Skelling
I was confident to be able to rebuild. We have been working on this for the last 10month and I thought we were heading in the right direction. 

However now, whenever there is an argument, I feel one of is will always be unhappy and therefore resent the other one. I don't feel my husband is putting the work in, that I need to see AND FEEL.  He has perfectly valid reasons for that as well. He is exhauste. He is very busy at work. He is tired in the evening and he can't feel guilty all the time. All that is fair enough but for me it feels like another proof for being selfish. He is tired and is able to go to sleep not a care in the world. Who cares, if I am able to sleep or not. If I am fine or not. Who cares that he wasn't too tired to stay up all night and whine about me to the OW, drink till late, have sex, only getting by on 2 or 3h sleep. Or that he plays taxi in the early morning hours  or late at night to please again someone else, never mind that I said no to this. Or that he goes out with his buddy to the late night movies, not too tired for that either. How am I supposed to feel other than, nevermind me? Or when he questions my decisons or wishes. I feel oubted as his wife alreay because of the affair. If he questions my ability to make decisions for our children on top of that, because they don't make sense to him, because my reasons are not valid enough, what is left of my identity? I don't see him question other people, no they need to be pleased. He argues that he wants to have a say in things too and that if my feelongs, decisions or wishes don't make sense to HIM, he will object and argue for the sake of stating his opinion, which leaves me feeling again that what I have to say or feel isn't valid and gets objected until I take his side or left feeling guilty cause I persist and have to fight the deamons in the back of my head that tell me that now he is resenting me for persisting as for him it wasn't valid, he doesn't feel heard just like during the affair. 

We have been going to counseling and every time we go, he seems to understand but fails to put it into practise. I know he is busy and I know it is hard but I am exhausted and I can't keep pulling the weight for both. I need him to take over the wheel and show that he is serious about this marriage. I know it is harsh and might seem bitter and maybe I am expecting too much but I NEED to feel valid, I need to feel that I matter and not just on occasion with flowers, not as a sidejob so I can't complain that he isn't doing anything. I know he has needs an wants too. I know he wants to be heard and have a voice but as they say you just can't pour from an empty cup. I don't know maybe it is normal to come to another bump in the road but maybe its just time to realize that we are not good for each other.
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anthro
I don't think that sounds bitter or unreasonable.

Of course it is true we have a lot of bumps in the road and what feels unbearable one day seems okay the next.

If he is exhausted and there are good reasons for it then giving all the thinking and worrying a break may be worthwhile. Dealing with all this aftermath stuff is exhausting in itself. I have been letting a lot of stuff lie while my wife struggles with work and study. It's not ideal but I think it's necessary.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
Quote 0 0
Skelling
Thanks Anthro.
I understand that and I am not trying to say he can't be tired as well. The problem though for me is that he chooses himself first again. Doesn't get up once to check, if I am ok or maybe reassure me that we will sort it out another day but that we should both now try and sleep. He doesn't understand what this causes as I feel left alone again and I am starting to detach. If I am foced sorting out myself alone, I might just realize that maybe I am starting to become good it.
Quote 2 0
Keepabuzz
I agree with Anthro, not bitter, not unreasonable. I don’t think the I’m tired line is valid. He can’t feel guilty all the time???  Wow! That must be nice to just turn it off!  I think what you’re wanting/needing is 100% reasonable, and SHOULD be expected. My wife carried the load for a long time after her confession. 

I wonder if it’s about proper motivation. If he is fairly certain or certain you won’t leave, maybe he is doing just enough in his mind. My wife knew without a doubt I didn’t want to stay, that I wanted to divorce, and the only reason I was staying was because of the kids. She poured her heart and soul into “winning” me back. She knew she had very limited amount of time, because she knew I wouldn’t stay just for the kids forever. She had to win me back, and prove herself before that clock ran out, and she could read the clock. She didn’t know if she had 6 months, or 3 days. She also picked up the slack for everything I just stopped doing. I didn’t help around the house at all. For that first year, I barely functioned. I didn’t help her in anyway. I worked, and read books, listened to podcasts (The recovery room), read and posted here, I was fully focused on how to get myself out of that terrible pain.  

