AHmember59
Its 1am and I'm crying into my pillow,alone. Eight months after dd, but just finding out that he's been having affairs since right after we were married over eighteen years ago. How could I be so stupid? How can I possibly ever take him back! He had to move out when he was caught,since it was with the neighbor going on under my nose for 1 1/2 years. So being apart for eight months but in constant contact. He won't go to counseling,has gotten more and more indifferent with each passing month. No compassion, wants to know when I will stop asking the same questions over and over again. Now we've decided on a no contact separation for a few weeks at a time,getting together every third week to try and connect. He's relieved, I'm devastated even though it was my idea. I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this,suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him. What about all those years,we grew up together only 20 when we met.... We were supposed to grow old together, I don't want to live a life without a partner,I feel at 44 there are few options for me out there. I'm truly breaking.
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TimeToFly
AHmember59 wrote:
Its 1am and I'm crying into my pillow,alone. Eight months after dd, but just finding out that he's been having affairs since right after we were married over eighteen years ago. How could I be so stupid? How can I possibly ever take him back! He had to move out when he was caught,since it was with the neighbor going on under my nose for 1 1/2 years. So being apart for eight months but in constant contact. He won't go to counseling,has gotten more and more indifferent with each passing month. No compassion, wants to know when I will stop asking the same questions over and over again. Now we've decided on a no contact separation for a few weeks at a time,getting together every third week to try and connect. He's relieved, I'm devastated even though it was my idea. I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this,suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him. What about all those years,we grew up together only 20 when we met.... We were supposed to grow old together, I don't want to live a life without a partner,I feel at 44 there are few options for me out there. I'm truly breaking.


I wish I had more time to answer you but I have to leave for work shortly. I know you are in a lot of pain right now (and that word doesn't even do it justice) but I hope you know that on this forum there are so many of us who can relate to & understand what you are going through. I'm sure by the time I get home later today there will be several others who have written to you. Do your best today to take care of yourself & I'll be back in touch hopefully by tonight.
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Shayla
AHmember59 wrote:
Its 1am and I'm crying into my pillow,alone. Eight months after dd, but just finding out that he's been having affairs since right after we were married over eighteen years ago. How could I be so stupid? How can I possibly ever take him back! He had to move out when he was caught,since it was with the neighbor going on under my nose for 1 1/2 years. So being apart for eight months but in constant contact. He won't go to counseling,has gotten more and more indifferent with each passing month. No compassion, wants to know when I will stop asking the same questions over and over again. Now we've decided on a no contact separation for a few weeks at a time,getting together every third week to try and connect. He's relieved, I'm devastated even though it was my idea. I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this,suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him. What about all those years,we grew up together only 20 when we met.... We were supposed to grow old together, I don't want to live a life without a partner,I feel at 44 there are few options for me out there. I'm truly breaking.



I'm going through something really similar right now. My husband and I have been together for 13 years, I just recently found out that he was cheating our whole marriage too. I know how devastating it feels. We are still in the same house and trying to work through everything but he is very emotional distant right now. I feel more alone than I ever have. I don't have any great words of wisdom to offer you but I do understand your feelings.
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TimT
AHmember59 wrote:
...I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this, suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him...

AH59, this Community will support you, but do you have family/friends who are supporting you right now? Have you looked for a support group in your area? Do you have a pastor or counselor that is helping you? You need some flesh-and-blood support right now.

From what you've written, it seems like you're doing the right thing. I know that doesn't make it any easier, but your passionate goal needs to shift towards getting to a healthy place, not saving your marriage. You will only be able to get back to a secure place in marriage if your husband wants the same thing and is willing to work on it, but I don't think you can expect this of him. 

Much I'd want to say to you in regard to the boundaries you need to put into place FOR YOUR OWN SAKE is written in the Winning Back... eBook and elsewhere in this forum. But all the helpful advice in the world isn't going to take away the pain and grief you're going through. That's why I want to know you have people close to you who will be your support through this.

