I am 1 year from D-Day.  My story is typical.  My husband started being more distant, not interested in sex, aloof, and disconnected.   He would flinch when I came to hug him...that was my final indicator. I suspected he was cheating, but I really only suspected it as means to eliminate it as a reason for his strange behavior....I didn't really believe it...until.....I came across an opportunity to scroll through his phone.....  ANGER IS TOO SMALL OF A WORD.

I couldn't believe what I saw when I went through his phone. I had been suspicious of his behavior over a few months, so when I finally eliminated all other reasons, (health, worries about his mom) I looked for evidence of cheating, and there it was....a full picture of her vagina...via text.   I had asked him a month or so prior "are you cheating on me?"- not really believing it, but I asked just the same.  Of course he denied it.....and so a month after my initial inquiry, I found the picture.     He lied about how long he was involved with her, first he said 2 months, then he said 6 months, I found out he had been in contact for over 1 year.  (that's as far as I could trace phone records)...I was shocked. 

In a dizzy mind-numbed stupor I called the number from his phone and she answered the phone "Hey Baby"...  I lost it. I don't know why I called.   I ran upstairs to my husband and showed him the picture I found FULLSCREEN-  I thought he was going have a heart attack right there.  He could barely speak.   

later that evening from my phone, I texted her and let her know that I knew, she tried to deflect and deny, but I told her he confessed and then the wheels came off the bus!!!!!- she and I exchanged texts for several days after D-Day- she said some hurtful stuff, but then she said "I am a patient- and what you are doing is against the law, I will have the police come to you and your husband's office"...!!   I almost lost my mind!  Could he be cheating with a patient?  It happens quite often in a hospital setting, but it is ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN. - SHE LIED, BUT IT LEAD ME TO MORE EVIDENCE.  

We work at a hospital in the Social Work field.   So that was an extra special treat!   I texted her for several days afterward, she said some hurtful stuff, but when she told me SHE was a patient at my facility- I almost lost my mind!  Could my husband be cheating with one or our patients??? It happens quite often in a hospital setting, but it is ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN. -  What was actually the case?   His AP's lover turned out to be one of our shared clients!!!!  His AP didn't mention to him that her lover, was a patient at our facility.  DAMN.  I found this out by reverse phone lookup.  When I saw the name attached to the number, and I recognized it as one of my former patients, I thought I was going to die, right there.  but it turns out, my former client is the AP's lover.  (who is helping to pay the AP bills- that's why the former clients name was on the phone record-because she pays AP cellbill) WTF???   So, you cheat with a lesbian, who is in a relationship with one of your former clients?  and you didn't even know?  you had no idea? 

I sent a text to the AP and put her lover's name in it!  Yes.  I sent her the NAME of her lover,... my former client!  LIke, yes, hussy,  I've peeped your game.   About 1 hour later, I get a text from my former client, apologizing for her girlfriend's part in this....she told me how bad she felt because I had provided her with so much help during a dark period of her life, and that she was totally destroyed at that fact that my husband, her one time mentor, was involved.  She told me that she explained this to her partner and asked her not to contact me or my husband.  I met with my former client twice about this mess,  both times are a blurr...we both looked like two shell-shocked war veterans.  -  I was at a level of anger that I didn't even know existed.  Oh, and she told me the AP had compromising pictures of my husband...sexting pictures.  I don't know how much I believe it, but of course its possible - I didn't see them, and she said she destroyed them.  But this was also after I told her I was going send her girlfriend's vagina picture to her job with a nice caption underneath.   The Whore works at a Social Work facility- she and my husband met at a meeting..... a meeting they would skip to rendezvous for sex.  He claims it only happened 3 times.....I don't believe it.  ANGER IS TOO SMALL OF A CONCEPT!!!!

We have been in counseling for 1 year.  And while we have made tremendous progress....and I can see a change in my WS,- I recognize that at this point, he needs to kick into another gear.  Everything he has been doing so far is good...he brings me flowers, he remorseful as hell, he looks like he's aged, he is less haughty and arrogant, he has opened up more than ever before, he is sharing his feelings more.....however- its not enough.  He is just tapping the surface. 

He is a conflict-avoider, which has caused so many problems.  He doesn't share his true feelings, and he isn't honest most of the time.....not like a liar, but more of a non-present person- always trying to represent in response to someone else.....he will deny and not share what he is really feeling, deferring to whomever, and then holding a resentment because he doesn't feel validated, or taken care of.......I on the other hand, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and look for constant validation........we are both people pleasers.

He isn't talking enough.  He isn't bringing up the subject.  He is acting like a scared boy, waiting for the okay, waiting for instructions.  I have tried my best to give him as much green light as possible.....but he cant/wont move forward from where we are now.  He constantly looks to see what mood I am in, what my attitude is, and THEN he decides how he is going to be.  If I am in a good mood, he is present and wants to engage...if Im in a bad space, he will ask if I am okay, but cant handle if its anger or deep sorrow.   He clams up. He doesn't know what to say, he starts to hide.    I understand it....but I can no longer tolerate it.  We are at a fork.  He needs to kick it up a notch.   I am reading, listening to podcasts, doing all sorts of things to keep myself above water........we go to counseling, but that is all he does. He waits for the session.    It them becomes a session of trying to get him to understand the level of communication he needs.   He is stuck.  Im sure he had no idea the level of pain and work involved with infidelity.  I am not sure about anything.  I am really really devastated. 

My anger has changed.  It was boiling red-hot.  Now its at a mild simmer.  but I find that I am obsessing about her.  too much.   I want to re-direct my thoughts- I want to reach out to her.  I KNOW THAT IS NOT GOOD....NOT GOOD AT ALL AND I WONT DO IT..but I want to.  I've researched her to death on the internet....... I am stuck too.    He is resistant to the level of communication we need.  I am so sad, so angry, so lost.  -  I am not in the same place as last year........but there is definitely the next level we need to get too....Im just worried that he cant or wont do it.
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