I cant tell you what to do, but if I were in your shoes, I would make it very clear what you expect, and also what you refuse to put up with and what WILL happen if those are not adhered to.  I did that with my wife. She didn’t agree with all of it, I didn’t care. Her opinion had no value in regards to what I needed, or what I refused to put up with. For example before (and during) her affair if we got into a argument, she would leave the house.  Well after her affair, her leaving the house upset was a HUGE trigger for me. So I told her that I wouldn’t accept that anymore. I would be ok if she wanted to leave the room, and go somewhere else in the house, but not leave. She didn’t agree, she said that is just something that she does. I said that was fine and she could continue to do that then, but it wouldn’t be with me. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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blyrobin51
Keep taking care of YOURSELF.  he doesn't get it and you have got to take care of your mental health.   the biggest favor I did for myself in this process was to get to the point where I had confidence in what I was saying and doing, and no longer allowed his behaviors or reactions make me feel guilty, less than, invalid, or unworthy.   I no longer fed into his narrative.  I no longer allowed myself to NEED the scraps he was giving me.   I no longer allowed him to tell me the sky is red when I knew it is blue ( too tired to talk, but go to late night movies with friends).   Girl, don't go for it.    You can SEE the truth.....you can work on being honest with yourself-  is what he;s saying matching what you see?  is what he's doing matching what needs to be done?  if not, then stop pretending it is.....recognize your own fears, and start to build your esteem from a place of courage and serious soul searching.    I had to start giving MYSELF the validation I was seeking from him.  I wanted him to validate his undying love for me...his gut wrenching sorrow, his absolute fear of losing me.........but he wasn't............I had to do it for myself, and once he began to see that I didn't need it from him.........it changed him..........I began to build my own life outside of needing his validation ....it was hard...very hard.....because I love him, I want him, I needed him......but I shifted the focus....and made the decision to do whatever was best for me at the moment.  and sometimes that meant telling him what I felt, not giving a damn how it made him feel, or if he would respond appropriately........I chose not to need it.....
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WS_bob
Since the forum seems to be the only place to discuss things normally, let me put a few things in perspective, cause they seem conveniently left out.

I "played" taxi for her parents who just watched our kids for 5 days so we could go on vacation to bring them to the airport and I did that out of gratitude. While she said that it is early in the morning respectively late when they come back, she answered to her parents when they asked, they should ask me if I wanted to drive them. I find that manipulative but since I don't have a problem with driving them and am thankful that they gave us the opportunity to go on vacation (which they do every year), I said yes (knowing that she is probably not OK with it but she either makes it up to me or not, but doesn't throw the ball in my court when it is uncomfortable for her). I know that her parents were not helpful during our crisis, bit I was nevertheless thankful to them for coming over from Germany to give us the opportunity to go away for a few days.

I go out with one buddy maybe 3-4 times a year and I am home before midnight. That is one sore point for me and has always been as she will tell me I don't care how she feels or don't want to be with her because I want to go out every once in a while. I really thought we had a breakthrough there, when she said 2 weeks ago I should go play tennis in the morning twice a week and call my buddy to go out cause things were clearly not working so we have to try something different. When I asked her if she was really serious, she pulled back and said she has doubts cause I would take advantage of it, without even giving it a chance. These blows kill all my motivation cause I thought we are building something new, not getting back to the old ways (that clearly didn't work). 
 
I don't voice my opinion often, but if I feel something is unfair to the kids, because she had a bad day, I will say calmly that I disagree with how she handles the situation. This will be met with immediate fury (and it has been even before the affair) because she feels her feelings don't matter. I can say that her feelings do matter, however where her feelings carry her are less than ideal and that my opinion and feelings count, too. I can't turn my needs or feelings off because of what I have done, nor will I. I will take a step back at most times and be understanding but it can't/won't be all the time, if has to be, then I am sorry, I wont be strong enough. 

