TimT Show full post »
Kalmarjan
Ah, guiltguilt, I am much the same way.

I am learning though.. It's not black and white, on or off... It not THIS OR THAT, it can be this and that.

Guilt is great. It gets you to the point where you can look at yourself to make the change.

But then guilt needs to be put to pasture. You gotta let it go. You're right, no one cares. That's because they have their problems and realities to keep them occupied, right? But, that doesn't matter, because YOU get to write your story.

You're on the right track. Look, you messed up, huge. Made a stupid mistake, thought you were in love so you had to follow your heart.

But, you woke up. This is not the reality. So, now it's time to work on yourself. You got to forgive yourself. That one is the hardest. I know first hand.

But you can do the most important thing of all afterwards...

Change that mindset to item X AND item Y. It's possible, you just need to work on it. For example with your business and your daughter...

I am in the same boat. But guess what, you don't have to choose you can have both. It's harder, but it can be done. It just requires a mindset change. Good news... You're already fixing yourself, so nows a great chance to enact that change..

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flight
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Flight, thanks for giving me your insight, I know I come across angry but for you or anyone else, yall need to understand it is not directed toward you, maybe at the act you did, but not you personally. How can a BS not be angry? I don't get it...


We know you aren't mad at us [smile] And it is normal to feel anger. The experts say that is a secondary emotion and we heal from finding the fear/hurt underneath that. Especially when dealing with a WS, they don't respond to anger. Learning how to be calm is our best way to remain in control and have any hope of saving the marriage if that is our goal.

What I learned pretty recently is that forgiveness is not for them, it is for you. Get through your anger, you feel what you need to feel. I have just found that as soon as you can get past that and be in a place of forgiveness, it rids you of all those dark feelings that are eating away inside you. You don't have to condone or agree with anything, just forgive it to have peace in yourself with it. You don't have to even tell them you are forgiving them. As a matter of fact, that can backfire. You just let go of it yourself regardless of what you plan for the marriage is. Anger is a powerful emotion and will blind you to making the right choice more often than not.
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