EasyAsABC
The attached man I was seeing reached out, yet again. 
This time to inform me that his partner looked me up on social media, and to request that I look her up and block her so she doesn’t do it again. 
Its been 7 months since she found out about me. She has my number, used it to look up my full name, age and address. And I guess today used my name to look me up on Facebook. His request that I block her so she doesn’t look me up again was because my face is “making things hard” for him. Because now she’s comparing herself to me. 
I get that she’s going to have a hard time with things, but it’s been 7 months for starters. Why devolve right back to the beginning by putting a face to the name, if she didn’t do that 7 months ago when she got my full name and phone number? 
I have my own recovery to work on, and making sure my public presence doesn’t upset her is not at the top of my priority list. 
I had a panic attack after texted me, and I’m still shaking. 
I blocked her profile(s), but how much more of my heart, soul, and well-being do I have to give up here? I ended the affair, I feel like that’s the extent of my responsibility. I need to be able to move on, not get reminders of him/then when she decides to self destruct. 
She did this to herself, and in turn set me back tremendously. How long am I supposed to sacrifice for her partners infidelity? 
Having to look her up myself is not something I wanted to have to do. Just to make things easier for him at home. But I also feel like I don’t want her sitting there obsessing over my Facebook profile. 

Im sorry if this was all over the place, I’m still struggling to catch my breath, and I’m holding back tears, and I still can’t stop shaking. I needed to vent somewhere without going off on him. This is so defeating. I want them out of my life. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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ThrivenotSurvive
She is reeling - just as you are.  She deserves as much sympathy, care and consideration as you do.  She ISN'T doing this TO YOU.  She is doing it because she can't control herself and is in terrible pain.  HE is the one who used it to reach out to you.  HE is the one who made it your problem.  For that matter, she may well not even know that he reached out to you and would be angry and humiliated if she knew.  

If she wanted to hurt you she'd be on your Facebook saying awful things, calling you, exposing you at your work and in every facet of your life.  But she's not - instead she hurting HERSELF as many of us do after our WS breaks our heart.  Have compassion for her.  

Focus all your anger on HIM.  He's the one who brought you into this mess.  Before - and now.  I can guarantee you that I compared myself to my husband's AP (she's not as attractive but she is younger) - but my husband talked with ME to remind me that it didn't matter.  That I was who he wanted and desired.  That it had been his need for attention that had made her attractive - not some lack in me.  He did NOT call the AP and tell her to block me.  He had gone NC and was keeping it that way for EVERYONE's sake.  

Your ex-AP contacted you because he wants you thinking about him... and he feeds on the drama of it all.  

This is not HER fault.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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ThrivenotSurvive
And I didn't even pay the other woman much mind in the beginning.  i was so devastated and angry with my husband that I really didn't even get around to thinking about her much until months later...  it wasn't until much later that my mind started bringing up questions about her.  Why would she have done this to someone else when it had been done to her? I didn't know then how common this is and I couldn't imagine causing the pain I felt to another human being.  Why had she acted so friendly to me when we met>  Was she already been plotting to ruin my life - or did I somehow offend her and make her think I didn't deserve common kindness?  

I didn't WANT to have these thoughts.  I wanted to forget she had, or ever did, exist.  But my mind wouldn't let me heal without asking these and many more questions.  So again - SHE isn't doing this to hurt you.  SHE is only trying to answer the questions that are coursing through her mind and heal her pain.  SHE likely had no idea he would use it as an excuse to reach out to you.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
EasyasABC,
      First off, “she” didn’t do any of this to herself. You and her WS did. “She” is doing her very best to survive this mess that you both had a hand at throwing her into. 

You get that she is going to “have a hard time with things, but it’s been 7 months”. I assure you, she hasn’t even begun to feel the depths of the pain that is to come. 7 months is a drop in the bucket on this timeline. At 7 months, I was still in full rage mode 90%of the time. The other 10% of the time I was contemplating the best way to eat a bullet and leave a corpse that could be shown with an open casket. 

How long are you supposed to sacrifice for her partner’s infidelity? You come across as if you had zero hand in it, zero responsibility for the damage caused.

“When she decides to self destruct”?!?!  Really?  She didn’t get a choice in ANY of this. You did, and your AP did. She is the ONLY one that didn’t get to decide anything. I assure you the very last thing she wants to do is self destruct, but I promise you she CAN NOT help it. You speak of being “set back”, she hasn’t even started yet. 

 I get that you are in pain, but my God, find some empathy for the victim of “your” and “your ap’s” actions. There is a lot in your post that screams selfishness.  I can imagine that you aren’t having the easiest time right now, either but wow.  It comes across like you could care less about her, and the pain and destruction you brought upon her. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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EasyAsABC
I get that it might be hard for you to understand, but I was lied to, manipulated, used and led on as well. I also feel heartbroken, rejected, worthless and like I’d like to die at times. 
The difference is, I’m alone in dealing with this. The difference is, since I’m the other woman, society thinks I’m not allowed to be hurt, I’m not allowed to have experienced trauma, loss and heartbreak at the hands of someone I loved. The man who said he loved me is not here to support, love and care for me through my darkest times, I go through those alone. 
So yes, 7 months later when I’m finally getting a handle on my suicidal ideations, and yes, my feelings of betrayal, I’m allowed to feel how I want to feel about being stalked on social media for absolutely no reason. What does looking me up accomplish other than hurting her further apparently? 
And in blocking her profile, she’s going to know he reached out to me. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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anthro
I think that, regardless of any ideas of responsibility etc, you can help everyone by reducing your social media prominence for a while.

