OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE WHEN FIRST WE PRACTICE TO DECEIVE!!!
Sir Walter Scott
As I‘m reading your post, I’m sobbing feeling so bad for your wife going through this awful life changing experience that she certainly didn’t ask for or deserved. I wish I could give her a hug. She probably wishes you were dead, but even that wouldn’t take the pain away. You may get an “A” for being a successful executive, but you certainly get an”F” in the treatment of those you supposedly hold most dear—your family. At the end of your life, you’re not going to say, “I wish I had worked more”, or “I wish I had spent more time with prostitutes.” You are going to be saying, “I wish that I had spent more time with my family.” It proves that it doesn’t matter how much money you make, how big of a house you have, or how many cars you have. The most important things in your life are the relationships with your wife and children. Not how many women you had sex with, or how many sexual fantasies you participated in.
I’ve watched many videos on Affair Recovery. Samuel had a 2 1/2 year affair, but managed to keep his family intact with lots of therapy. Anyway, Samuel was telling his client about what had happened to him, and how he was struggling with lack of money. How he had been on top of the world. He had lots of money, big house, and lots of friends. After his affair became known, Samuel lost his job, friends were gone, lost his house, and they had to move to Texas to get away from his affair partner. Samuel’s client, who was super rich and powerful, after learning that Samuel had kept his family together, told Samuel that he would give up everything penny he had to have his family back. There had been infidelity, and he and his wife were divorcing. The client told Samuel that if both men were to magically switch lives, Samuel would never have to worry about money ever again. But then, Samuel would not have his family, and the other guy would. So sad what infidelity does to people.
This always reminds me of that song called, “Cat’s in the cradle.” The song is about a busy man who never has time for his son. Then when the son grows up, the son never has time for his father. So, the son grew up exactly like his dad. Despairwh, you should definitely listen to that song if you haven’t already. It will give you a perspective on how you spend your time. Your children need to spend time with you, but you are giving away your time to strangers. Your precious time should not be spent with prostitutes who don’t give a damn about you other than getting your money. That’s no relationship to be proud of.
I feel like I have to ask you,”Are you a narcissist?” As I’m reading this post, I get the impression that you don’t want your wife to make YOU feel bad for what YOU did to HER. An example of this is when you say that your wife is “trying to aggravate me to the point that I give up on the M and get a D.” You don’t want to feel bad for what you did. You should feel bad for hurting her. If you don’t, you’ve got bigger problems. You also say that you are “getting more and more depressed and exhausted.” How the heck do you think your wife feels? She is also AGGRAVATED, DEPRESSED, and EXHAUSTED by what YOU did to HER. She didn’t get a say in your cheating. That was your choice. You chose to put yourself in this predicament. So don’t play the victim. This is your new reality. You may not like your new reality that you created, but there it is nonetheless. One of the many consequences cheaters have to face.
My first suggestion is for you and your poor, poor wife to definitely get tested for ALL STDs ASAP. Heaven only knows if you are infected with something. You could very well have killed your wife. Your children would be fatherless and motherless—orphans. Who is going to take care of them? Some STDs like Chlamydia can be asymptotic and only discovered through testing. You better hope that you didn’t pass on an STD on to your wife. Another consequence of cheating.
The fact that you were unfaithful with a prostitute is beyond pathetic. Why would you feel the need to have to pay for someone to have sex with you to show you love and attention that you don’t deserve? You have a wife who loves you who would be more than glad to show you her love for you. So, not only were you physically unfaithful but financially unfaithful as well. I can only imagine how much money you spent on services rendered, hotels, meals, and gifts that you did not give to your wife because you were busy giving those things to others. You were also unfaithful with your time. Time that you withheld not only from your wife but also your children. Time that you can never get back. Your children were probably wondering why you were not at home. Who was more important than them? REMEMBER—-Cat’s in the cradle. I’d hate to be in your shoes when you have to answer that question.
The ring thing—-YIKES!!! I’m surprised you’re still alive. The fact that you don’t comprehend why she is so upset because of the ring, says you have no empathy or compassion towards your wife. I can only imagine how upset she was with you. Her heart rate must have been well over 100 beats a minute. She probably has PTSD from all this trauma you inflicted. No wonder she rages. If she doubts your truthfulness about the ring, you only have yourself to blame for lying.