The reason we got to a bad place is because of the crap above, because I feel, what I want doesn't matter cause everything that matters is how she feels or what she wants. I feel that I am there to make her happy, go to work and that's it and only then she will show me love in return, if there is anything she doesn't like, she will make sure that I feel it. You can tell that I am the bitter one, not her.

I am regretting what I did, that it was selfish and extremely hurtful and devastating to her. However, I regret more that I didn't speak up about what I thought was going wrong in our relationship more loudly before the affair even happened and forced counseling. And I am fearful that now it was the nail in the coffin, cause I have to be the one who again steps back because I f'ed up and the actual issues wont get fixed. What am I actually fixing then by being understanding, that everything is like before? How can I validate feelings when they are feelings against me respectively meet them in an understanding way if everything in me is disagreeing. Validating feelings is fine, but I have to be able to disagree with the situation these feelings get us into.

And that is really the point, you have feelings, you react based on those feelings, you play out the scenario, do you like that scenario, No, so you start arguing. At least I do now, cause me keeping quiet is what got us into this mess. 

I may be unreasonable, but it is the way it is, I expect her to work on us/herself just as much as she expects me to show remorse, apply counseling sessions into real life and get us into a better place. It will not be always 100%, how can it be, this is real life after all and I am just being realistic, knowing myself, but if it is mainly me who has to change and apply all the good relationship advice from counseling and wherever else, then it will not work. 

I am still remaining hopeful, change starts after all with me, which I definitely did, but we have to change together.
Quote 0 0
Fionarob
When I read threads like this it reminds me how complex recovery from an affair is.............
First - you have the problems from before the affair, that maybe contributed to the affair happening.....
Next - you have the things that happened during the affair that are so hard to forget..........
Then - you have the way both parties behave in the aftermath, who is doing enough to help the healing, who is taking a back seat, who is trying to justify their behaviour or make excuses........
Also - you have everyone else's opinions and views, judgements, advice........
It is amazing to me that any couple manage to navigate their way through it all and come out the other side still together and happy, especially where there is so much scope for resentment to creep in, on both sides.  Sometimes you need to take a step back from the whole thing and just think how incredible it is that you are working through it.  It was never going to be easy.  Only you can decide if there are just too many bumps in the road and you want to take a different route.
Quote 6 0
Skelling
It is true that he drove MY parents however not true that I left it up to him as I told my mother before it was too late but offered to get the cab for her. She went on to ask my husband directly again because she wants what she wants and my husband doesn't say no to anyone other than his wife. It is also true that they just watched THEIR grankids for 5 days whom they havent seen in a year and won't until next year. And yes I asked them for it as I believed we needed that time together and didn't get any support from them during the aftermath of the affair. My father literally told me its my own fault and my mother didn't even check in to see how I am holding up for two straight month after I told her. And later when it would come up, say things like don't dramatize...

Going out with his buddy is true not very often but 3 timesa year is an understatement and before midnight as well. Going out was not the issue here BUT that its late night but that he is too tired to make sure I am ok and can go to sleep as well. 

What he regretted MORE than the affair, was not speaking up. I think this is where I draw my line. I have been working on myself an know there is still plenty to do, sorting through my childhood....but there is also his childhood and his baggage and HIS reasons for not speaking up.

It is true there are always two sides to the coin. I didn't leave that out to paint an onesided picture. For me this doesn't change how I feel. As for our children. It is hard but my husband is not here during the day. He doesn't know what plays out during the day and assuming that I make a decison based on having a bad day, is unjust and might as well call me unfit to being a mom. (for full disclosure. Our daughter is a teenager and just been caught in several lies and being deceitful, which ended with being grounded. She asked for a sleepover next week, when she would be off of being grounded and I AGREED. in the evening she came said she was going to pacvk her back for the agreed sleepover tomorrow and I sai NO, next week yes this week no. My husband deceided that this made no sense, its unfair to her and assumed I had a bad day and therefore took it out on her and she should be able to go this week.) And yes I blew up because I felt not being trusted with that job. 