For example - replace profile pic with something abstract, limit privacy settings to friends only. 

There are lots of reasons for this. Apart from anything else do you really want some agitated stranger looking at all your stuff and reading things into it?
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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EasyAsABC
anthro wrote:
I think that, regardless of any ideas of responsibility etc, you can help everyone by reducing your social media prominence for a while.

For example - replace profile pic with something abstract, limit privacy settings to friends only. 

There are lots of reasons for this. Apart from anything else do you really want some agitated stranger looking at all your stuff and reading things into it?



Im not cold hearted, and I can empathize here, but I’m not abandoning my main source of communication with my family, or altering it, for her benefit. She can be an adult and not look if it triggers her this much. 
As it was, my profile is already as private as it gets, and I ONLY use FB, no other social media. The only thing she could see was my profile picture, and my cover photo, which was a picture of my kids. There’s nothing else visible. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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ThrivenotSurvive
But why are you angry with HER?  That is saying it is the victim's fault for having feelings that don't align with your needs.  I understand why you are angry - but I I don't understand why you aren't angry EXCLUSIVELY at HIM - and feeling sorry for her that she is still hurting so much.  

I was stalked for almost 2 and half YEARS by the other woman.  I blocked her profile immediately but she created a SECOND account for her dog and used it to stalk my Instagram account.  And I wasn't half as pissed as you seem to be at this poor woman who had NO SAY SO in being hurt.  

I understand your shock, pain and upset - I just cannot fathom why it is directed at her more than him.  And yes, she will likely know NOW... but that does not mean she asked him to contact you.  So that will likely add another layer of pain and humiliation.  

This guy is such a schmuck I cannot believe that two women gave him the time f day and continue to be broken over him.  This isn't someone who cheated ONCE and learned from it.  He's a SERIAL cheater.  I wish I could wave a wand and both you and she see him for the hot mess he is - and rather than turn ANY ire on each other - put it where it belongs - on HIM. 

And one more thing, were YOU choosing to self-destruct when you made the choices that kept you with you ex - or started up with this guy?  Or were you just a human being doing the best you could in difficult as heck situations?  If you want compassion for YOUR mistakes and choices born of pain - you need to be able to extend it to others.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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EasyAsABC
I’m probably not conveying my emotions well here. 
I do feel for her. 
I also feel like she did herself a giant disservice by looking at something she knew wasn’t going to help her. 
I’m angry with the situation. And I’m FURIOUS that HE saddled me with the burden of her newfound/renewed pain. As if it’s my fault she looked me up, as if it’s my fault I have a Facebook account, or as if I intentionally showed her it to set her off. 
Its his mess, I did my part, he needs to do his. Part of that is leaving me the hell alone. 
When I told him she could refrain from looking again, because I wasn’t going out of my way to look her up just to spare her feelings, he pulled the “I thought you just wanted me to be happy” card. So I fell for it. And five minutes later I’m fuming, because he manipulated me, AGAIN. 
Im not angry with her, I’m livid at him. I think she shouldn’t have done what she did for her sake, but my anger stems from having this saddled on me by him, and having my panic attacks, shame, and heartbreak triggered again. All while sitting at my desk at work mind you. 
I’d be fine if she looked me up and messaged me actually, but for her to look me up, and then rage at him for my appearance, and then for him to again saddle me with the fault and guilt here is beyond disgusting. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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Keepabuzz
EasyAsABC wrote:
I get that it might be hard for you to understand, but I was lied to, manipulated, used and led on as well. I also feel heartbroken, rejected, worthless and like I’d like to die at times. 
The difference is, I’m alone in dealing with this. The difference is, since I’m the other woman, society thinks I’m not allowed to be hurt, I’m not allowed to have experienced trauma, loss and heartbreak at the hands of someone I loved. The man who said he loved me is not here to support, love and care for me through my darkest times, I go through those alone. 
So yes, 7 months later when I’m finally getting a handle on my suicidal ideations, and yes, my feelings of betrayal, I’m allowed to feel how I want to feel about being stalked on social media for absolutely no reason. What does looking me up accomplish other than hurting her further apparently? 
And in blocking her profile, she’s going to know he reached out to me. 


I’m not discounting any of your feelings. I certainly can imagine why you would feel the pain you do. I would push back on the whole you experienced trauma as the OW. 

You “are” alone, and I’m sure that is difficult. You see “her” as “having him to console her“.  Have you ever thought that it might be worse to have him?  My wife is my biggest trigger, and I love with her. She is the last thing I see at night and the first thing in the morning.  You are assuming he is “there for her”. I would bet he isn’t. In your description of him, he is a serial cheater, so he is most likely using his powers of manipulation at full force against her.  