There is hope for something different, something better. But the journey between here and there will take you through some dark places. Please know you're not alone.
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awaggoner1999
AHmember59 wrote:
Its 1am and I'm crying into my pillow,alone. Eight months after dd, but just finding out that he's been having affairs since right after we were married over eighteen years ago. How could I be so stupid? How can I possibly ever take him back! He had to move out when he was caught,since it was with the neighbor going on under my nose for 1 1/2 years. So being apart for eight months but in constant contact. He won't go to counseling,has gotten more and more indifferent with each passing month. No compassion, wants to know when I will stop asking the same questions over and over again. Now we've decided on a no contact separation for a few weeks at a time,getting together every third week to try and connect. He's relieved, I'm devastated even though it was my idea. I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this,suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him. What about all those years,we grew up together only 20 when we met.... We were supposed to grow old together, I don't want to live a life without a partner,I feel at 44 there are few options for me out there. I'm truly breaking.


Good morning and welcome...
I empathize with you 1000%. I found out the day after Christmas that my WS had a totally different life than the one I was living. He worked weekends all the time and that is not an exaggeration. Come to find out he had been having an affair with at least one person at work. Additionally, He had a very active life on the now scandalized Ashley Madison website...and I do mean active. In the 6 months of data I was able to retrieve, he had encountered at a minimum 50 women. And we just recently had our 16 wedding anniversary and we didn't even speak that day.

I took 6 months from D-Day and said I will do everything in my power to work on my marriage, so that I have no regrets should it not work. I went to counseling and still going. I was patient and kind with him ( which I was prior to his whirlwind of destruction). I kept my crying and angry outbursts to a minimum, as I wanted to show that I understood it was hard for him too. I worked out for stress relief and reconnected with my faith. But when 6 months came, and I had fought the best fight I could alone... I committed to letting him fight if he chose to and I packed up my junk- the stuff that made our house a home and moved out. Toughest thing I ever did. But the alternative of living with someone who messed up and wouldn't own it, who was not remorseful, who would not admit anything or provide insight on anything,  was wrenching my very soul apart. SO I live away from him and only contact him for business related matters - financial, kids, pets etc...I waste very little time thinking about him. 
However, my door is open if he chooses to move to do the things I need to feel safe around him and to commit to our marriage, but I wont wait forever, as I want to be happy and live a fulfilling life. but in all honesty, I am not optimistic about his turn around...I think he is way too far down the rabbit hole...and I just don't feel like chasing him.

I want to be healthy and happy and that can be with him or without him...but it will happen.
YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!!!You will just be different from it.
So be encouraged...and know that we are all here trying to work through this crazy mess.
And you know that you are far from alone.



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Anna26
AHmember59 wrote:
Its 1am and I'm crying into my pillow,alone. Eight months after dd, but just finding out that he's been having affairs since right after we were married over eighteen years ago. How could I be so stupid? How can I possibly ever take him back! He had to move out when he was caught,since it was with the neighbor going on under my nose for 1 1/2 years. So being apart for eight months but in constant contact. He won't go to counseling,has gotten more and more indifferent with each passing month. No compassion, wants to know when I will stop asking the same questions over and over again. Now we've decided on a no contact separation for a few weeks at a time,getting together every third week to try and connect. He's relieved, I'm devastated even though it was my idea. I couldn't stand talking with him every day and never hearing or getting what I needed from him to begin healing or forgiving. I don't know how Im going to make it thru this,suffering from depression and anxiety for years now. Now knowing it was the chipping away of my self esteem by my husband. Together a total of 23 yrs I don't know how to live anymore. I'm so desperate, I m scared that I know it is time to leave him. I'm unprepared I don't know how to be without him. What about all those years,we grew up together only 20 when we met.... We were supposed to grow old together, I don't want to live a life without a partner,I feel at 44 there are few options for me out there. I'm truly breaking.





Hi AH59,

I'm glad you posted here because it means at last you start getting the support you deserve.
So don't despair, as you no doubt already realise, there are many of us on here that are in a very similar position to you.  It feels good to share your thoughts and ask for advice, and there is so much insight given from both the viewpoint of the BS and the WS.
My own situation is that almost a year ago was my Dday, but I'd suspected before then, but had no firm 'proof'.  And my husband has been moved out for almost six months. He, like yours, won't go to counselling, and also doesn't feel the need to read anything or talk to any friends for support. More because he just doesn't 'do' that sort of thing than anything else. 