I apologize for turning this into a public dispute. Again that was not my intention. I posted because I feel stuck an was looking for support and perspective in an environment, where I felt understood before but can see that its not helpful for both parties to be here, so I will delete my account and not cause further damage.
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WS_bob
No need to delete, I will just stop reading, I didn't want this to be a public dispute either, was just taken aback by the responses on some very one-sided statements. 

I won't comment or read anymore. 
Quote 0 0
ThrivenotSurvive
Fionarob wrote:
When I read threads like this it reminds me how complex recovery from an affair is.............
First - you have the problems from before the affair, that maybe contributed to the affair happening.....
Next - you have the things that happened during the affair that are so hard to forget..........
Then - you have the way both parties behave in the aftermath, who is doing enough to help the healing, who is taking a back seat, who is trying to justify their behaviour or make excuses........
Also - you have everyone else's opinions and views, judgements, advice........
It is amazing to me that any couple manage to navigate their way through it all and come out the other side still together and happy, especially where there is so much scope for resentment to creep in, on both sides.  Sometimes you need to take a step back from the whole thing and just think how incredible it is that you are working through it.  It was never going to be easy.  Only you can decide if there are just too many bumps in the road and you want to take a different route.


Perfectly stated.  

I think this juncture, right here, is where most recovery goes off the rails.  Because in many cases (not all) there were legitimate concerns/issues in the marriage before the infidelity.  The WS chose to deal with their resentment in one of the most damaging and least effective ways.  Now, they took their bag of resentment and pain and handed it to their spouse.  They've deeply traumatized them, made them question their own value, the way they see the world, their sense of safety in what they "know" to be true.  But the original problems are still there - only now made 100 times worse by a whole new ball of pain.

Keep in mind that you are still REALLY, REALLY early in this process.  10 months is not a lot - it feels like it is  - but it is not.  The true trauma with its accompanying  PTSD symptoms didn't start to abate for me until somewhere between 12-18 months.  Even after I could still get triggered - it was just for a shorter duration and a far less frequent.  So you both a re HIGHLY reactive, and in particular it is unfair for the WS to get upset with the BS for being so.  Trust me - we don't want to feel this way - we seem crazy even to ourselves half the time.  But in our nervous system we are running from a tiger EVERY day, ALL day for the first year or so... the fact that we are ever calm is a clear sign of how hard we are working to be loving and kind. 

To move forward, somehow you have to stop handing this bag of resentment back and forth  It's a BITTER F*ing PILL TO SWALLOW that often as the BS, we have to scrape ourselves off the floor, commit to our own healing (sometimes with our spouses help - but usually a LOT on our own), and while holding our guts in from the mortar blast we just endured, slowly begin to tend to the wounds in our marriage as well.  Unfair - YES.  A resounding YES.  I am not surprised many walk away instead because unfair really isn't a big enough word.  
 
And yet.. if something better is to be built, at some point the COUPLE has to drop the bag together.  Right now I sense an enormous amount of hurt and resentment (the most corrosive thing to ANY relationship) on BOTH sides.  Do both have justification for it? YES.  Are both perfectly within their rights to hold onto it until time ends?  YES.  But the marriage won't survive (or be unhappy as hell) and both of you will carry a weight on your shoulders for the rest of your lives.

You both seem to really want reconciliation - but are quick to judge the other as not doing enough.  What if for a WHOLE MONTH - you gave your spouse a pass?  You assumed they were doing their best with every single decision and did your best to meet their needs or at least compromise with EVERYTHING they asked/did?  That you made a point of tying to meet THEIR needs before making sure your own got met?  And you trusted the other partner to do the same for you.  BOTH OF YOU.  

Put down your anger, put down your shields and move towards one another.  Start every conversation with a compliment to the other of something they did RIGHT.  Keep a list of every single thing they have done for you daily (big or small) so you are paying at least as much attention to what the other person IS doing as you pay to what they aren't.  

