AMT
Hi all,
I’m new to this forum and was hoping to get some clarity from hearing other people’s experiences to help me with what to do next. 
Quick background D-Day was 2 months ago. Long story short he went to see what a life would be like with AP and it blew up in his face big time. Ended pretty badly with her (surprise surprise she wasn’t who he thought she was) and now we’re in the situation of him telling me he wants to try and work on us. 
I know he is still in the affair fog because he is not really genuinely remorseful and his actions don’t reflect a willingness to heal my hurt. 
However, he has told me he is willing to go to counselling on his own and with me, willing to read all the articles I have sent him and he’s willing to be 100% open with me about passwords, Accts etc.  He has said that he is trying,  though he may not be trying in the way I need him to at the moment and can I please give him time to get there. I believe he is willing to put in the effort but he does not know how to show it in a way I feel is genuine. 
I’m hoping by hearing other people’s experiences in the initial stage of trying for reconciliation I can gain some clarity in how to manoeuvre through mine. 
I am prepared and willing to walk away from my WS if I wasn’t convinced of his genuineness to try and fix things, I’m just confused on whether I should let him blunder alone trying to work out what he needs to do and be there when/if he reaches that point or whether I should walk with him.
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anthropoidape
Two months would generally be too soon for any real clarity. So basically you can't say yet. Maybe he will begin to get it. Maybe he won't. Either is possible.

My general take, from where I am now, is that your default position should be a very strong "get out of my life". The damage from an affair is too great to be worth the effort of working through.

Only if there is a really powerful reason is it worth bothering with, no matter how hard he may end up working on it.

If you think it may be worth it, I suggest leaving the ball very much in his court. It is his job to fix things not yours. It's gracious enough of you to even give him a chance to try.
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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DorothyJane7
I only disagree with anthro about his statement that the damage is too great to be worth the effort of working through.

I would agree with that if the WS stays in a weird fog or "not sorry" position. The WS MUST work very hard and do the heavy lifting before you show up to help it much. 

Prayers for this pain you're going through. There is a way to the other side, I can tell you now from my own experience. It sucks. My marriage is very together and much, much stronger than in the recent years before my husband's affair. Being 18 months out is SOOOOOOOOOO much better place to be than the current spot you're in. It does get better.

Hang in there, which ever way it all goes.
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UrbanExplorer
It took me longer than that to clear my head and realize what I needed to do for my marriage and myself after I had an affair. If he is serious about therapy and total transparency, maybe you can give it a little time before you make your decision about divorce or reconciliation.

You know your marriage better than I do, but if there was some foundation present before his affair, it's possible you can overcome this. Most of the work is on him, obviously, and he should start with reading and therapy himself. I think couples counseling that aims at reconciliation can backfire if started too soon, but couples counseling to sort of talk through the trauma might help.
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AMT
Thanks for the replies, my H has said he is willing to read all the articles and books I asked him to. We are in different countries at the moment so I have decided to just let him be and focus on me and living my own life and not contacting him. I get too frustrated and upset when he doesn’t exhibit signs of remorse and wants to just make meaningless small talk instead of being open and honest about what he’s been doing to better himself or what he is feeling. He says that’s it’s too hard to talk openly and honestly over the phone and that we have to wait until he returns for the real work to happen. His AP lived in another country when they started their affair so most of their affair was over the phone! I find it hardest to understand how he was easily able to be so open with someone else but struggles so much to let me in? Is it the shame and guilt that’s stopping him or he just doesn’t care enough? 
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blythespirit
AMT wrote:
I find it hardest to understand how he was easily able to be so open with someone else but struggles so much to let me in? Is it the shame and guilt that’s stopping him or he just doesn’t care enough? 


