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Heidi
Thanks, Narrow. My WH says exactly the same about not thinking about it. I think it’s true for a lot of WSes. Watching my WS take responsibility for that wayward thinking (or lack of it) and changing himself in order to not do that again was an important part of our healing process. 
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TheNarrow
After D-Day, I didn't ask my BS to get counseling with me. I knew that it was MY choice to have the affair. Just because my husband had hurt me that does NOT put any fault on him for the affair. I told him I was going to fix my character defects and if he ever wanted to join me he was welcome. I have been in a Celebrate Recovery program since then as well as counseling for myself. And my husband thought it would be good for us to see a counselor in our church which made me so happy.
Wayward Spouse
D-Day March 2017
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Heidi
That’s wonderful Narrow. I love success stories!
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Trinity
QUESTION .....  Do we have any WS that are men who post ???  If we do, can some one direct me to their posts.

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Heidi
Kalmarjan posted here for quite a while. Worth going back through the posts to find some of his. 
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Trinity


We don't say that it's great that a kid stole from a shop but we can look back and say, well she learned that one the hard way, and she's certainly learned her lesson. 

Is it possible for something like this to happen in adulthood? 

Dunno. What are your thoughts on this? 


YES, I do believe that this can happen in adulthood.  I have done things in my past as an adult that I certainly learned from.  
I am sure it is within all of us to learn from any circumstance, good and bad, I think it just naturally happens as we process the situation.  
Reckless people may not learn.  I don't believe that the majority of people could be classified as reckless. 

"T"
BS - DDay July 2017

O GOD, take me, break me, make me. 
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Laurajean83
Keepabuzz wrote:


So are you saying that WS’s in general are not capable of making the positive changes without having an affair?


Nope.  I think that everything is far more complex than that.  

I do not agree with Artho with the whole late learner concept.  I spend 30 years (ok 10 adult years) as a strong women of integrity.  I do not have a personality disorder.  I was a good wife and I had an amazing husband.  Relationally we were good, even pretty great, with a few touchie spots for sure.  Life came with some challenges, and small wave after small wave knocked me off my feet and it was a fast tumble into darkness.  I could have done so many things differently, and I hold all the blame for not doing right and choosing better.  But I stood tall and when certain waves came they knocked me down so low.  And now as I stand again, stronger, and much much wiser.  

I will concede with all honesty however.  That I knew I had a propensity toward this kinda of desire, yet also was 100% sure I would never succumb to it.  

So ya its complex.  I dont blame the circumstances for my choices, I dont blame my husband for areas we could have worked on together.  But seeing them and acknowledging them is super important I think.  
WW, Dday 7 months ago

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure.  Who can understand it.  Jer 17:9
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Keepabuzz
Trinity wrote:
QUESTION .....  Do we have any WS that are men who post ???  If we do, can some one direct me to their posts.

"T"


Guiltguilt is another male WS.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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Sorry


As far as I can tell, this matches my wife (and me) pretty closely, although we are only coming up to one year since d-day and somewhat less since NC.

I would find it incredible if my wife never thought of the AP and if she told me she never did, then I wouldn't believe her. I believe her however when she tells me that she doesn't think of the affair in a (I am paraphrasing or interpreting here, I should say) pro-affair or pro-AP kind of way. (I think this is a reason why it is important for NC to be a definite and deliberate choice of the WS.)

Clearly, I can't be saying she needs to sort her thinking out and then add, "but you must never think of the AP!" That would be silly.

What might be significant in our case is that the AP behaved monstrously after d-day, so much so that if she thought positively about him now I'd suggest she truly needs to be committed to an asylum. I imagine it would be more complicated if he had turned out to be a great guy instead of pond scum.

Similar to you, my wife is preoccupied with anxiety - about being publicly exposed, and we have moved suburbs because she could not face encountering various people connected with the affair (AP, AP's wife, AP's kids, AP's wife's parents), or the wider community that must have at least shared rumours.

I suppose when you come right down to it, this question is partly the question, "do you ever wish you were with the AP instead of your spouse?" It is because of this question, which is a pretty dreadful one to have in your head, that I have more than once, including right on d-day, really laid out a very easy pathway for my wife to leave me. She has not taken it and that is the best I can do as far as convincing myself she is here because it's her preference.

As for me... I think I am in about the same position as your (UrbanExplorer's) husband. I imagine my wife thinks I want to keep talking about the affair, but I really don't. I am concerned with the present and the future. The affair does affect my current state and my needs and wants quite a bit, but that is not the same as wanting to talk about the affair. I also don't feel like I need IC at all. Whatever else has come out of this, I at least have a feeling that I am okay. My relationship is not okay, my wife is not really okay, but I am okay.

A product of the not-okay relationship is that I am plagued with (a) intrusive thoughts, largely memories of the deliberately cruel things the AP said to me and the unintentionally cruel things my wife said to me, and (b) just a rising feeling of anxiety or panic that I should have left my wife long ago. These are largely things I keep to myself now. They do not make me feel I am not okay in myself. I see them as natural products of the affair and the fact that I am currently in a badly wounded relationship.

I do assume that my wife has private, inner thoughts that I would not like to know about. I have those too. I don't tell her every time I think, "how could you have done that???". What would be the point? And I definitely, definitely don't want to be told every time the AP pops into her head. Hell no. What I actually want is simply to hear that she is 110% committed to getting it right from here, and that staying with me is not some big compromise when she wishes she were elsewhere.

Sorry I've rambled! It's a funny question (it's a good question but it is fiddly to think about) because there's such a big difference between missing the AP or longing for the AP, and just thinking of the AP. If my wife were still wishing she were with the AP, and I knew it, I'd be outta here. But if she didn't ever think of him, I'd find that really odd.

Here's an example. He had a normal but slightly uncommon name. Like, suppose the AP's name was "Augustus" (it wasn't, but you get the idea - it's a real name but doesn't come up much.) And then suppose we watched Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and there was a string of dialogue going "Augustus" over and over. She was sitting on the floor with the kids and I was on the sofa behind, and she looked back and said, "are you going to be okay?"

It was impossible for either of us not to think of the AP at that time. I was surprised and impressed that she checked in with me at all because the way she used to be, I think she'd have sat there steadfastly pretending there was nothing to take note of. The point is that if a WS never thought about the AP they'd have to have had a lobotomy.

I have a few exes. I think about them basically never. I would expect the AP to recede to that sort of level for my wife eventually. The only difference is that the AP is associated with all kinds of guilt and shame and that makes it more of an aggressive memory in certain ways.

The wish for the WS to never think of the AP is basically a wish that the affair had never happened. Totally understandable but just as impossible as a BS never thinking of the affair.


Are you sure that you've never had an affair before? Sorry, I know that insensitive but this pretty much describes how it Is to a T. 
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anthropoidape
Sorry wrote:


Are you sure that you've never had an affair before? Sorry, I know that insensitive but this pretty much describes how it Is to a T. 


I don't think it is an insensitive question on a forum like this! 

I have never had an affair. 
Maybe it is okay, maybe it will be okay.

BS, d-day Feb 2017, 16 mth affair.
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