AngieB
I have read Tim's article on Winning Back your Wayward Spouse and have written a "letting go" letter to my husband.  I have not given it to him yet.  I'm wondering if it will still have any effect on him in our situation.  I get the feeling he never thinks about me or the kids.  I feel like he is only wrapped up in his AP.  He's very cold and distant when we talk, acting very aloof and almost superior - all of which is grossly out of character for him.  He is textbook "affair fog" right now. 

Some quick background: I found out about my husband's emotional affair exactly 3 weeks ago.  He has sworn to me multiple times they have not had sex.  The affair only began 3-4 WEEKS prior to my discovery (I found the texts on his phone).  So - just to recap - the affair's duration is about 7-8 weeks, though he says they have been friends for a few months before that.  He went to his family for a week to "figure things out" but continued to contact her while there.  He called within days of arriving to say he can't let go of her and doesn't want to be married anymore.  When he returned, he had made no arrangements to stay elsewhere, though I told him he couldn't come back home if he insisted on carrying on the relationship with her.  Now he is living with friends. 

His AP is also married with children (12 & 15).  She still lives at home with her husband, who is done with their marriage as this is her third affair - all of which have been with married men. 


My WS and I have two boys (4 & 7).  We met two weeks ago to discuss him visiting our boys but the conversation diverted to relationship issues.  At that time he reiterated that he did not want to reconcile.  He says he loves her and wants to be with her.  My question is - will giving him the "letting go" letter make any difference if he feels this way.  I feel like he will just say "good riddance!" 

Or, am I underestimating this and perhaps he is feeling conflicted but can't/won't admit it?  He still wears his wedding ring - is there any significance to this? 

My strong sense is that, since his affair had only been happening for such a short time when I discovered it, he had no time to plan or think about anything.  I feel like he is trying to figure things out day to day. 

I guess I'm just wondering if the "letting go" letter is still even worth giving him in my circumstance since coming back to me (according to what he tells me) is not something he wants anyway.

Thoughts??  I'd also be interested to hear from other WS to know if I should believe him when he says he doesn't want to be married and doesn't love me - or is he possibly conflicted? 

I'm so grateful for any feedback you can offer.
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sunflower07
I think you should try to think about yourself here. If you think the letter will make YOU feel better, than give it to him. The letter is really about you and setting a boundary.

It is SO hard at the point you are at. I was there. My husband didn't leave our house but he carried on his affair with his AP for 4 months after DDay. He also told me that he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore.

I read a lot during those four months and I spent all of my energy trying to save my marriage. It wasn't until I shifted my efforts to myself that the dynamic changed. If you think you can stick to the boundaries of the letter, I would give it to him.

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UrbanExplorer
I think it could help. It seems counterintuitive, but the more my husband pushed me to fix the marriage, the more I wanted to leave. When he gave me space to sort through what had happened, I could start to see more clearly. Also, if it makes you feel healthier, that's a great thing.
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ConfusedInLimbo
I only came across Tims letting go letter like three weeks ago. It's been 9 months since D-day and for me it couldn't have been a better time. I had done all that I could to save my marriage. In this 9 months there was a false reunion that lasted two weeks because my WS would always ask why im quiet if i was or refuse to engage me if the "talk" came up. He eventually left again and he is now living somewhere which I suspect is with the AP.
Anyway, I had tried for 9 months to work on things and naturally I felt it was time to now focus on myself and what makes me healthy and healthy if we work or not. I think 3 weeks is a bit too soon to give him the letter because your emotions are still so raw. The likelihood of you following through might not be too great in turn giving him the idea that you are not serious. I'd say give it time until you really feel that you can live with it and that you are strong enough to follow through. I am on week two and it's still difficult but I am determined because I can say I have tried.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Also AngieB if you are doing it to get an immediate reaction and not really mean it, you might hurt yourself even worse.
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TimT
AngieB wrote:
I have read Tim's article on Winning Back your Wayward Spouse and have written a "letting go" letter to my husband.  I have not given it to him yet.  I'm wondering if it will still have any effect on him in our situation.  I get the feeling he never thinks about me or the kids.  I feel like he is only wrapped up in his AP.  He's very cold and distant when we talk, acting very aloof and almost superior - all of which is grossly out of character for him.  He is textbook "affair fog" right now...
The point of the letter is to establish an honest boundary. If he is give over to his affair right now, it likely will NOT evoke an immediate response. In fact, he may even feel a bit of relief. But it is important that if you do this you remain relationally disconnected from him until things really do change.

