Trinity
I wanted to share in hopes you will share too anything that has been helpful in your healing process.  

A friend said this to me recently.. "A person is not the summation of the worst thing that they have done".

It really made me stop and think and changed my perspective.  

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
Quote 2 0
Jennifer
Thanks for sharing that Trinity. This is something I tell clients in my office all the time. I say this to both the WS and BS. You are not defined by your mistakes nor are you defined by the worst thing that has happened to you. An affair becomes a chapter in the story of your relationship but it does not have to be the whole story. The choice is up to each individual how long the chapter is and what the recovery story looks like. 

I would hate to be categorized by my mistakes especially if I did what I could to learn and grow from them. People are rarely all good or all bad. We all have the capacity to hurt others and we have the capacity to be compassionate and empathetic all in the same breath.
Quote 4 0
Lookingahead
Containment...this is something we failed to do early on, but when we finally did it around the 10 or 11 month mark it made a significant difference. I would ask for 15 minutes to say what I wanted, ask questions and just generally share how I was feeling. My husband knew it was coming, was not blindsided or defensive. It really helped with our communication. I felt heard and he did feel like he was walking through constant mine fields waiting for me to explode. 
Quote 1 0
notemanj
Has anyone tried “exposure therapy” for dealing with some triggers? My WH took his AP to a few specific places that just make me crazy when I think about it. I have made him take me to a bar and a restaurant that he took her to. I want him to take me there more than he took her. My feeling is that I will get to take these places back from her. It is really too early to tell you if going to those places helped or not. And he took her to the hotel he chose for OUR wedding night. I want that hotel to belong to me again. Not to them. But I am not sure if that is just too much for me to handle.

 I am still having a very hard time saying that my first marriage is dead. How do I ever remember my wedding day without her being in the picture for the rest of my life?
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
Quote 0 0
seventy7
notemanj wrote:
Has anyone tried “exposure therapy” for dealing with some triggers? My WH took his AP to a few specific places that just make me crazy when I think about it. I have made him take me to a bar and a restaurant that he took her to. I want him to take me there more than he took her. My feeling is that I will get to take these places back from her. It is really too early to tell you if going to those places helped or not. And he took her to the hotel he chose for OUR wedding night. I want that hotel to belong to me again. Not to them. But I am not sure if that is just too much for me to handle.

 I am still having a very hard time saying that my first marriage is dead. How do I ever remember my wedding day without her being in the picture for the rest of my life?


Wow! This is very similar to how I felt about my WW. Most of the affair happened out of state, but there were some places, locally, that they went to lunch together for the few times that he traveled here. One of those places is (was) a favorite restaurant of ours. I immediately told my WW that I wanted to go back to there, like we always have, and "reclaim" my territory. The first time that we went, I felt ok and didn't really feel that awkward. We went back a couple of weeks later and the proverbial wheels came off the bus. I couldn't stop thinking, 'this is great for me, I am marking my territory and writing over bad memories with good'...but that was just my thoughts. What was she thinking? Was she thinking about him when we were there? Was she thinking about the great lunches they had, or specific conversations they had? I couldn't handle it, and we haven't been back since. I do think that, with time, we will eventually go back but, I am not really sure that I want to. I want to create UNIQUE experiences with my WW. Things that only her and I have experienced together, and she tells me that she feels the same way. 

However, on a different note, I do hate the fact that I lost something I enjoyed because of this. That is something that I have trouble reasoning with in my head. Not only did they cheat, but they also cost me my sanity when it comes to eating or visiting certain places. 

Good luck to you in this ugly journey. Sunday is 8 months since my D-Day, and I can tell you it is getting easier. 
Male BS
D-Day 11/1/2017
It gets easier as time goes, but the pain never goes away
Quote 2 0
UrbanExplorer
As a former WS, I truly hate going back to places I went with AP. I tainted them for myself as well as for my BS. If he wanted to go there and try to reclaim them because he thought it was helpful in his process, I'd obviously participate in support of him, but I would be attempting to stay out of a shame spiral the whole time. 
Quote 2 0
notemanj
As a former WS, I truly hate going back to places I went with AP. I tainted them for myself as well as for my BS. If he wanted to go there and try to reclaim them because he thought it was helpful in his process, I'd obviously participate in support of him, but I would be attempting to stay out of a shame spiral the whole time. 