This is not an easy road.  And there is no shame is saying it is too much.  But if you are going to do it - then commit to it 100% .  That means talking about the affair and the fallout in the BSs head even when the WS wants to run away.  That ALSO means recognizing that the WS is exhausted, has a crappy meeting in the morning they don't feel prepared for and is likely to be unable to muster the emotional strength right then to be helpful.  It's meeting in the middle - where all marriages need to live to be happy and fulfilling.  If one party is always the one to give, resentments will build.  If you feel resentment building, you need to discuss it  

But NOT by saying "You are doing XX and it really upsets me." - that sets you up from moment one for a fight.  All the other person hears is that once again they are WRONG. 

But you can say, "I am really struggling with a dynamic that is going on with us right now.  I know I play a part in it, and I want to understand better how you feel so we can find a better way.  I love you and I love that we are trying to build a happier marriage so I want to find a better way of us dealing with XX." That's not a fight - that's a genuine ask for help to resolve a concern TOGETHER.  

Some wayward spouses are like Keep's wife and are able to dig deep and behave with grace under a steady stream of anger for months - even years.  But not all can - I don't think that necessarily says they are bad people or unwilling to change.  My husband could never have endured it.  He would have run away or hurt himself. The shame and the pain would have been too much.  He made that choice specifically because he was so bad at dealing with conflict and talking about his needs.  This didn't suddenly magically disappear on DD.  

He was already well on his way to developing a drinking problem to deal with the shame before DD - after, his alcohol consumption nearly doubled in the months that followed.  That didn't mean I wasn't allowed to express my anger and pain - I was - and God knows, I did.  But it also meant that I extended myself in ways that were terribly, painfully difficult in order to give him the space to heal as well.  Just as he did with me, sitting in shame, as I had to ask the same question for the millionth time.  Or hold me as I sobbed for the future I had envisioned that now felt dead.  

But I gave more grace then I knew I was capable of by also dealing with things on my own when I knew he was already emotionally low, or under tremendous work stress, etc.  I extended even more grace by being really curious about why he hadn't felt comfortable to talk more about his needs and what they were.  We discovered, together, that some of the issues were in HIM (and he sought to address them) - but some where in the dynamic WE had built and we worked together to change those.  

I don't think either party is wrong here - but being right about your respective concerns isn't going to get you anywhere.  Only compromise will.  Only approaching every interaction with an open mind and an assumption that the other person has your best interests at heart will.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
Quote 1 0
ThrivenotSurvive
Skelling and WSBob - 

No one here takes offense and you probably have helped many people by seeing that similar issues echo in all our lives.  

Both of you need a short break (I mean like an afternoon, not a BREAK) to recover your equilibrium.  Youa re still really, really, really early in this process.  i can guarantee Skelling is still in PTSD mode and WSBob  has a lot to unpack on his own.  

No one see either one of you as the good guy or the bad guy.  You are two good people who have gone WAY off track and hurt each other really really badly.  That is done.  All you have a choice over is where you go from here.  

On a related note - parenting is HARD.  You are both going to disagree at times.  I will say that as a parent one of the most painful things that my husband has ever done (besides having an affair) was talk to me about our daughter in a way that made me feel like he didn't approve.  

During the time he was living away from home for work (and became involved in the affair), I was home helping my parents make a cross-country move when our daughter called hysterical from college.  I drove to where she was going to college and slowly unraveled the fact hat she was having massive panic attacks (to the point of almost passing out) and suicidal thoughts.  I stayed with her for the next 5 weeks to get her through the end of the semester and brought her home, slowly learning more as she felt comfortable to share.   What it boiled down to is that she had a very progressed eating disorder along with clinical anxiety and depression.  Where one started and the other ended wasn't clear - but both were threatening her life.  