And the truth is, they might not change. Perhaps he really has made a decision to leave the marriage. I don't know your situation, so I can't say for sure. What I DO know is that nearly every wayward spouse at this stage is confident in their intent to move out of the marriage, but most do not stick with that decision in the long run.

The space you create between you allows him to process his choices in a different way, but you need to do this for your sake, not his. I wish you well.
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AwesomeFox
Hello AngieB

You are so right to be doing Tim's process mainly because it makes YOU feel so much more in control of the situation. 

I'm 2 months from DD and my husband is 3 months into what he considers to be an 'emotional affair' but what I strongly suspect is a sexual affair with a woman who is 17 years his junior (32), with 3 kids (by 2 different fathers) and who was 3 months into a marriage with her 2nd husband (not the father of the children) when the relationship started. My husband and I went to the wedding (doh!). I'd say she sounds really classy eh?

I spent the first few days crying my eyes out and then the following 5 weeks or so trying to remain very calm (and usually succeeding) in the face of anger, dramatics, hostility and impatience - but I carried on arguing and defending myself in these situations and, whilst I was calm, it wound up my husband enormously (which, obviously, was all my fault!).

This was getting us no-where and about 3 weeks ago I decided to not engage in any 'poking the hornets nest' activities or conversation at all. I gave my husband a little speech about the fact that I understood his feeling, that I don't blame him for the way he's acting (that's a lie right there!), and I accept he has things to work through and I will give him as much space and time as he needs to sort out his head/life. I also promised to stop trying to get the OW's husband to stop her seeing my husband (another story - very odd behaviour from the other husband) or 'belittling his feelings for the OW' or giving my opinions on their relationship in any way.....guff, guff guff.......

The result was an almost immediate calming down of hostilities. Given how fraught it was before - this was like a breath of fresh air. I also made a HUGE effort to keep busy, have an active social life, keep fit and look gorgeous at every possible moment (the last item requires the biggest effort of course hahahaha).

I do slip up from time to time (believe me I'm no superwoman!), and only yesterday I lost it slightly over something he said and ended up telling him a few home truths that I'd have done well to keep to myself. Nonetheless, my calmness, business-like attitude and refusal to be sucked into his activities has meant I feel less anxious and much more in control - with the plus point that I'm having a great time. Everyone is commenting on how great I look (yes I AM fabulous!!!).

I doubt at this early stage whether it has any effect at all on my husband's Affair Fog - although he did say to me yesterday that he didn't recognise who I am any more and I'm not like I was before. Even though he made that sound like he considered it to be a bad thing I am choosing to continue because it makes me feel empowered and that's NEVER a bad thing.

My husband and I have lived and worked together for the past 15 years i.e. we spent a lot of time together - so the fact he remains cold, distant and unsmiling, and barely wants a conversation with me - means that I am missing his company dreadfully. However, I'm thinking of the long game here and so must you!

You go girl - and be strong!
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Ataloss
AngieB, I gave this letter that you speak of to my husband last night. I have had no response to it at all. Not sure if it's s good thing or not and at a loss as to what to do now, but will continue to work it out for myself and boys until I get some response.
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Ataloss
Ataloss wrote:
AngieB, I gave this letter that you speak of to my husband last night. I have had no response to it at all. Not sure if it's s good thing or not and at a loss as to what to do now, but will continue to work it out for myself and boys until I get some response.


My husbands response has been a meek agree and confirm that we are taking "separation" period (without actually changing any of lives routines etc.). So I have busied myself manically yet without disrupting kids too much. I am civil and we only discuss everyday things..... Where to from here
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