TimT
"Divorces are never easy, and can get messy. You should make every effort to avoid this unfortunate event, which occurs for 40 to 50 percent of U.S. marriages. But if you’re in an unhealthy relationship, it may be time for a change.

"Whatever reasons you have for filing for divorce, it is a decision that should be made independent of emotion. Divorce decisions should only be made after you weighed all your options and are prepared to fight for your assets and custody of your children.

"Every situation is different, but we’ve broken down the four essential questions you must ask yourself before proceeding with a divorce filing. As with any major life decision, a little thought and preparation can make a tremendous difference down the road..."

READ FULL ARTICLE >

Quote 0 0
TimeToFly
Today while reading an article one line really stood out..."divorce often causes more problems than it solves". I really believe that in a lot of cases this is probably true. 

I never wanted a divorce & worked hard to try & save my marriage. My divorce hasn't made my life any better or easier in any way. It continues to impact my life every day & not in a good way. It's not just the divorce that is so painful it's everything that follows that is equally difficult to deal with on a daily basis. Of course holidays don't help the situation but even without that in the picture things are still really tough. I'm definitely not seeing any "light at the end of the tunnel"....instead it remains pretty dark. 
Quote 0 0
Courage
http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermangregson1.cfm

This is a great article on whether you are ready for divorce. My husband and I sat down and went through this article together a few months after DDay and determined we were definitely not ready for divorce! fantastic article.
Quote 0 0
TimeToFly
Hopefully the article you mentioned will help others... sadly it's too late for my marriage.
Quote 0 0
Tapered
To Time to Fly or anyone in the forum:
How did anyone decide it was time to file for divorce?
Quote 0 0
TimT
ngochangco wrote:
To Time to Fly or anyone in the forum:
How did anyone decide it was time to file for divorce?

I've been watching to see if anyone who has been through it would respond to this. From a counselor's perspective, I witness betrayed spouses struggle with this question constantly. There is no formula for figuring out the exact right time. The 2 articles linked to in comments above give some helpful insight into the kinds of questions worth considering.

But in the end, I think it comes down to finally believing that NO is the answer to any of the following questions:
  • Is there something worth returning to: a history of love and faithfulness in our marriage? If there has been no real period of healthy relationship, it is unlikely you will be able to experience it after an affair.
  • Does my spouse demonstrate a single-minded desire to love me and rebuild our marriage? If not (for example: they expect you to "just get over it" or put the responsibility for healing on you or remain uncertain about what they really want), you will not be able to return to intimacy and trust. Maybe you'll stay in the marriage for convenience sake, but it will not be the connection you long for.
  • Can I recover from the broken love or trust? Affairs can do that. For some, even time will not heal the wound. I encourage betrayed spouses to allow at least 6-12 months before making this decision (because it almost always feels impossible to heal at the start), but if the relationship foundation has been cracked beyond repair you may need to move out.
  • Does remaining in my marriage allow me to grow into a healthy person? To tell a good story with my life? 
Quote 0 0
Tapered
Mr. Tim T.
Thank you for replying. My Dday was in early March of this year, but I believe the A has been going on since last year, sometime during the late summer of 2014. My initial response was anger, crying, and begging for a long time. My husband and his AP does not seem to understand that they have cross the lines/boundaries. As i have said before, my H has stood up for her and continues to communicate with her without a doubt. i have asked  him to show me our phone bills and his secret phone bills and he refuses to do so. He remains distant physically and emotionally. He has told me that if his best friend(the AP) was not a female, I would not mind. I have started the 180 a few weeks ago, but I have not seen any change in my husband. I have told him in the past if he is unhappy to file for divorce. I know that what i am going through is what most BS are going through. 
I have read your article on divorce, but remain unsure when the right time would be to divorce or if he is still in a fog after all this time and I should give this relationship more time. 

Quote 0 0
TimT
ngochangco wrote:
...I have read your article on divorce, but remain unsure when the right time would be to divorce or if he is still in a fog after all this time and I should give this relationship more time. 

Whatever time you decide to allow him is a choice of grace. Nobody can really tell you how much of that you should give. As long as your decision to wait isn't just a fearful one (afraid to be alone, afraid to face divorce, etc.), then you can offer as much grace as you are comfortable giving. But you should know that it is a choice of sacrifice because he is not able/willing to give you what you need for security and intimacy right now. Will he get there? I don't know. A history of a well-established pattern makes it less likely that change will happen because CHANGE IS HARD. But it is possible. If he gets to the point of being serious about change, I think you'll know the difference. If it feels just like the "changes" in the past, then you know what to expect ahead. Make your decision accordingly.
Quote 1 0