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UrbanExplorer
My affair did not happen at work because I am so serious about being professional in the workplace that it is a hard line for me. In a hypothetical situation, I would have trouble working with my ex-AP and not falling for him again. I suppose the answer lies in how specialized their career paths are and how easy it would be to get a job with a different company or at a different site.

I do want to add that I would exercise caution in making statements about women luring men into a affairs as a way of moving up in a company. It is sexist to place women in the position of being gatekeepers of male sexuality fidelity. Men are fully capable of making their own decisions.
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Scarlett
Urban, I could not have said that last paragraph better! I am so tired of the one being solely to blame for the affair by people in society. My ex-AP seems to be getting a pass from everyone, and I am the "homewrecker". Do they not realize he was an equal participant! He stepped out on his wife and tried to steal another man's wife also! And really it's women who are the biggest culprits of that attitude! Why does society think it's acceptable, and almost expected, that men will cheat???
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Hurt
Thanks Urban,

Why I said I knew it was for her to get a leg up in the company is from her past exploits with men at work.

She also attempted a relationship with the other owners son.....15 years her junior. She only goes after top managment even though there are other suitors there ..that aren't in a position of power.

That is why i'm making that claim against her and her alone. Her history.

Thank you for your reply! I'm learning so much on this site. 

I do think you're correct, that if my husband and her have daily contact it's way too easy to fall back into it. 

Perhaps they never did truly end it. He could have taken it underground deeper. 

I lack so much trust, and have no idea how to get it back. I hate feeling this way.
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Anna26
Scarlett wrote:

That's hard to say because my anger is so strong.  It is no longer acceptable to me to be second in any man's life or to be treated with disrespect. I want to be with someone who loves me fully and loves me for me.

 


Thank you for your response, Scarlett,
It was just a theoretical question and one which I think you answered here.  I think the anger has a big effect on how someone would view a person, that is supposed to care about them, from either angle.
That's probably what I meant when I was talking about feelings. 

And I'm a BS and certainly wouldn't want to attack you for expressing your thoughts.  You are obviously in a much healthier place, marriage aside, and I hope things work out for you in the best way possible.

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sunflower07
surviving wrote:
Kalmarjan and sunflower07 - there is no absolute promise of the future.  In I Corinthians 10:12 tells us that, "Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall."  Yes, you can not want to go back to the AP, but you can't make that promise for sure because of the above verse.  My WH says he won't go back, but he keeps repeating the above verse because even if he doesn't want to go back, he doesn't want pride to get in his way and then he will fall back into his sexual sins.  I don't think I said that clear enough, but I hope you get the point.


That's for sure! At this point I can just continue to hope that my WS keeps on the path we seem to be on. We've talked and we can't see any way out of his job right now. So he will continue to have sporadic contact with her but only in 10 minute increments while other people are around.

I read some of the things that men write on here and I just don't know if my husband is really that deep. Does this make sense? He seems to be a pretty basic kind of guy, feed him, sex him and love on him. I just don't know if he will ever really get to the point of needing or reaching self-realization in this. He has shown me some remorse but i think all of my emotional discussion is wearing him out. Even getting him to talk to me about this has been difficult although he has come a long ways!
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Kalmarjan
A couple of things.

I used to be really angry too. Really, really angry at my AP. How could she do all this to me? How could I have been so duped? How could I fall for it?

Then a friend of mine heard me talking one day and pointed out that I was very angry and asked me why. You know what? She called me out good. I had no answer.

Once I took responsibility for my actions and decisions, the anger faded. Don't get me wrong, my AP is not my Favorite person in the world, but I let go of that anger. I, after all, chose to do what I did, regardless of what my AP said or did. I could have easily just told her to hit the bricks.

Regarding the propensity to reoffend. I think that if you don't deal with the core issues within yourself that caused you to step out on your marriage, you absolutely have a good chance to do it again.

Then again, if you take the time, self reflect, and understand what got you there, and actually take responsibility for your actions... Then you get to a place where you won't reoffend. That's because while you fix whatever you have going on, you also establish a clear boundary of what and what is not acceptable.

I hope I said that so it makes sense
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Scarlett
My anger comes from something different than yours, Kal. I'm not angry with him for anything while we were in the affair. I blame him for what he did afterwards. Spreading lies about me to protect his reputation and defame my character, and for filing a false restraining order against me which was dismissed in court for lack of evidence. He did it to shut me up since he's a politician. I think I may have been involved with a narcissistic psychopath, and yet I still miss the friendship we had. Crazy. I know. And I'm still shocked his wife gives him a pass. It's like she's begging him to stay with her. I'm honestly embarrassed for her.  I wouldn't be surprised if he's using his psychopathic abuse on her.
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Kalmarjan
No, I know what you mean. I am talking about aftermath too. My AP pulled all sorts of strings to get me to come back, I think so she could just discard me afterwards. Initially, I was very angry at what she was doing.

But then, I thought about her character. Who she was. I also was privy to proof that she had done this before. That I was yet another notch in her belt, and u want supposed to be someone she would have been serious with (this out of her own mouth no less!)

My anger faded, really. I'm not shocked by anything she tried, or will try in the future.

I once heard a story that sums it up perfectly.

A snake comes across a mouse stuck in a trap. The snake offers to free the mouse, but the mouse is cautious. "You'll eat me if you free me," the mouse says.

"No I won't. You have my word. I won't eat you, I promise. "

The mouse relents, and the snake frees it. As the mouse turns to thank the snake, the snake bites it, paralysing it.

Ad the mouse is losing consciousness and the snake comes near, it asks the snake," But you promised me you wouldn't eat me. Why did you lie? "

The snake simply smiled," Why, I'm a snake of course. What did you think would happen? "

It may not solve your anger towards your AP, Scarlett. But I'm willing to bet that deep down, you knew he was like this. You miss your friendship to him, or maybe is it the fantasy of your relationship? One could say that you dodged a bullet, and don't have to be with an ass like him.

Despite what most people would judge about you (with you being a WS and an AP) you deserve far better than what that dirt bag dished out to you.
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