Thank you for your opinion on this. I appreciate hearing it. My WH wouldn’t be able to say that. But I am sure he feels it to some extent. The bars are basically irrelevant. The restaurant pisses me off because it was so expensive, but not anyplace that meant anything to me. The hotel though, that one takes away a very special memory from me. It’s one I can never replace. And I just don’t know how else to reclaim that as mine. Any suggestions as a woman?
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
Quote 0 0
Kaff
Are you still with him
no matter what he did at the hotrl
nothing can take away that he MARRIED YOU
he made you and him as one
he broke his promise
but  I bet he felt the joy on his wedding night
wjen he took her thete
he may have been in fog
may have been trying to do anything to feel what joy he had experienced with you
He probably felt shame, regret and disgust at his lies and deceit
you lived that joy
still claim that time and place as your oen
becausr it wad
the pollution of the affair cannot take what u lived away
Quote 1 0
notemanj
We are still together. We are working on recovery. That is why I feel like I have to reclaim that place as ours. I have to take it back from her. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
Quote 0 0
HangingOn
Interesting thought.  Does this idea end though.  I dislike so many of our interests because they shared them too, even if in conversation.  Vehicles used in the affair, roads driven, hotels visited, restaurants, phones, texting, music, photo sharing...how do you claim it?
Quote 0 0
notemanj
I posted that almost a year ago. And so much has happened since then. Including him telling me a month ago that he took her to my safe place. A camper that my mom owns. I always went camping with my grandma as a child and he knew when he took her there (he still says they didn’t have sex there, but he took her while he was working on something and let her in to see the camper). I don’t know if I can ever reclaim that. At least that’s how it feels now. 

I don’t know how far along you are, Hanging, but I’m guessing not far. 

A year later, I don’t know if I reclaimed those things at all. I do know that we started doing different things. And that helped. We tried to go on one date a month and took turns finding something we’ve never done before. 

You are going to have to grieve the death of your marriage. You are going to have to grieve the loss of some of the things you used to do. And some of those things, you will be able to be less and less hurt by as time goes on. You may find new ways to keep some. 

At the time I wrote that, what I meant was to go to this bar or that place and have a new experience of our own. Never worked out well. 

I have used EMDR to help process things. What has always helped the most, was on the occasions that my H answered my questions completely honestly (and that was rare) and we could have an honest talk about what he did and how it hurt me. The pain didn’t go away immediately about whatever topic. But it certainly moved the pain along faster than when I could still tell he was lying. 
Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
Quote 0 0
Keepabuzz
I watched this video today, and really struck a chord for me. I hope it does for others here. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 4 0
ThrivenotSurvive
Excellent video and something I needed to hear a LOT in those early years.  I still have to give myself permission to not be 100% when I have a bad day/time now.  It may be rare - but it still happens and reminding myself that it okay to not be 100% over it helps it pass much quicker.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 2 0
HangingOn
Quote “I don’t know how far along you are, Hanging, but I’m guessing not far.”  We’ll i refuse to track Ddays so I don’t know for sure but I’m well into 2 years.  I’m afraid I’m stuck hard.
Quote 0 0
hurting
I too greatly dislike certain associations that my WS created with his stupidity. But though I dislike them, (names, places, hotels, music etc as you said), I find myself less affected as time goes on. I doubt I will ever LIKE those things again, but I hope one day to treat these triggers with complete indifference. 

Something that i have found is helpful is for my WS to acknowledge these triggers. If they come up when he is around, him either trying to redirect us to avoid them or checking in quickly to see how I’m coping has been helpful in minimising them. 

Otherwise, I just accept that we are making new memories and sharing new experiences. We are finding new interests and things to do I guess. I have little interest in doing anything that will upset me and remind me of what he did. It sucks that that is an issue at all and I shouldn’t have HAD to lose any of it. But I can’t change that fact.

hangingon, I actually think it’s great that you can not be stuck on dates. I wish I could just forget them. I’m actively trying to do so.
Quote 1 0