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Heidi
UrbanExplorer wrote:
I fear I have set up my oldest for a similar path because he displays some of the same signs of core shame and enmeshment that I have. I tried very hard not to pass that on, but I think he sensed my unhappiness and disconnection over the years and took ownership of it. I don't think my affair was about my marriage, exactly, but about never being someone with a firm sense of self who was able to identify and voice my needs and boundaries. I don't think religion or a modeled "happy" marriage would have saved me from this path. After all, my parents have been married for 48 years.


I have to admit I'm not really sure what core shame is. I tried googling it but none of the results were much help. However, I do think that being aware of our issues is a huge step toward dealing with them, and if your son has these same things, your support (where you at the same age had none) then that has to be a good thing.

One of my biggest worries as a parent is that I'm messing my children up, exacerbated I think by what my husband has learned about himself through therapy. When I said that to my counsellor she told me that all parents mess their children up, so I guess at least I'm not alone!

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Negarcia
UrbanExplorer wrote:
I fear I have set up my oldest for a similar path because he displays some of the same signs of core shame and enmeshment that I have. I tried very hard not to pass that on, but I think he sensed my unhappiness and disconnection over the years and took ownership of it. I don't think my affair was about my marriage, exactly, but about never being someone with a firm sense of self who was able to identify and voice my needs and boundaries. I don't think religion or a modeled "happy" marriage would have saved me from this path. After all, my parents have been married for 48 years.


Urban you remind me of my husband a bit, I really deep down inside think his affairs had to do with his inner feelings of himself. He really focuses on how people leave him and don't really care about or appreciate him. Although a huge difference is that his parents were divorced and his mom was a serial cheater during the marriage and she ended up passing away of alcoholism and depression. I don't want him to go down that path but he is the only one who can figure that out.
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Heidi
Ilreckon, my husband got a chance right away, but he kept mucking it up. He trickle truthed for six months, didn't move jobs until 8 months later, and generally caused me intense trauma until he pulled his head out of his behind. If your wife does turn back to you, hopefully these months have given you a chance to start working on yourself, the reasons you did what you did, and how you will be a safe husband in the future, so that you don't mess things up the way my H did in the beginning.

Why did I put up with all that? I've no idea. I'm glad we are where we are now, but the trauma has been hard to get over. It's taken a long time for me to even begin to trust my husband again. Not just that he won't cheat again, but that in times of crisis he won't act the same selfish way.

This is a long journey for all of us, WS and BS alike. And though no two journeys are the same, I'm so glad this place exists to give us all support and hope.
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UrbanExplorer
Heidi wrote:


One of my biggest worries as a parent is that I'm messing my children up, exacerbated I think by what my husband has learned about himself through therapy. When I said that to my counsellor she told me that all parents mess their children up, so I guess at least I'm not alone!



So true! I am coming to accept I will never get a response more satisfying than, "We did the best we could," from my parents, so I have to break out of childhood thought and communication patterns regardless. There were several generations of alcoholics in my mother's family, and I think that sort of dysfunction trickles down because everyone in the family is too close to realize it isn't normal. I find myself working with my oldest using some of the therapy concepts that apply to me as well.
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Valntine66
Heidi,

I am truly glad that you and your H worked and reconciled.  I had my session with my Pastor, shortly after an emotional explosion with my BS and myself.  I just need to learn to be patient.  But you did open up a new concept i have not thought about, I don't mess things up.  Last night I messed things up.  But, how will she trust me so that when trauma arises, will i respond the right way to her and not like I did in the past which messed things up.  So, I am just going to have to wait.

My pastor gave me an illustration that helped me see some light to this.  He compared our unique relationship to a horse trainer training a wild horse: it takes time and knowing how to win that wild horse.  It will take time and learnign how to win my wife back and working on me.

This place is an encouragement, but i too have to be careful because i compare the success stores here to why can't my R be like that.  We are a unique couple in our circumstances and comparison to someone else is not wise, 2 Corinthians 10:12 "For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise."  I learned that this morning by my pastor.
Val
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