Nigel Show full post »
Dirazz
I think we've all pretty much said it. In fact my WH's next sentence a after confession was" I'll go pack my stuff" he said because he knew what we both said if either of us cheated. But here we all are trying to heal and come to terms of our new circumstances. I love the support on this forum!
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UrbanExplorer
I never saw my H truly angry until my affair came out, and even then, it didn't happen until reconciliation was not working and I was talking about moving out. We are both suppressors of anger, so it was all new. When he raged and I could not get away from it, I wanted to kill myself, like actually had the urge to do it. I am terrified of raging people. We had to figure it out in therapy.
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Marthie
Nigel wrote:
I found out my wife had had an emotional affair then one night stand earlier this year a few weeks ago (different men). I was deeply suspicious of her behaviour change so accessed her phone (which was heavily locked down) without her permission. I found the messages and that for weeks after the one night stand she also carried on texting and sending pictures to the guy talking about maybe meeting up again. In addition to this her best friend was in on it all and has also been having one night stands behind her husbands back (he doesn't know) and they were looking for opportunities to plan more nights away together to pick up other men - almost like a game. She tells me several times a day how sorry she is and that she wants to make things right but I'm not feeling like there is any real action and she just seems paralysed and I feel like I'm kicking a puppy. I'm finding this all very hurtful and frustraighting to say the least. I have asked her to do the following to help me begin to trust her but she says I'm being unreasonable and controlling. In a way I don't want to hear she is sorry anymore, I want to see things happen. - Change her phone number so there is no way these men can contact her again. - Break off her relationship with her friend until we have been through counselling. I feel she is such a big part of the game and the deceit that I don't even want to hear her name. - Agree if not to travel for any overnight social events / meet ups with friends without me. I have not asked her to stop seeing local friends and a in fact she has already been out since I found out which I didn't say a word about. - Attend MC with me and IC if necessary. - No privacy on passwords or pin codes on any devices. So far all she will only agree to MC and she can't understand why the other things need to happen no matter what I say. Should I carry pressing or just let everything drop? I'm in turmoil trying to work out what I should be doing.
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Marthie
If she is serious she will agree to having her phone number changed. If not then she is not serious. Even have software such as Couple tracker loaded on both your phones so you can see what messages she is getting and/or sending and where she is.(It works both ways though) However if she is not willing to do that, then obviously she is not serious.
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Keepabuzz
I agree with you Marthie. I had a pretty long list of "conditions" I guess you would call them. None were from the motivation of punishment, just so that I could feel as safe as possible. Some were and are permanent, some were temporary, but any change in those conditions were my decision, and mine alone. If she had not agreed to all of them, then I would not have even considered trying to move forward. As the trust builds, conditions go away, it takes a lot of time.
Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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