If you had unmet needs, there were other options—leave, divorce, see a therapist, sit and have a conversation. Choosing to have an affair was the most FUN (for you), but definitely (for your wife) the most hurtful and damaging thing to do not to mention cowardly.
Yes, cowardly. Instead of being a real MAN, you chose to put your wife through the worst pain imaginable. Judge Judy says that when someone knows what they are going to do is wrong, and they do it anyway, those people are being self-indulgent. You knew what you were doing was wrong, or you would not have kept it a secret for so long. Affairs are about keeping secrets. Secrets that only you and your prostitute companion only knew about. I hope you told your wife EVERY LITTLE DETAIL about your affair. Two years is a long time to be deceitful. When you complain that she is raging at you and it seems like a long time to you, I have to ask, “ Are you kidding me? Do you really think that she should get over the fact that you stabbed her in her back and twisted the knife just for extra fun?” When she found out about the ring, it reset the healing process. You don’t get to dictate how long she gets to heal. It takes however long it takes. She had no say in how long you had your affair. You also don’t mention if you confessed about the affair, or if you were found out. Being caught is the worst.
I can see how she would be embarrassed to have people know your true character. She chose you because she thought that out of all the millions of men in this world, she thought you were a man of honor. And look how well that turned out. She is questioning her judgement of how she could have been fooled by you into thinking you were a stand up guy. A person with good morals and values. You fooled her completely, and she feels like an idiot. She’s facing the reality that you were actually a fraud.
I hope she understands with therapy that your affair had nothing to do with her (although it feels like it is.) Your affair is all about your brokenness and how shallow you are. You are hallow on the inside. People who are hallow on the inside have nothing to offer others except pain and suffering. Your wife was wonderfully and fearfully made by God, and no one can diminish her self worth. It will take her time to understand this. Your affair does not take away what a wonderful person she is on the inside. You broke her, and it’s your job now to fix what you broke. And don’t complain because you have to fix what you broke. You are and will continue facing a tsunami of hurt and rage from her due to your careless and thoughtless actions. Man up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. It’s hard facing the consequences of your actions. I bet you wish you had never cheated in the first place. Your happy life has now become a nightmare.
You say that you are getting depressed because she rages at you. You have some nerve. You certainly weren’t “depressed” when you were in the arms of strangers.
God hates adultery so much that he mentioned it twice in the Ten Commandments:
1. Thou shall not commit adultery.
2. Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s wife.
I’d hate to be in your shoes when you will have to defend yourself to him.
Affairs are about escaping real life. Instead of being a REAL MAN and talking to your wife about life’s struggles ( which we all have), you chose to escape and have others tell you how wonderful you are. Praise that you did not deserve. A counselor once said that in her 30 years of counseling couples, more often than not, it’s the spouse that cheats that is putting the least amount of effort in the relationship. Were you telling your wife how wonderful she is, or how sexy she is, or that you would like to fulfill a “sexual fantasy” with her? Probably not. You were failing your marriage because you were with affair partners and never home. Hard to work on your marriage when your body and mind were with APs.
Some unfaithful guy posted on another website that he wishes he had gone to his wife and told her “ I feel lonely”. If he had done this and gotten his wife’s attention, he would not be going through the hell he is in right now.
The ones I really worry about are your children. They are the unintended victims of your adultery. As a child, my father had affairs. It still affects my sisters and me to this day. My sister loathes him for what he did to us and especially our mother who I used to hear crying behind closed doors. It was very embarrassing having him for a father knowing we were the talk of the town. If your children find out about your affairs, they will probably be embarrassed having you for their father. I don’t know how this knowledge will affect them. It’s hard to keep affairs from becoming public. These things have a way of coming out eventually. Sometimes affairs affect employment, damage your reputation, lose friends, lose respect from loved ones, etc.
Have you thought that your wife might have a revenge affair? It does happen a lot. More than people imagine. So, you could be looking at your own DDay. Just saying.
A lady posted on Affair Recovery that to this day she carries a heaviness in her heart not only for the pain she inflicted on her ex husband, but for the pain she inflicted on her own children. The children she carried within her. The children that she nursed and raised were the ones she hurt the most. To this day, years later, she still sees how her infidelity has affected her own children. What she wouldn’t give to be able to go back in time and undo the affair, but she knows she can’t. She also said that there is not one person on this Earth worth hurting your own family.
So, I ask you, despairwh, was that prostitute worth all the pain you inflicted on your family?
THE CHICKENS HAVE COME HOME TO ROOST!!!