ABCOneTwoThree
I quickly figured out who was behind the stalking and attempted access to my accounts. I feel like the threat is minimal at this point, and I wanted to resume my participation on this site regardless of potentially being watched still. 
My ex AP made an account here, read everything I posted, and generated password request changes on multiple accounts so I would be aware that I was being watched. While I’m sure I’m still going to be monitored, I don’t really care anymore. 
He accused me of lying and playing the victim on here, and said he was watching to see “who I really was”. He threatened to take legal action if I disclosed his lies to his partner (even though I stated on here multiple times I had no intention of doing), and to share untrue facts and secrets I had shared with him to my abusive ex husband with the intent of making my life more hellish, and to make my already tumultuous co-parenting relationship even worse. 
Here are the facts: I knowingly entered a relationship with him while being informed he had a partner. We both had other partners initially. I met him at first just for sex, I had spent years being forced to have sex against my will with my ex husband, a couple of those times actually put me in the hospital. As such, I had and still probably have, an unhealthy relationship with sex. I at first believed I simply would never enjoy sex again, I was wrong.
One of my other past partners is also married (let’s call him M), I also knew that going in to that encounter. The man I eventually became heavily involved with (let’s call him D) encouraged that encounter, and actually told me that if casual sex was what I was after, married men were the people I should be seeking out because they were less likely to try to have anything more with me. I began seeing D exclusively only a couple of months after we met though, and stopped seeing M. I asked D to leave his partner for me three months into our relationship. After DDay, I did contact M and we very temporarily resumed a sexual relationship, from January-February ish. After that I was only seeing D again until June. 
While I did block D’s numbers after things ended for real, I also often unblocked them. And I initiated contact quite often. The honest truth is I loved him. I still do, to an extent. Despite the awful things he’s done, I still found him to be the only person I trusted, the only person that I felt I could be genuine with, the only person I felt safe with, and he was the only person I wanted a future with. I missed him and thought about him every single day, some days were too much to bear. It literally felt like half of my heart was walking around outside of my chest. I was able to objectively see the bad in him, and I thought it was beneficial to talk about those bad qualities on here, but that only reflected about 10% of my real feelings for him. I still love him, even now. And the fact that I never reached out to his partner to tell her the truth was only partly due to me being empathetic to the damage it would do to her, it was mostly based on me not wanting to hurt D. He wants that relationship to work, ripping it away from him wasn’t something I could do, only because of the way I feel about him. 
I guess I’m hoping that this little bit of clarity on my part will make the continued stalking and intimidation go away. D hates me based on things I’ve posted on here, he feels that I’ve intentionally posted my story publicly in hopes his partner will someday “stumble” across it, while that’s not the case, I’m hoping that this hate will help me to move on, though it’s not working just yet. I don’t feel I’ve shared any outright lies, but that my perception of events don’t mirror his perception of events, and that’s fine.
The simple fact is that I fell absolutely dangerously in love with someone I shouldn’t have. I was (and still am) in a terrible place emotionally, which I’m sure didn’t help my intense feelings for D. I’ve done some not so great things in order to “get over” my feelings for him, including rushing into a relationship I had no business being in, and then ending it. Many of my posts here have been a mess of heightened emotions, 
I thought that trash talking him here would help me to pick out the bits and pieces of this story that were just utter bullsh*t and keep them fresh in my mind, so that’s what I’ve been doing. I know it can come across that I have these horrible and animosity driven feelings toward his partner, but I think most of this is just jealousy. I don’t hate her, I don’t blame her. I didn’t want everything she had, I just wanted him, partly because I did truly believe he wanted me too. The little glimpse into the hurt I caused her is actually what prompted me to cut M out of my life, and what prompted me to really take a look at who I was attracted to, and why. While I don’t think I’ll ever get to the point of being able to accept ALL of the responsibility for her pain, I do understand that I am responsible for my actions, which weren’t and haven’t been honorable. I still feel immense pity over the fact that she’s still living a lie, but I have accepted that it’s not my responsibility to turn her world on it’s head, again. And I accepted that a long time ago. 
I don’t think I’ll ever “get over” this. I don’t think this level of hurt and anguish is something anyone just forgets and moves past. But I would eventually like to be able to say that all of this made me a better, stronger person. I’ve struggled with self harm, and one past suicide attempt, I need to be better than that. Better than this relationship with D. 
Hopefully this clears up a little bit of the mess I left on here when I left abruptly. I’m really trying to be a better person, because good things aren’t going to happen to me until I am. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Skelling
Easy, I am glad you were able to sort things. I read your post, and I very much hope ths is really you and we don't get played here, because none of us deserve that. We had enough deceit and lies for a lifetime. 
It moved me to read this and please don't be offended but for the first time, I can feel compassion with you and your situation, because I feel that you have been finally honest with yourself. Again please don't get me wrong. I tried to stay objective on your past posts but to be very honest, I struggled. Often it came across as halfheartedly trying but conving that you are giving 110%, which personally triggered me. A lot of the stuff you posted struck a nerve with me and it hurt me and I went straight into defensive mode. Maybe it was just me being oversensitive and reading your posts as giving the OW a pass...or something along these lines. I am sorry I should have been more patient, but I am hurt and hurt people hurt people. No excuse though. So welcome back. To new starts and to healing 
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ABCOneTwoThree
I probably my should have done what Triplehooks suggested and made a code word to let people know it was really me when I came back. 
I get that hurt people hurt people, I completely understand that. And I hope you won’t feel the need to be restrained if you feel I’m being less than candid and less than reasonable in the future. I admit that I still will probably sympathize with OW/OM more than I should moving forward, but it’s a product of my story, and I’m going to try and be better about it. And I know there will still be people here that I don’t agree with completely, that’s okay. 
I’m still hurting, in an epic way. I don’t want to pretend that I’m not. But I do think that having a community to talk to about the far less than perfect way I went about handling my trauma on my own is going to be beneficial. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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Vanessa
One thing to note - it is unlikely that your former AP so would recognize "their" story if she ever "stumbled" upon this site as they (the affair stories) are sadly so very much the same. 
I am sorry you went through this stalking bit, but I hope you can see what your former AP is really like - his behavior towards you is not hte behavior of someone who "Loved you so much but couldn't leave because of the kids" - his behavior is that of a self centered person who wants to have his cake and eat it to
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ABCOneTwoThree
Vanessa wrote:
One thing to note - it is unlikely that your former AP so would recognize "their" story if she ever "stumbled" upon this site as they (the affair stories) are sadly so very much the same. 
I am sorry you went through this stalking bit, but I hope you can see what your former AP is really like - his behavior towards you is not hte behavior of someone who "Loved you so much but couldn't leave because of the kids" - his behavior is that of a self centered person who wants to have his cake and eat it to


