Ajay
Hi,

just looking to to see if there is anyone with experience of this on separation.

Husband moved out to live on his own a month ago, would not finish seeing affair partner who does not live in this country anyway. Affair about 9 months.

He acted completely out of character, hasn’t done anything like this before and showed absolutely no signs of being unhappy before embarking on the affair which started suddenly rather than being someone he worked with or knew over a period of time.

Anyway, I felt totally disrespected by him continuing to visit her while we lived together so he moved out although he still helps me pay for our mortgage while he “works out how he feels”. We meet up occasionally but I don’t press him to talk about the situation and still enjoy his company. I do my own thing am keeping up with friends and have started new hobbies as well as trying to keep focused on making my own life rather than focusing on what he is doing. I sense that something just doesn’t ring true about the whole situation - the suddenness, saying he was unhappy (not expressing it at the time. He has been obsessed with the way he looks for the past 18 months, and went on and on about his diet and exercise regime. I encouraged him to look after himself, he looked great. 

The thing is is that he has just stopped being in regular contact, I hardly hear from him for up to 10 days sometimes. We agreed several things before he moved out and being in contact at least once a week was one of them while he sorted his thoughts out.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Do partners go to ground for a while at the beginning of a temporary separation? From things I have read on many sites the advice seems to be that it would be counter productive to try to initiate contact with him at these times (so frustrating). I can’t help feeling that I’ve made a massive mistake in stepping away from what is happening and letting him just get on with it. I suppose I have felt better being on my own in some ways but probably struggling at the moment 🙄
Quote 0 0
TimT
I definitely agree with putting up firm boundaries in a relationship with a spouse/partner who is pursuing a relationship with someone else. I would have encouraged you to have no contact with him (letting that be YOUR choice, not his) except for "business of life" matters that require cooperation between the two of you. He's been able to make whatever choices he wants with the knowledge that probably either one of you (his spouse, his affair partner) is willing to be with him.

I write a lot about this in chapters 3 & 4 of my book, but there's also a summary article here: The Right Response to a Wayward Spouse.
Quote 2 0
Ajay
Thank you Tim, it feels very counter intuitive as I’m sure a lot of people feel. Thank you for the links to the summary from your book, that is very helpful and I probably need to hold my nerve and get on with my life. 
Quote 0 0
ksjcody
Ajay, I’m in a similar circumstance. My husband of almost 20 years started an emotional affair with a coworker. Luckily she had some morals and wouldn’t take it further despite him wanting to. For the last two + years he had become gym and health obsessed. After a longwhile of feeling like he was constantly angry I convinced him to start seeing a counselor whom he has been seeing for about two years. My husband too has moved out. I honestly feel this is a midlife crisis and depression combination as he also has some medical issues in play here that could very likely contribute to his mood(a tumor on his pituitary). Looking back now I think the signs or depression were there: anger, insomnia, anxiety, now weight loss) Unfortunately he so far refuses to see his doctor about antidepressants. I commend you for giving your husband the space. I really struggle with that. To me the situation seems so obvious, but he won’t listen to anyone. I compare it to the alcoholic. There is nothing I can do until he admits there is a problem. I also commend you for taking this time for you. I am trying to do that and am so grateful to my friends, family and counselor! My biggest struggle is this feeling of limbo. He won’t work on us cause he “needs to figure out what makes him happy”, but he won’t say he wants a divorce either. My choices are wait this out in hopes he gets the help he needs or file for divorce. My heart is not ready to do that but waiting is tearing me apart. In time I’m certain something will change, just not sure which direction that will be. I’m trying to prepare myself for all possibilities. I wish you the best! And know you are not alone in this!
Krista
Quote 0 0
Ajay
Thanks Krista, sorry that you are going through this too and it is so clear how much you care about him. It's a fine balance between looking after yourself, caring and stepping away isn't it. Interesting that you mention the anger, it's something I noticed about my husband too and when I just get on with doing my own thing, being busy and remaining kind but not chasing he seems to drop the anger. 

I'm ready for moving on but can live in the moment just now it has been a good marriage which is why I'm reluctant to walk away just yet. A great therapist has helped me focus on creating my own life, he also challenged me to try to accept that sometimes things just change - it's hard but good to hear from others on this forum.
Quote 0 0