I tried to share this with my husband but he struggled to understand (he wasn't there to see it first hand) - he thought she needed some tough love and to learn to "toughen up".  It was how he was raised and one of the many reasons he has a hard time even labeling his emotional needs, much less articulate them.  I, however, was there - and had days where I had to steel myself to go into to her room to wake her up - because I was terrified she'd be dead of suicide or a heart attack (I lost a friend in college to this from bulimia so I knew it was very possible.)

This period hurt me almost as much as the affair.  I never felt more devalued as a mother in my life.  I was already doubting myself because my daughter was suffering - and he was not helping.  In the three years since DD we've talked about this, and he has admitted that he was afraid and how he coped was trying to make it small and minimize it.  He felt guilty because he knew he had said things about people's weight in the past (and even hers) that he thought were jokes but clearly had taken root in her head.  In order to not live in guilt, he had to minimize it, make it not that big of a deal... but that hurt her and me. 

I don't tell you this because I think your issues are similar...  they obviously aren't.  I am pointing out that our feelings about who we are as a parent go DIRECTLY to our heart.  It is one of the things we ALREADY  doubt ourselves about - so when a spouse questions it, it is like a dagger to an open wound.  So we have to work extra, extra, extra hard in dealing with conflict over how to parent to come from a place of ASSUMING the other person is trying to make the best decision and bringing up differing viewpoints with love and care.  

Saying. "You are an amazing mother and our daughter is so lucky to have you... but sometimes I worry that the tension around the house and the issues between us are affecting her - and you - and your relationship.  Do you think there is any chance that your anger at ME for being deceitful is causing you to come down on hr a lot harder than you normally would have? " - and then LISTENING to the response would have probably brought about a discussion on how to make sure (for both of you) that your issues don't spill over into your parenting.  

Because that is always an issue in the aftermath of trauma.  Often one parent wants to overindulge the kids because they feel they've already been put through too much and the other takes out their frustration on them when they do the stupid stuff kids do.  Or even more often both parents rotate through these extremes.  A conscious talk about that is fair.  But approaching it in a way where one parent feels judged and the other feels they have no voice, is unfair to both.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
I know I absolutely took out some of my anger on one of my kids. It was my middle daughter. She has about 13, and had installed “snap chat” on her phone after I had made it clear that this was not allowed. This is the platform that my wife used to contact her AP, HUGE trigger for me. I went absolutely ape shìt on her. My wife tried to calm me down, but did it in a negative way. I told her to “shut her d*mn mouth”, right in front of my daughter. I was off the rails. My daughter was wrong, she did lie, etc. but I went way too far. I really regret that. 

There is a time to address prior affair issues in the marriage, but man, I sure don’t think it’s 10 months out from d-day. If my wife had said at 10 months (or now, at almost 4 years) out that ANYTHING I did or didn’t do lead to her affair, she would have been divorced as fast as the lawyers could (can) get it done. Affairs are NOT the fault of the BS, they are 100% the fault of the WS. Marriage issues and challenges can be discussed, but as said above, carefully. The WS is in NO position to be making demands.  But, as always that is just me, and my opinion....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
Quote 2 0
Skelling
Thank you. It helps and we were able tocome together and both apologize. I think Thrive was right, I think I felt like being called a bad mother. I have to admit that the affair mst likely plays part in my reaction. I never accepted lies but now if I am being lied to, its 1000 times worse. 

