ConfusedInLimbo Show full post »
Fionarob
Confusedinlimbo - I don't think you are wrong in putting up this boundary.  You have the right to step back until your husband has cut all contact with the AP, that really isn't much to ask. 

If he tires of you having this boundary up then I would question how much he is genuinely committed to the marriage.  If he really wanted to fix things and to work it out with you, then it shouldn't tire him at all. He should recognise you have to do it - and it is his choice to stay in contact with the AP.

He says he needs to "get rid of the connection that's still there".  I think there is only one way - NO CONTACT!!  While there is contact, there will always be a connection.  I might be wrong, but if he is trying to wean himself off the AP gradually, so that it's less painful, I am not sure that will ever work.  He will have to go through the pain.  I think this is what my husband tried to avoid.  He couldn't stand the pain of no contact and he also couldn't stand to hurt the AP in the same way.  So minimal contact was kept, and the result was the connection never went, and the affair just went on, and on and on.

If he really, genuinely wants to get rid of the connection then he has to realise no contact is the only way, and the connection will gradually diminish.  But I do believe it can take a long time, especially when strong feelings of love are involved.  He will have to tough it out basically!  But how do you get him to do that or come to that realisation - I don't have the answer to that.  If I did then I might have been able to help my husband let his AP go.  He couldn't do it, so I let him go instead.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Thank you ladies for all your advice.

It is so hard to keep up boundaries. Last night when he left I broke down and cried. The trigger was one of the boundaries is i wont go out with him and the kids. When they left for the outing i felt so weak and wondered why he didnt ask me to come , i also want to feel wanted [frown] i havent felt wanted in a while.

They came back and we had supper then it was time for him to leave. He asked if there was anything i needed to speak about , i couldnt hold back my tears but i was behind the door when i was trying to gain composure , he left (he thought i had walked away). When i realized he left i called him because I wanted to speak with him and not bottle up. He turned around and came back. He still won't come near me to comfort me even when I'm really sad.I haven't broken down in front of him for months. I won't even beat myself up about it , I am human after all, whose heart has been to war for almost a year. We spoke, it felt a bit better, he is at least at a point where we can talk.

Today he accompanied me to a meeting that was quite far from our home and he brought me back. It was nice that he was there for me. But then he left again. I'm here longing to text him but I have to keep the boundaries up . He even mentioned that he didn't ask me to the outing although he really wanted me to come because he is respecting what I had asked, but at the same time I want him to show me he wants me and he thinks of me....

Not having a good day and just plain tired of this rollercoaster. This hurts too much and it's exhausting. I'm not making it today .....
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Anna26
Oh bless you Confused you sound really quite down at the moment and I'm not surprised.  I went through a couple of days like this last week, and I think it's something we all do at times because it's so difficult staying strong and sticking to those boundaries. 

Sometimes, I could really do with a hug (and not just the dreaded one armed variety, which is all I used to get), but feel that I can't allow him near me. I don't think he would really respond properly anyway, but I really miss his touch.  He's not a really tactile person anyway, but I am, so it's hard.

But it's almost as if  letting them near you is saying things are okay, which they are clearly not (yet).  My husband goes off on his own walking, and I would love to go but feel that things might just be so awkward, even after all this time.  It just seems so false to be carrying on almost as normal.  Yet, like you, I miss all that and wonder how I will ever get it back.

So remember you are not on your own in feeling this way, there are many more of us feeling like this.  You, like me, are doing an absolutely marvellous job (most of the time) and we are entitled to our little meltdowns occasionally.  Like you said, we are only human, and a few tears sometimes is to be expected and is actually quite healing when you think about it.

Thinking of you and sending hugs...
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sunflower07
Fionarob wrote:
Confusedinlimbo - I don't think you are wrong in putting up this boundary.  You have the right to step back until your husband has cut all contact with the AP, that really isn't much to ask. 

If he tires of you having this boundary up then I would question how much he is genuinely committed to the marriage.  If he really wanted to fix things and to work it out with you, then it shouldn't tire him at all. He should recognise you have to do it - and it is his choice to stay in contact with the AP.

He says he needs to "get rid of the connection that's still there".  I think there is only one way - NO CONTACT!!  While there is contact, there will always be a connection.  I might be wrong, but if he is trying to wean himself off the AP gradually, so that it's less painful, I am not sure that will ever work.  He will have to go through the pain.  I think this is what my husband tried to avoid.  He couldn't stand the pain of no contact and he also couldn't stand to hurt the AP in the same way.  So minimal contact was kept, and the result was the connection never went, and the affair just went on, and on and on.

If he really, genuinely wants to get rid of the connection then he has to realise no contact is the only way, and the connection will gradually diminish.  But I do believe it can take a long time, especially when strong feelings of love are involved.  He will have to tough it out basically!  But how do you get him to do that or come to that realisation - I don't have the answer to that.  If I did then I might have been able to help my husband let his AP go.  He couldn't do it, so I let him go instead.


Fionarob,

How are you doing? I haven't seen you on here in a bit and I've wondered.
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ConfusedInLimbo
Thanks so much Anna26. All you ladies are si helpful and insightful.
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