I like most know am just about 4 months out from my hell day. I have no sympathy for him, I don't get it am I the only one dealing with these feelings? Everyone on here seems to be, I won't say begging, but looking for ways to " keep" their partner that cheated. Hear me out. I want my hubby to stay, and he is trying, but I will not beg or anything else. I have been working on US before this day and I will continue to because that is what I set out to do, fix what needed to be fixed. Now he throws this in my lap and now I have to work on me even more and deal with this. If he didn't drop her from day 1 and was washy washy I think he would be gone, I THINK. I say that but I'm not in those shoes. He did. I just don't understand why all the advice asking how to get them to come back or want me again, they should be begging us NO?
Take this post for what it's worth, because these days I don't think straight, I don't feel like I am worth anything, so say what you want to me it couldn't hurt me any worse or make me feel any worse than I feel now, so be honest, don't play Willy Wonka with me, I am a big girl and I can take what anyone throws at me from now on.
I am by no means trying to offend anyone, I'm just not understanding
I hear you loud and clear, and the pain you are going through. It is still early for all of this. 4 months is not a lot of time to process.
I don't think anyone should beg for the relationship. Not the BS, and not the WS. In the end, the two of you will have to want it to work, period.
I personally disagree with any stance that anyone needs to grovel, beg, plead for forgiveness. I refuse to think it's good to give yourself up in order to be in a relationship, especially if that is what brought you to door #1 and door #2.
Okay,so that's out of the way, now to clarify what I think the advice is trying to tell you. TimT does it so much more elegantly than I.
It's about making yourself available . Right now you are rightly pissed at what has happened. If you weren't, I'd be worried. But you are also letting that close the door to your availability (and intimacy).
It's not about blame, but about telling it how it is. Like Tim said, I don't know you, I can only read through your words here and try to guess the intent of what you are writing.
It's been a year and a half since D-day for us. It seems like things are easy for us, but they are not. It still stings and we still trip up over this affair. Sometimes it's like downright walking on eggshells, but at least this time it's all with the truth.
The one "good" thing to come of this is that we are both not afraid to lose each other. That already happened, so we can be more honest with each other. Sometimes brutally honest.
Last weekend I went on a camping trip with my wife and she shared with me when we were alone how she felt through the year that I was gone. She also told me to shut up when I started to get defensive. Shut up and listen. And, I did. I listened to understand.
At the beginning, the first couple of months? She wouldn't even be in the same room as me when I came to pick up my son. There was no talking, save through sporadic texts and mediation.
That was through shame on my part and a huge amount of anger on her part. But, she did beg me to come back, and I will tell you that when she did it had the opposite effect.
The stupid thing is I didn't feel safe enough to come back in the beginning. Honestly, it's like when you are a kid and know you've messed up, and are afraid to face the music, the repercussions of what you did. The consequences.
Time will help here. It took me a year and a bit to come back. That's the truth