I agree with Anthro. I am not saying that WS aren't going through something emotionally that causes them to act out. Otherwise, they'd have been cheating our whole lives - not for the first time 20+ years into it. BUT, they are sill cognizant of their choices - and they are CHOOSING what feels good to them.
Someone addicted to food knows it is making them fat - but the short term relief/enjoyment of getting to eat what they are craving is more important than their long term health. Same here. He MAY be in an emotional state - but he knows what he is doing is wrong for everyone involved - but he is too chickensh*t to do anything about it. And likely won't until someone forces his hand. He has been willing to hurt and humiliate you for TWO YEARS. Think about that. He's not even hiding it - he's flaunting it. He is willing to risk you children's happiness and well-being by flaunting his behavior. He is also setting them up to believe that this is an acceptable way to be treated by someone who says they "love" you. Unfortunately, you are as well as long as you are willing to put up with it. I know this is an unfair burden thrust upon you, but it is another crappy aspect of this situation. I reconciled with my husband. But I made it clear that I would move on asap if he wasn't sure what he wanted. Not to punish him, but to give myself what I deserved - a loving. loyal relationship. I know how hard this is. Believe me, finding the place in me that was ready and prepared to leave was HARD. I still loved my husband but I reminded myself that I LOVED ME TOO. And I wanted to model for my daughter that forgiveness and compassion are wonderful traits to embody - but not an excuse to allow yourself to be mistreated. I remember telling my husband, "I love you - and I likely always will to some degree. But the fires of love need to be nurtured to stay hot - and I can stop nurturing it today. I know I deserve a hell of a lot more than this and I plan on having the marriage I deserve - with or without you. So make sure you know what you want - because I REFUSE to compete for your love. Go no contact and work on this marriage - or I will take that as my cue to start entertaining my own options outside this relationship." My husband knew I was as good as my word. I'd already had a few guys offering to "be there for me" during this difficult time (super classy.) Before then he was a kid looking at two toys - a long term favorite - and a shiny new one. But now I was threatening to take away that good ole favorite - and suddenly the shiny new one looked less exciting or fulfilling. Obviously there was a lot more to the story - but it boiled down to a decision that he had to make. NOW. However - and I stress this - I MEANT EVERY WORD I SAID. I was surprised I was even giving him a chance and my pride was just about DONE with the situation. I was not prepared to sit around and watch him "decide". I was happy to decide FOR HIM. You need to start loving YOU, the way you've loved him. Extend yourself the love, compassion and understanding that he's been benefiting from. Ask yourself - if your daughter was in this situation (even after so many years of marriage) what would you tell her? What would you want for her? I am so sorry that your husband is spiraling in his self-made midlife crisis. But you need to protect YOU. A woman of your value has many other options. let him know you plan to start exercising them.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child DD May 2016 “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl