that he never had contact with her after, but yet he kept her number. She moved back to her country weeks later so he says he knew that number would not work. He says his judgment was clouded because he was distraught from our argument. When I would ask him questions he started to tell me that I should just trust him. Explained to him that it's unrealistic for him to expect. He continues to refer to this as a mistake. Its either my fault or her fault or the person who contacted me (because they are out to get him).  I feel that he is not taking responsibility. We have been together 8 years and married 11 months. I am not sure what to really believe and if it worth staying.
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notemanj

Right now, I would believe nothing from your husband. You should just trust me is the dumbest line anyone lying ever used. It’s like a neon sign saying I AM NOT TELLING YOU THE TRUTH! 

That being said, it is far to early to decide if it’s time to throw in the towel on a nine year relationship. This discovery is upsetting. And can be traumatizing. For both of you. They lie because they are ashamed. They lie because they sincerely believe that they are saving you from unnecessary pain. Sometimes they lie because they are liars. Until you know which one you’ve got, I would wait around and see how things unfold. 

This takes an extraordinary amount of time that will enrage you, make you sadder than you have ever felt, and test your patience to its limits. But if you have that in you (and your physical safety is not an issue), I would save the stay/go decision for another time. Usually BS give it at least 6 months. 

I hope this helps. I hope that things get easier sooner rather than later. Keep reaching out for help. And remember to take care of yourself. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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latejuly09
Thank you I will take your advice on waiting. I just don’t want to feel like I am wasting time with this person. But like you said there are many emotions right now. 
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Skelling
Welcome latejuly. I am so sorry you find yourself here. Note has given some really good advice. Try not to put that pressure on yourself of having to decide. From my own experience, emotions will go up and down for quite some time and you don't want to make any permanent decisions right now. I can relate very well not wanting to waste time. I had the same thoughts and I am sure many here did. My husband had an affair after we had been married for 12 years a couple for 18. Similar to what you wrote about your husband, he felt overwhelmed and "went along" when the OW made a move on him. Now this isn't to excuse that he got himself into that situation in the first place but I think many men think they can handle it and put a stop to it anytime they want. They just want to get a little more of that exciting feeling of being adored.... (excuse me, while I vomit a little here). In all seriousness though, if your husband is anything like mine or many others, who shy away from conflict, is a people pleaser....he will do anything to avoid conflict especially since she "made him feel better" after you had an argument. To my husband it felt like he owed it to her. She was nice to him, listened to him, agreed with him that I was the problem not him, that he was a real good guy....so when she kissed him, he felt it was the least he could do for her. The last thing he wanted to have her upset with him too. Its very convoluted I know and it still has my blood boiling after 3 years since the affair (I also didn't find out till 15month later). 

My advice would be to focus on yourself and asked him to start looking within him to figure out, why he went against integrity and morals. Why he allowed this woman to come onto him and why he chose to lie. If he is willing to put in the work and truly wants to find the answers to those questions not just to please you but for himself so he can make darn sure that in a similar situation, he won't find himself making the same bad choices, then I don't think you are wasting your time. But this will take time, commitment, endurance and a bunch of hard work on his part.  BTW I very much dislike, when they say mistake. It wasn't a mistake it was a sequence of bad choices. Maybe just semantics for some for me the difference matters. Best of luck on your journey, take care of yourself, read and ask here, you will find plenty of good advice here. I know it helped me a ton.
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