At the moment we are getting along, he just calls in now and again, but we don't talk about the affair, it's very much 'business as usual'.  But also like yours, he doesn't seem to have the commitment yet, or expressed any remorse, apart from a 'sorry' that I believe was more a 'sorry you found out'!   And this is the second time for me and I honestly can't think which would be worse, to have years in between two affairs when you had built up your trust once more, and then be devasted all over again, or to find out, like you have after so long, that this kind of thing has been going on more or less constantly.  I've not really had chance to ask much in the way of questions and I know he isn't going to like it either, but he has to understand why I need to know certain things.  For me it will help the healing begin properly and help to start regaining trust.  I think there is so much going on in the head of the WS when they are still in the 'affair fog'.  They really need to look deep within themselves and try and figure out what is going on with them, before they can even think about committing again to their spouse and marriage.  No amount of coaxing or pressurising will change this and anyway it has to be something that comes from them, something that they have realised for themselves. 
 
At the moment, my WS is still mostly fog bound, there have been little things, like when he has come over and suggested going for a walk, (which was quite a shock), but generally, we are at a bit of an impasse.  I think he still kind of hopes that his AP will change her mind about staying with her husband.  But until he decides to come home because he knows it is the right thing for him to do, and realises what he stands to lose, there is nothing I can do to persuade him otherwise.  And I wouldn't want to coerce him, as then I would feel he was only doing it out of a sense of duty. 
In some respects, yes, they do have a duty and loyalty to the spouse and family, but who wants to live a life bound together for those reasons only.

I know what you mean about feeling there are so few options available to you right now, I'm older than you, and I've felt this.  The old 'at my time of life' comment keeps coming out!  After a lot of years married, you think it will always be the same and then something like this happens and you think it will NEVER be the same.  And it won't, but it will be DIFFERENT and perhaps God willing, STRONGER than it was before.  That's all that any of us can hope for right now. 

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Crissie
I don't have any advice sorry. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, I understand your pain. To know that so many others like you are in the same situation as I; adds to the pain in my own heart.
Im slowly finding out, I think?, that it helps to talk about it with other betrayed spouses or even just someone who listens without judgement and hears what you are saying! If you haven't already~ *I retract the above statement on "not giving advice"* this would be the only advice I can think of cuz I've done everything wrong!~ please find someone to open up to, someone you feel safe to be the true you with, someone who'll empathise. You're going to need it!
I wish you an abundance of love and happiness, and send you positive healing vibes for your journey x
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AHmember59
It's me, "at the edge". Today marks one year from D day. Sigh. It's still not good, not bad either, just, nothing is recognizable... My AS told me it was over when i found out a year ago. I had kicked him out because the AP was the neighbor, there was no way he could stay living with me until the lease was up. Fast forward 9 months, one move and lots of heart ache, I discover he never broke ot off with the AP. All i had been going through, everything I was working toward to try and keep our marriage. I say 'i' because he wasn't trying anything to deal with the after math, he was just kind of hanging back waiting until it all went away. Anyway, that was in September, now, it really is supposedly over and he is all over me trying to win me back. .. But, I'm done, I've been lied to, manipulated, betrayed, humiliated, hurt beyond anything I thought I could ever feel. I don't want to end a 24 year relationship, but, I feel I will never believe anything he says ever. As for

Forgiveness, it's what I want, because I know it's the only way out of the emotional hell I go through daily. As of yet it has eluded me. It doesn't help that the AP and my AS, have continually told me completely opposite stories of the affair. I feel they are both lying, putting me in the middle, because they are mad at each other now. Apparently he lied to her as well...big surprise. Will I be able to go on if I divorce him? How will I ever get to forgiveness?
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surviving
AHmember 59 - if you ever find the answer to that (forgiveness) I would love to know.  We are 27 months from DDay and I still haven't forgiven him or reconciled.  We are in-home separated because neither one of us has enough money to do anything different.  He is working very hard to be a better man.  However, I have been cheated on for our whole 34+ years.  How do you forgive being cheated on, lied to, an angry tone, and demeaning responses for the whole 34+ years?  I haven't figured that one out yet.  It seems to me that he can do whatever he wants, screw whoever he wants (and there were many), and decide one day that he is done with mistreating me and it should be all over.  Well, it may be over for him, but it just started with me on DDay.  When do I get my 34+ years to do what I want?  Never!  Please let me know when you find out how to forgive, because I haven't figured it out yet.
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