That was also my assumption when it came to posting this story. 
I’m not innocent when it comes to being self centered, but I’m working on it, at least. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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ABCOneTwoThree
This has all taken quite the toll on me. I didn’t feel safe before, and it was making me paranoid. Now that I have an answer I’m just so drained from living like that. I stayed home from work and slept most of the day. Honestly, it was vaguely familiar to the days I lived under my ex husbands thumb. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel safe again. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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ABCOneTwoThree
I’m having a bit of a freak out. I’m starting to doubt every feeling I thought I felt, and every feeling I thought was reciprocated. I’m also questioning everything I remember, every situation I based important decisions on.
I can honestly say that I believed there was a chance that we would be together. Every action I took pre DDay and post DDay was driven by that thought, and my feelings. Is it possible that he only stayed involved with me to keep me complacent and in check? To make sure I wasn’t going to spill his secrets? 
Is it possible that I misinterpreted everything? I am also lost as to why this affair and it’s inevitable ending is affecting me so much more than my own husbands infidelity. I admit I was quite closed off emotionally during my marriage, my ex husband often referred to me as a “sociopath”, I had undergone so much trauma that I just didn’t feel anything, ever. In the last 16 months I’ve felt more than I can remember feeling since my suicide attempt in 2008. Maybe I just can’t handle these feelings, maybe it’s distorting my views on what’s happened. 
I’m feeling lost, and confused. I can’t tell if my views are that far off, or if I only feel that way because of the explosive nature of our interaction yesterday, or if it’s a mixture of both. He called me a psychopath, a liar, a manipulator and a slew of other names. Am I really those things? Or is he just saying this now to keep controlling the situation? And WHY do I still even care what he thinks?? 
I scheduled an emergency appointment with my therapist tomorrow, I had to take today off of work because I feel physically ill. I’m not sure seeing my therapist will even help, because she thinks everything I’ve done is justifiable based on past trauma. But, didn’t I know he was in a committed relationship? Didn’t I realize walking away would have been better than staying? Didn’t I try and fail to leave many times? Did I need to get so heavily involved that we were found out? Honestly, it was bad enough that we slept together the first time, but I keep thinking what is so fundamentally wrong with me that not only did I sleep with him, but I pursued a relationship as well? If I had been successful in walking away when I realized I had feelings for him, his life would largely be the same, I wouldn’t be an accomplice in the pain his partner felt and is still feeling, he could have gone on and kept doing what he was doing without the giant bomb dropped in his home. 
And there must be something terribly wrong with me if the only person I can feel this deeply about, is someone that would willing cheat and lie. 
I feel myself shutting down again, I’m almost thankful for it. I can’t cant handle feeling feelings I guess. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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jasmine

