DestroyedDani
My story is a little different but a lot the same as many on here and I am just looking for help and guidance.

Here goes...

My husband and I have only been together 5 years and married for 3 of those years but I have known him my ENTIRE life.

My husband and I grew up together, his mother used to babysit my sister and I as children, but I moved when I was 16 and lost contact for 20 years. A lot can happen to a person in 20 years...

Before I ran into my husband , I was that jaded angry and bitter "cat lady", I had given up on love. I had been married briefly in my 20's and had completely sworn off marriage again. Funny when people asked me why I was single I always gave the same bitter response. "Do I look like Snow White or Cinderella? Love is only for fairy tales!" Yes, I was that person.... I got to the point that I knew I was going to be alone and I was fine with that. I had taken care of my daughter for 10 years as a single parent and had managed to purchase my own home, and I felt that I had my life in order. Until...

My childhood best friend walked back into my life. We picked up right were we left off, inseparable and I found myself feeling like Cinderella and actually feeling loved, for once in my life. We got married 2 years later (shock to a lot of people due to my view on love and marriage) and during that time I had many conversations with him about my feelings on cheating, yes I had been cheated on in the past. I feel if you're going to cheat, then just leave. I went so far as to tell him if he was going to cheat, if he literally was about to put his d#%k in another woman, pick up the phone and tell me it's over. I know, harsh and vulgar but I thought it got the point across that for me cheating is a deal breaker, unforgivable.

Three years later I find myself here. I am so terribly heartbroken, hurt, and angry. I can't bear to think of my life without him, he truly is my best friend and soul mate. His affair lasted a month and a half with only 1 encounter at a hotel, he worked with her but she is now in a different department. I found out via an email from the OW's husband. My husband is here trying to make things right and help me heal, but for me it feels like we have returned to the same old day to day routine and life as it was when everything fell a part. The life I can't trust.

I know myself, I know the type of person I am, and I worry that I will never be able to forgive him. That this pain and hurt is going to haunt me for the rest of my life and is ultimately going to be the demise of us. Am I just delaying the inevitable?

Thanks in advance for any and all help.

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Jennifer
Destroyed Dani,

I can see that you are in a lot of pain right now and I remember what that was like after my husband admitted to his affair. I'm not sure how long ago you found out but it seems like it has been pretty recent. I would like to caution you about making any permanent decisions at this point in time. When you are highly emotional it can taint the way you view things and you do not want to make any huge decision in that space.

As for delaying the inevitable, I think that depends on you and your husband. Is it possible to recover from an affair and have a happy marriage? Yes it is but this is not the right choice for everyone. Both partners need to be committed to making the relationship work and putting in the hard work of trying to figure out why the affair happened in the first place. Counseling could be helpful in finding these reasons out. The WS need to take full responsibility for his actions and show remorse for the decision he made and be willing to do whatever it takes to make the marriage succeed.

You are the only one who can decide what you want and if you are willing to give him a chance if he wants one. The process of affair recovery is not easy and can be very difficult but I encourage you to take some time for yourself and think about what you want and whether you believe your partner is committed to change. If both partners are fully committed you can have a happy marriage in spite of this.
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DestroyedDani
Jennifer wrote:
Destroyed Dani,

I can see that you are in a lot of pain right now and I remember what that was like after my husband admitted to his affair. I'm not sure how long ago you found out but it seems like it has been pretty recent. I would like to caution you about making any permanent decisions at this point in time. When you are highly emotional it can taint the way you view things and you do not want to make any huge decision in that space.


Thank you Jennifer,

I am 6 months out, I found out the day before my 3rd wedding anniversary. (This also has me wondering about our future, so early into our marriage)

At what point do you start making permanent decisions?

I tend to be the person that never forgives or forgets, I can hold a heck of a grudge, and I worry that this aspect of my personality is what will hold us back.

Will I ever be able to get past the pain and hurt or should I just save us a whole lot of time and just call it? I do love my husband and do not want to drag him through years of torment and torture, as I know that this is how he feels anytime I am triggered or upset.


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Negarcia
Destroyeddani my mom is like that and has held grudges for a long long time. Just seeing her and how she relives those memories and how it continues to destroy her it has shown me that I don't want to live in misery. I am a BS and decided to go to counseling for myself, not for him. I have let his affair change and destroy me because I have been so focused on him but I have learned it's about me. Time wife reccomeded a book called "Self Compassion" by Kristen Neff and it has helped me realize how much I'm worth. Living with anger Leaves you bitter and living in the past while the people that caused this pain are able to move on because it never bothered them to begin with.

If my husbabd decided that he wanted to work on our marriage, it would take a lot of effort on his part because he needs to show me he wants this as much as I do but I can't want it for him. What do you think it will take for you to feel better about the situation? For me it was letting it out. Knowing how much support I have from here, my family and friends and even my counselor empowered me.
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Guiltguilt
Resentment, refeeling, the grudge? It's like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
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DestroyedDani
Guiltguilt wrote:
Resentment, refeeling, the grudge? It's like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.


I never said it was right, but at times in my life it has served me well.

Typically in my life the anger and resentment were good motivators to help me be a better me. It helped make me the independent woman I was.
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Kalmarjan
DestroyedDani wrote:


I never said it was right, but at times in my life it has served me well.

Typically in my life the anger and resentment were good motivators to help me be a better me. It helped make me the independent woman I was.


Well said. Especially the part about the feelings motivating you. Some people get stuck, and let the feelings wrap around them like a blanket so they don't have to deal with the underlying issues.

I don't think there is any right or wrong way. Everyone has to deal with the grief somehow.
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blythespirit
After 7 months I feel like I'm finally beginning to let go of some of the anger, even though my WS is still in contact with his AP and he and I are still separated because of it. I believe that the anger did prompt me to make positive life changes in myself, even if only done initially to show my WS that I can do without him. Now, however, I continue on that path because I truly feel better about myself. I'm no longer trying to prove anything to him. For me to hold onto the anger any longer would only slow me down because it's a huge drain on energy. Energy that is better spent on healing myself and my children. And if my WS does ultimately choose to come back to our marriage, energy spent on healing my relationship with him.
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UrbanExplorer
blythespirit wrote:
After 7 months I feel like I'm finally beginning to let go of some of the anger, even though my WS is still in contact with his AP and he and I are still separated because of it. I believe that the anger did prompt me to make positive life changes in myself, even if only done initially to show my WS that I can do without him. Now, however, I continue on that path because I truly feel better about myself. I'm no longer trying to prove anything to him. For me to hold onto the anger any longer would only slow me down because it's a huge drain on energy. Energy that is better spent on healing myself and my children. And if my WS does ultimately choose to come back to our marriage, energy spent on healing my relationship with him.


I think this sounds really healthy for you and your family.
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Negarcia
I agree that sometimes it is a motivator to make you stronger.
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DestroyedDani
Negarcia wrote:
I agree that sometimes it is a motivator to make you stronger.


How do I use it now in this situation?

Yes we are communicating a lot better now but the anger still flares up? How do I focus it to make my marriage better?
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Negarcia
DestroyedDani when I let anger motivate me, it actually made things worse. When I asked questions it made it worse because he wasn't ready to talk. It truly takes time and patience. Anger will happen but I learned to walk away, think about my anger, sometimes write it down and then go back to normal. The reason I would write it down is because I needed to write down my feelings and cone back to them later. The thing that made me stronger was literary believing in myself and trusting God to lead me. The more I tried to control the situation the further I pushed him and I away from each other. It's super hard especially when you are the BS and want it to work and he is the WS and is still in hos affair and fog. It sucks but I can't change him or control him.
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