Its 1am and I'm crying into my pillow,alone. Eight months after dd, but just finding out that he's been having affairs since right after we were married over eighteen years ago. How could I be so stupid? How can I possibly ever take him back! He had to move out when he was caught,since it was with the neighbor going on under my nose for 1 1/2 years. So being apart for eight months but in constant contact. He won't go to counseling,has gotten more and more indifferent with each passing month. No compassion, wants to know when I will stop asking the same questions over and over again. Now we've decided on a no contact separation for a few weeks at a time,getting together every third week to try and connect. He's relieved, I'm devastated even though it was my idea. I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this,suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him. What about all those years,we grew up together only 20 when we met.... We were supposed to grow old together, I don't want to live a life without a partner,I feel at 44 there are few options for me out there. I'm truly breaking.
I wish I had more time to answer you but I have to leave for work shortly. I know you are in a lot of pain right now (and that word doesn't even do it justice) but I hope you know that on this forum there are so many of us who can relate to & understand what you are going through. I'm sure by the time I get home later today there will be several others who have written to you. Do your best today to take care of yourself & I'll be back in touch hopefully by tonight.