ABC, I’m so sorry you feel so awful right now. Reading your story, it’s obvious that your marriage was emotionally and sexually abusive. To be sexually violated by your own husband must have been awful. It’s rape, and until relatively recently it wasn’t a crime for a man to rape his wife like it is now in most civilised countries. Any kind of sexual abuse or violation is going to result in shock and trauma, and in many cases PTSD. All this is in addition to his verbal and emotional abuse, and his multiple infidelities, not to mention threatening you with a knife in front of your children. This was a very abusive relationship, no doubt about it.

I can understand how it felt to be thrown what probably felt like a lifeline by D, even though in the cold light of day you were only probably clutching at straws. He was offering you something, even if it was only a fantasy of feeling loved and wanted, and perhaps the dream of having the happy marriage your husband denied you. In reality, D wasn’t the man you wished he could be. He was just another man who was cheating on his wife. I can also understand the feeling of having the power to entice a married man away from his wife after your own husband betrayed you repeatedly. Your husband had a choice and he didn’t choose you over the chance to be unfaithful with several women. D had the choice and it was your chance to be the “chosen one”. Even if he was just another cheating husband, it must have felt powerful to be chosen as opposed to being rejected like you had been in your marriage. You might not have been doing the “right” thing, but after all you had been through I think you ought to show yourself some compassion. You needed to heal from your relationship but how could you possibly know what to do for the best after leaving a living nightmare. You were not in a good place when you left that marriage. 

My own way of dealing with emotional pain was by developing an eating disorder. It was on the EDNOS/OSFED spectrum, similar to anorexia in that my food intake was restricted but without the goal of weight loss, although it was inevitable. Every so often I would become so emotionally distressed by what had been going on in my marriage, so I would eat and then I would start becoming distressed about having eaten and would become disappointed with myself and tell myself I was harming my body through eating the “wrong” things. What happened next was that I’d be depressed about my eating — NOT the things that had been making me depressed BEFORE I ate. So I had effectively replaced my anxieties about my life with anxieties about food. Suddenly my brain was filled with thoughts of food and eating, not the real issues that I really couldn’t handle. In the same way, I’m wondering if your affair with D and the hope you had about him leaving his wife etc was one way of shifting all the distress and trauma of your marriage for something else that perhaps was less upsetting, less traumatic, even if less than perfect. A distraction from all you had to deal with. I wonder if that makes any sense to you.

We don’t all get it right. We don’t know how to handle difficult life events until they happen. We all make mistakes and errors of judgement, every one of us. Nobody is immune from being a fallible human being. That doesn’t make us bad people, or worthless, or failures, or whatever. Never forget that your husband was a very abusive man who tried to kill any self respect you once had for yourself. You had enough survival instinct to get yourself and your kids out of that situation. You might have been down but you were never out. That strength is in there. Give yourself the credit you deserve and the compassion that you need. You will emerge a stronger woman with her dignity still intact. Take care. 

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ABCOneTwoThree
Jasmine, thank you so much for sharing some insight into your own personal story. I understand what you mean about needing something else to control, something else to feel anxious about. 
I had a traumatic early childhood, and also developed issues with food as a teen as a result of it (I was denied food as a child and developed over eating problems in my adolescence). When I tried to manage that myself, I started self harming. When my first boyfriend cheated on me and left me, I tried to end my life because the release of self harm wasn’t doing anything anymore. 
In my mind, the fact that I wasn’t physically harming myself meant I had matured and moved past that. Maybe I just replaced physical harm with emotional harm. After all, I basically knowingly entered a relationship that there was no possible “happy ending” in. 
Formerly EasyAsABC 
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