Hurting13
I found out about my husband's affair over a year ago. He swore it was only emotional and that he would break it off. Well, he didn't. He continued the affair and it became physical. So, he got mad at me and moved out. He began dating right away and sleeping with other women. Four months later, he woke up, came clean about everything and recommitted to the marriage. He moved back in and has been totally transparent ever since.

I am struggling with the anger that I have now. I will have triggers that pop up out of the blue and I'm forced to deal with. My husband's AP is married and her husband doesn't know. I have thought many times about telling him. I keep telling myself that if I were in the situation, I would want someone to tell me. But, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I am so angry that my husband, his AP and a woman that he slept with that was a "friend" get to walk away with no consequences. The "friend" has been in a committed relationship before, during and after being intimate with my husband. I'm so mad. But, my anger is my secondary emotion. I'm hurt, that is the primary emotion. But I am so tired of being hurt.

My husband said that while we were apart, he was pretending that he was okay. He was dating and going out a lot with friends. Part of me is scared. What if he is just pretending right now? I'm such a mess. We go through periods where things are okay, really good and then something will trigger me and I'm so down.

We talked about reclaiming the triggers for ourselves. Knowing that it will be hard, but taking back our relationship and making those things ours again.

It's really hard. I know that I am so strong to go through this. Sometimes, I get tired of being strong.
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Heidi
Hi hurting. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I can relate to the anger and the pain. I'm 15 months post d day, and go through those, too. Less than I used to, but they're still there. It's awful isn't it? And I'm not sure which I prefer, they're like two fillings in a s**t sandwich.

You raised a few points in your post, so please forgive me if I miss any. The first thing you mention is the OW's BH. There are arguments for and against telling him, and it's a decision only you can make. The only thing I'd say is don't do it in anger. If you're going to tell him, do it because he deserves to know. And be aware that you may open up a whole new can of worms that could impact the recovery of your relationship. I totally get the 'no consequences' thing. The aim (and I'm not there yet) is to not care about the OW at all, good or bad. By telling him, it could be like you're opening the door to let her into your lives again.

You say your husband slept with a friend. Such another layer of betrayal. Have you cut her out of your life? Do you have mutual friends? If you do I can only imagine how much harder it makes it for you to move on.

The triggers are really hard to deal with. Some you can learn to avoid, and others come out of the blue like a wrecking ball. Trying to reclaim the ones you can sounds like a good idea. Learning to deal with the rest takes time, and again I'm not there yet. I've found meditation helps, as has looking at negative thought patterns. But I suspect that as with so many things, time will be the best healer.

It sounds as though your WH is doing all he should be to help you. That's a great thing. Hopefully your trust and sense of safety can slowly be rebuilt. Has he worked on himself to see why he had these affairs, and what he'd do differently in the future? My WH has been in counselling, which has really helped us both. It's helped him to see what needs to change, and helped me to see that he's willing to make those changes.

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UrbanExplorer
I agree with Heidi. Be careful about getting involved with the OW's marriage and family. There are valid arguments both ways, but it has unpredictable results.

I will say as a WS that no one gets away with an affair without consequences, except maybe someone with a psychological disorder. Mine were obvious, but even if I had not been found out, it is a lot to carry around inside. It feels like a mark on your soul to lie about something so big.
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Hurting13
Heidi,
Thank you. I am sorry you are going through this, too. And yes, it is awful. And I think you and Urban Explorer are correct, I am not going to tell the OW's H. It just isn't inside me. I think he should know, but it shouldn't come from me. I am trying to not care about the OW. I do find myself thinking about their time together and what he saw in her. But then, I realize that it doesn't matter.

It wasn't a good friend of mine, more a friend of H's. She was so nice and supportive to me, but ran and slept with him the second she had the chance. Please don't misunderstand me, I do blame my H. Not just this other woman. It just hurts so much that she supported us after my H's affair and then did what she did. I know that I can't control anyone, but it just sickens me that people can be so two faced.

Needless to say, I have completely cut her out of my life. She and my H have mutual friends that he has completely cut off, too. So, he really is trying. Thanks, Heidi. Best of luck to you!
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Hurting13
UrbanExplorer,
Thanks. I know you and Heidi are correct. I'm not going to tell the OW's H. My path has been a rough one and I am selfishly worried about the repercussions of that. And I know you are right. People have to live with what they have done, my H included.