You are certainly allowed to feel however you want to feel, but the callousness you show by being appalled that she looked at “your” social media is stunning. You had a full blown affair with HER partner!  You walked into that situation with eyes wide open, with no regard for the damage to his BS, she didn’t get a choice. 

Instead of getting angry at literally the very last human on the planet that “you” should have any anger at. How about you count your lucky stars that all she did was look at your Facebook page. There are many BS out there that do far, far worse things.

It took every bit of will power I had to not do something I may have regretted to my wife’s AP.  The ONLY reason he is still breathing today is because “I” allow it.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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EasyAsABC
To add to that- I’m not completely without anger toward her at this very moment. It’s probably misdirected anger, but because her actions toward herself weren’t healthy or constructive, it’s trickled down to me by means of him. That’s the only basis of my anger toward her. 
And the height of my anxiety attack was when I posted this originally. I couldn’t breathe, my hands were shaking, I was sweating and it took everything in me not to break down into tears at work. And in my head, especially right then and there, I was feeling that way because she decided to look me up seven months later. 
BS to an abusive H 2009-2018
OW 2018-2019
I wear many hats.
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ThrivenotSurvive
That makes a lot more sense.  

And yes, it wasn't wise.  But we are all imperfect.  And if we always made the best decisions most of us wouldn't be here, including you. 

She is still trying to piece her world back together - so honestly I am not remotely surprised she looked you up - or that she got upset.  Whether she cried, raged or merely curled into a ball about it, you have no idea.  He is the one who reached out to you - and we already know he's a liar and manipulator.  So for all we know, he found her in a crying heap and when he asked what was wrong she said she looked you up... and off he stormed to stir the pot.  Or maybe not.  Either way I am glad to hear that you are angry at HIM.  Because he's the only person who deserves it in this scenario.  

I know you probably don't want to - but you should consider getting a new phone number.  HE is the problem here and he's holding on like a tick trying to suck the last life out of both of you. 

I know what you will say - why should YOU have to make changes?  And I get it.  It sucks to have to make changes because of someone else's actions - but sometimes it is necessary.  When I realized that the other woman was stalking me from a secondary account I hadn't realized was hers - I struggled with what to do.  It pissed me off to high heaven that someone I'd NEVER invited into my life the first time - was inserting herself yet again after YEARS of no contact (though truthfully she'd probably been doing it the whole time and I'd only realized it at that point because of Instagram stories).  I refused to block her or make my account private on principle.  Why should I change to suit HER? 

But then I realized that I didn't want her peeking in my life and it was just ego plain and simple making me not take the steps to protect my OWN well being.  I wanted to forget she existed and seeing that she watched my Instagram stories EVERY day was not helping me do so.  So I blocked her.  And could have kicked myself for not doing it earlier.  

HE's the one who is blocking your healing.  HE's th one who keeps trying to suck you back into the drama.  Cut him off like the dead weight he is.  In EVERY WAY.  
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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Keepabuzz
I would disagree with the statement that only he deserves anger in this scenario. Easyas123 most certainly deserves the anger of the BS. This guy is guilty, but he sure isn’t the only one that is guilty of destroying the innocent victim. 
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Keepabuzz
EasyAsABC wrote:
To add to that- I’m not completely without anger toward her at this very moment. It’s probably misdirected anger, but because her actions toward herself weren’t healthy or constructive, it’s trickled down to me by means of him. That’s the only basis of my anger toward her. 
And the height of my anxiety attack was when I posted this originally. I couldn’t breathe, my hands were shaking, I was sweating and it took everything in me not to break down into tears at work. And in my head, especially right then and there, I was feeling that way because she decided to look me up seven months later. 


“Probably misdirected anger”??  I would say without a doubt it’s misdirected. You know who else’s actions weren’t healthy or constructive toward her?  Who did a giant disservice to her her? YOU and her WS.  They were terribly destructive and cruel.

How can you possibly be angry at her at all? She has done literally nothing to you, and you have 50% share in destroying her.  Is it jealousy?  Because ”she won the prize”?  Having a spouse that cheated on you is the farthest thing from getting the prize.  It’s more like settling for far less than you deserve.  That guy is certainly no prize.....
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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ThrivenotSurvive
No, that is true in the larger scenario. 

But she is trying to do the right thing and walk away and he keeps trying to suck her back in.  I only meant that in this specific event with Facebook - HE was the only one trying to make it her problem.  The BS didn't call her or reach out to her.  And in this case, EasyasABC wasn't doing anything wrong either.  She wasn't trying to get the BS's attention or his - she wasn't doing anything but trying to live her life.  

Certainly she helped set the original nightmare into motion, but she is trying hard to extract herself and the only person to keep the nightmare going is HIM.  

And for what it's worth I completely agree that being with the cause of your pain adds lots of layers - and at times - barriers to healing.  Sometimes I had to get AWAY from my husband to heal - so saying that the BS has it easier doesn't resonate with me. Unrelenting pain is unrelenting pain.  And i don't plan on finding out if I am right.
BS - Female
Married 27 years, one adult child
DD May 2016

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” - V Frankl
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