More than likely he wasn’t open and honest with her at all, deceit and shadows being part and parcel of the whole affair package.  So try not to torture yourself by imagining it to have been any sort of meaningful or deep.  It wasn’t.  Better to focus, instead, on the positive connections you’re obviously making with him now.  He’s chosen you and is reaching out.  He cares.  You can’t control how he heals himself, but if you want to heal the marriage, you’ll need to extend faith and trust in his approach.  Let him move towards you in whatever way he wants.  But be open to what he offers, regardless of how small and insignificant those proffers seem to you in light of the enormous damage he’s wrought.  
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UrbanExplorer
It can be easier to reveal a side of ourselves to a person who doesn't have as much power to reject us or mete out consequences in the way a spouse does, but an affair relationship involves its own kind of deceit. The AP never gets the whole context or history, either.
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AMT
I told my H tonight that if he thought that what he was presently doing was making an effort then I wasn’t willing to accept it and we needed to part ways. He got pretty angry and nasty but I stayed calm and just repeated myself. I didn’t bother arguing with him and trying to make him see my point of view. I told him if he read all the articles I had sent him and still felt that what he was doing was right then that was fine, but if he read them and realised where he was going wrong he could contact me. Otherwise I wish that he finds peace in his life but we are over. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe it. It’s so hard doing the right thing versus doing what you want. What I want is to fix my marriage and rebuild it. But the right thing and the only thing I can do with him not being genuinely remorseful is to respect myself and walk away. It’s really hard to do because there is definitely a part of me that is willing to accept less than I deserve as long as I have him. It really breaks my heart again. I know this is the right decision for me but I could really use some support and encouragement to stay strong and true. 
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blythespirit
I think you’re doing the right thing by standing your ground, and by making it clear what you need to see from him.  Continue to stay calm and consistent, if you can.  It’s so difficult to be patient and exercise restraint within the firestorm of emotion that’s going on for each of you.  Just know that he is processing what he’s done, what you’re requiring, and what his chances of successful reconciliation with you are.  That’s a lot.  Giving him emotional space and letting there be silence will go a long way.  Let him think.  And while he does, you continue to move on with the things that are important to you.  When he reaches out respectfully and lovingly, which he will, be open to seeing and receiving it. But let him do the reaching.  And above all, if you don’t want a divorce, keep that discussion off the table.  When you want to scream at him that he doesn’t get it, which he doesn’t, and that you’re done, etc., don’t do it.  Keep your integrity intact and just end the conversation.  He is going to take a long time to start demonstrating remorse and behavior that seems acceptable to you.  Just like it took him a long time to get to the point that he was able to view his affair behavior as acceptable.  It’s really up to you whether you want to wait. But if that’s what you want, be clear that you’re making a decision to stay.  And that your needs are not going to be his priority right now.  I know that’s not the way fairness would dictate things work, but nothing about this process is fair.  It just is what it is.  Ugly and arduous.  
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Keepabuzz
AMT wrote:
I told my H tonight that if he thought that what he was presently doing was making an effort then I wasn’t willing to accept it and we needed to part ways. He got pretty angry and nasty but I stayed calm and just repeated myself. I didn’t bother arguing with him and trying to make him see my point of view. I told him if he read all the articles I had sent him and still felt that what he was doing was right then that was fine, but if he read them and realised where he was going wrong he could contact me. Otherwise I wish that he finds peace in his life but we are over. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t believe it. It’s so hard doing the right thing versus doing what you want. What I want is to fix my marriage and rebuild it. But the right thing and the only thing I can do with him not being genuinely remorseful is to respect myself and walk away. It’s really hard to do because there is definitely a part of me that is willing to accept less than I deserve as long as I have him. It really breaks my heart again. I know this is the right decision for me but I could really use some support and encouragement to stay strong and true. 


I certainly think you are doing the right thing. You are setting your expectations, and ensuring that he knows what they are, and that they are NOT negotiable.  I did something similar, my wife thought she was showing remorse. She was not. I told her she had better figure out how to, or I was out.  I let many things go, and “settled” in our marriage before her affair. I refuse to settle for anything less than great now. If my marriage isn’t great, then I will be great divorced. Now, to be clear it took a long time to get to great. BUT, it was constantly moving I that direction.

Do not settle for less than you want or deserve. He made this mess, he can clean it up, or move on.  Stick to your guns!
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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AMT
Keepabuzz wrote:


I let many things go, and “settled” in our marriage before her affair. I refuse to settle for anything less than great now. If my marriage isn’t great, then I will be great divorced. Now, to be clear it took a long time to get to great. BUT, it was constantly moving I that direction.

Do not settle for less than you want or deserve. He made this mess, he can clean it up, or move on.  Stick to your guns!





this is how I feel too. My H seems to think we’ll go back to where we were but I’m no longer willing to settle for anything but 100%. He doesn’t see that his behaviour is leaving me no choice but to say good bye. I will still be patient for a while longer and see if there is any chsnge
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AMT
I think you’re doing the right thing by standing your ground, and by making it clear what you need to see from him.  Continue to stay calm and consistent, if you can.  It’s so difficult to be patient and exercise restraint within the firestorm of emotion that’s going on for each of you.  Just know that he is processing what he’s done, what you’re requiring, and what his chances of successful reconciliation with you are.  That’s a lot.  Giving him emotional space and letting there be silence will go a long way.  Let him think.  And while he does, you continue to move on with the things that are important to you.  When he reaches out respectfully and lovingly, which he will, be open to seeing and receiving it. But let him do the reaching.  And above all, if you don’t want a divorce, keep that discussion off the table.  When you want to scream at him that he doesn’t get it, which he doesn’t, and that you’re done, etc., don’t do it.  Keep your integrity intact and just end the conversation.  He is going to take a long time to start demonstrating remorse and behavior that seems acceptable to you.  Just like it took him a long time to get to the point that he was able to view his affair behavior as acceptable.  It’s really up to you whether you want to wait. But if that’s what you want, be clear that you’re making a decision to stay.  And that your needs are not going to be his priority right now.  I know that’s not the way fairness would dictate things work, but nothing about this process is fair.  It just is what it is.  Ugly and arduous.  



Thank you for your very wise and sound advice. 
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