Perhaps your husbands AP was just stuck in the rut, and following your life was her new unhealthy behaviour. Probably not as sinister as you imagine.
Your action might have actually freed her from a very unhealthy and unproductive habit.
She might also be riddled wish guilt and watching that you had progressed so far might have brought her much joy...its not the most likely scenario, but it might actually be the case.
Thank you Sorry - and I echo Keepabuzz’s and the others sentiments. I realize it may be difficult at times to come here and share. Please know that I appreciate it. It is valuable and helpful.
And thank you for reminding me that the intentions of the ex-AP may not be unkind.
When I initially became aware of the attention, I did realize that there were a number of reasons she might be doing it -some far less nefarious (wanting to assure herself she hadn't destroyed our family, that I was okay, etc.) than others (checking to see if we were still together, if we seemed happy, if there might be a new opportunity, etc.) Of course there is always sheer unadulterated curiosity... a powerful force in most of us.
I considered messaging her and just saying "I don't know why you are doing this and am trying not to make assumptions regarding your motives. But whatever your reasons are I don't think it is a healthy behavior. I plan to make my account private but before I do so, is there something your need from me or my husband to move on? Regardless of what you may think, I take no joy from your pain or discomfort. I just want you to move on, as we have done. If there is something we can do to facilitate that, let me know in the next 48 hours. After that I will turn my account private."
But... after mulling that approach for MONTHS I decided against it. Because I don’t really know where her head is at – and all I have to go on is an oddly intense on-line focus that feels a bit obsessive. You’d think my husband would be able to provide some insight on what she might be thinking – but he’s realized that he never really got to know her as a person. The affair was much more about enjoying how she made him feel (she was junior to him in their field and looked up to him as far more successful) than getting to know and falling in love with a person. So sadly, he can answer very few questions about her motives now.
So, it seemed the safest course for everyone to just continue the no-contact that has been in place for a very long time. And as you said, hopefully I helped her quit a habit that was holding her back from moving on.
FYI - seeing someone like you here, Sorry, never shying away from telling the truth about the awful things you thought or did, but also showing how you view them now – is such a help. It reminds me to stay true to what I have always believed, that people can and do change – if they really want to. Goodness knows I have over the years. Many won’t – or can’t sustain it because they haven’t dealt with the underlying issues. But many will as you so perfectly exemplify.