I appreciate the feedback and comments. It's nice to know that I'm on the right track to healing.
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comingclean
Hurting - I am a WS.  I was able to continue the affair w my AP when only her husband knew and my BS did not.  If there is a danger of that happening, I think that would be one reason to inform the other BS.  Not for revenge, but to feel safe again.
Unless I experience it firsthand, I don't think I could ever fully understand how much I hurt my wife - it is awful to come to that realization.  It kills me - so if your WS is trying to come to grips with this, please don't feel like he is getting away without consequences... these are his.  From my own experience, it did help my wife when she saw me completely break down.  When she sees me cry, I think it does help her take the edge off of her anger.  Even if that is not your WS's nature, rest assured - they are suffering.
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Hurting13
Comingclean,
Thank you. Thank you. I can't imagine how you feel, but thank you for sharing your experience with me. I do not believe that that the Affair is continuing. Thank you for your perspective on my husband's consequences. I think you hit the nail on the head. Thank you for your response.
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blythespirit
I know I've said this before, on another thread, but I do believe the other BS has a right to know and the unfortunate situation for many of us is that if we don't tell them, there may not be anyone else that can/will. In addition, my fear was not that the affair may continue or re-ignite if the other spouse was unaware, but rather that I would always be waiting for the "other shoe to drop", so to speak. Even if my WS and I decide not to reconcile, it could be months or even years down the road when the full truth comes out and I don't want to ever have to revisit the consequences of what has happened. A later revelation could tear apart the progress and any healing that has been gained.

We live in a small community where our kids all go to the same school and so the chances of further damage are substantial. I would rather deal with it now while we're already dealing with the fallout. So, although the OW in my case did tell her spouse, I would have done it if she hadn't. Since I also know him independently of the affair, I would have done it as a personal favor as well. Because I know he wouldn't want to play the fool any longer than necessary.

I guess the only reason I wouldn't have done it would have been if there were risk of a violent reaction but, then again, disclosure could have happened in any number of ways, even without my involvement, and I still wouldn't want to just sit around waiting for it to happen. Further, I wouldn't be willing to be complicit in any further deception or cover up of the truth.
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sunflower07
Hurting13 wrote:
I found out about my husband's affair over a year ago. He swore it was only emotional and that he would break it off. Well, he didn't. He continued the affair and it became physical. So, he got mad at me and moved out. He began dating right away and sleeping with other women. Four months later, he woke up, came clean about everything and recommitted to the marriage. He moved back in and has been totally transparent ever since.

I am struggling with the anger that I have now. I will have triggers that pop up out of the blue and I'm forced to deal with. My husband's AP is married and her husband doesn't know. I have thought many times about telling him. I keep telling myself that if I were in the situation, I would want someone to tell me. But, I just can't bring myself to do it.

I am so angry that my husband, his AP and a woman that he slept with that was a "friend" get to walk away with no consequences. The "friend" has been in a committed relationship before, during and after being intimate with my husband. I'm so mad. But, my anger is my secondary emotion. I'm hurt, that is the primary emotion. But I am so tired of being hurt.

My husband said that while we were apart, he was pretending that he was okay. He was dating and going out a lot with friends. Part of me is scared. What if he is just pretending right now? I'm such a mess. We go through periods where things are okay, really good and then something will trigger me and I'm so down.

We talked about reclaiming the triggers for ourselves. Knowing that it will be hard, but taking back our relationship and making those things ours again.

It's really hard. I know that I am so strong to go through this. Sometimes, I get tired of being strong.


Well, your husband didn't get away with it totally because YOU know about it and you are important in this.

I also struggled with wanting to tell the APs spouse. I think there is a long discussion about in another thread. I took the advice to not contact and I am so glad I followed the advice!

The triggers are awful but something you have to go through. I still have them but they are fewer and less intense now. Communication with your spouse about them is the answer. It also helped my husband and I to talk about my triggers in our counseling sessions. Having our counselor explain about triggers to my husband helped immensely.

My husband really does help me through them when the happen now.

And that is one way that I know his intention to stay and rebuild our marriage is sincere.

I had to stop relying on his words and look for his actions instead. This evolves over time and isn't as quick as words but is so much more valuable in the end.
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Guiltguilt
Nobody with a conscience ever gets out of it scotfree.
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