As for working on issues that were there before the affair. I agree they need to be addressed and I suppose there is no gentle way and sugar coating that I have my part in that and no matter how much time passes it will always be painful to accept that. So I suppose I need help in dealing with that better. But I know that each time, I hear that its like before and my husband feels like he can't speak up, I see red. I don't know an I can't explain what this does inside of me, I just know I go into total panic mode. I tried explaining it to my husband once that its like a horrible traffic accident. I ran a red light, get hit, end in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and the cop calls me into the office shows me the traffic cam over and over and over, how I get hit and tells me. Sorry you are in a wheelchair now but really it was your own fault as you were the one running the red light. So when I hear that my husband regrets not speaking up more than the affair. That he feels like he doesn't have a voice, then I hear this is the one and only reason the affair happened and its my very own fault and hearing its just like that now, puts me in panic mode that the next affair is just aroun the corner and it will be my own fault again. I don't know if  you can call it Ptsd, I don't know if that would make it too eay for me to excuse my own behavior but I know this is what I can't handle and therefore react so strongly. I know its not an excuse and I have to pull my own weight and accept my own mistakes. Having my parents here added to the explosive mix as I have been working to unpack some of my issues from my childhood and as my husband said, my parents have not been very supportive not just in this situation but throughout my whole life, which often left me feeling like second best, worthless, overlooked, abandoned or a failure all together. So beside working on rebuilding our marriage, I am trying to work on rebuilding myself, putting a healthy distance between my parents and I learning not to be guilt tripped. Again this shouldn't be an excuse or spill into my marriage but it all seems to be connected somehow and some days I can hold it together better than others and I know that this is on me to learn to deal with that better and find healthier ways but there is also only so much I can do at once and some days it all just becomes a bit much to handle. I felt like I owed an explanation. Thank you all again.

I am sorry that I vented here and I didn't mean to put my husband into a bad light. I know he is working hard on us and its not easy for him either. 
Quote 1 0
ThrivenotSurvive
Skelling wrote:

I tried explaining it to my husband once that its like a horrible traffic accident. I ran a red light, get hit, end in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and the cop calls me into the office shows me the traffic cam over and over and over, how I get hit and tells me. Sorry you are in a wheelchair now but really it was your own fault as you were the one running the red light. 

So beside working on rebuilding our marriage, I am trying to work on rebuilding myself, putting a healthy distance between my parents and I learning not to be guilt tripped. Again this shouldn't be an excuse or spill into my marriage but it all seems to be connected somehow and some days I can hold it together better than others and I know that this is on me to learn to deal with that better and find healthier ways but there is also only so much I can do at once and some days it all just becomes a bit much to handle.

I am sorry that I vented here and I didn't mean to put my husband into a bad light. I know he is working hard on us and its not easy for him either. 


Personally, I thought your example was amazing and I totally get it.  i hope he does too.  I know he is anxious to work on the things that were wrong in your marriage before, but I hope you can both be a bit more gentle with one another and take this slow.  Trying looking at it like triage.  Right now the effects of the affair are like a knife wound to a vital organ and the problems in your marriage before is like cancer - both could kill you but one needs to be attended to first. 

10 months is soooooo early.  I was still crying at the drop of a hat and having wild mood swings at this juncture.  To put this in prospective I think I cried a total of maybe10 times in the 5 years before DD - all when my best friend unexpectedly died at 40.  I rarely cry (it may be a bit weird actually).  But I started crying ALL THE TIME.  

I would worry about having to be with other people for too long of a period because I never knew when my mind would start playing tricks on me and taking me to the dark place.  I literally felt for the first time since i was a small child that I couldn't control my own self.  It made me think I was going CRAZY.  

So to you and your husband - you are really NOT unusual.  It may suck but it is a fact of the trauma that was placed at your door.  The only thing you can do is keep trying, keep working and keep healing as best you can.  It will get better - but not if you suppress it or deny it.  

I know it doesn't feel like it - but you guys are doing really well.  You are trying to work together to sort this out honestly with VERY raw emotions.  It isn't pretty and it hurts.  But if you can keep moving toward each other (like you clearly just did) - the other side will be very, very sweet.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ThrivenotSurvive
And one more thing -
I know you and he know this, but I think it is still worth saying - just because you were doing things that contributed to the breakdown of the marriage - you had NO idea it would lead here.  When he had the affair, he knew without a doubt that it would hurt you if you knew.  

I don't mean that to stir your anger at him - the same was true of my husband who i love dearly.  But it doesn't change the fact that if they HAD spoken up and demanded something different or they were leaving, they and we, would be in a very, very different place right now.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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