Carleta

I will try to keep this short and sweet. 

I am a 23 going on 24 year old with an old soul. I consider myself a super introvert. I don’t go out much I hardly am on social media. I stick to reading books and watching YouTube. I have been with my husband for four years we have been married for one. He is a 28 year old bubbly extrovert. We have had our struggles with infidelity in the past, he has had a porn addiction and I have a love sex drive due to inexperience. But as the years go by I discover he also loves to discover girls on Snapchat Omegle and instagram. All of those factors don’t entice me to want to have sex with him as often and every time my desire would get less and less. Don’t get me wrong I do enjoy it but I hardly suggest it. Every he “digitally cheats” I have to pry answers out of him often later to discover half truths. He says he’s sorry wants to be a better man for me and I can see the changes I really do. But with addiction often come relapse. And I often forgive him because outside of those issues he is the perfect man. Our families even get along superbly. We have built a life together. Once we were married things were going great Until yesterday when I discovered he has cheated on me with a coworker of mine. She has been in my house and we have hung out I have given her advice when she needed it. Now I am a god fearing woman and I believe it getting married once. I am just afraid that if I decide to stay it will set a tone that he can get away with it and it might happen again. I don’t want to go back to being all alone but I don’t want to drive myself insane by staying. Please don’t be to harsh with me these new discoveries have me extremely vulnerable. Any advice helps thank you.

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notemanj

No one here will be harsh with you. I can promise you that. You may sometimes find our answers blunt, but they are never meant to be cruel. And by no means are you a stupid woman for trusting your H! That means you are a good person!


Before you can decide what you want to do either way, you both need help from a professional. You need to find independent counselors who can help with the issues you are dealing with. 


I would suggest first checking out http://www.bloomforwomen.com It is a site dedicated to helping women with partners who have sex or porn addictions. For $10 a month, you can access all of their online classes. 

Your husband needs to seek help for his addiction beyond you. You are not trained to deal with this type of addiction and you need to take care of yourself at this time. For your husband to make you feel safe, he needs to address his issues directly. 

This is a long process, that takes an ungodly amount of patience. Your main priority now is to take care of yourself and begin the healing process from the trauma that has just ended up in your lap. Read everything you can find on the issue. Educate yourself on how to best care for yourself. There is tons of information here for you. And we will all try to help along the way. 

Wishing everyone here peace and healing!

Female BS Married 18 yrs
DDay 3/7/2017 through 4/2019 and counting. 
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hurting
I’m so sorry you’re here... your background reminds me a bit of how I saw myself. My WS too had a porn addiction, would use Instagram, Snapchat and far worse to feed that addiction. 

He cheated on me for a solid 18 months to 2 years. 

What’s important here is addressing your needs. Clearly there were some issues in the relationship. No matter what they were, he chose a selfish and cowardly way out. Remember this- no matter what, his cheating is NOT your fault. It is not the fault of your low sex drive or whatever he may say you were or were not doing. 

My advice to you would be to set some boundaries with what you are and what you are not ok with... and stand firm. Ask yourself this: ‘what would make me walk away?’ 
perhaps the answer is if he lies. Or if he continues to cheat. 

Mine were along the lines of ‘if he continued to cheat or lied’ but most importantly in the end... it was if he didn’t CHANGE. 

Change is HARD. And it takes a long long time... change isn’t pretty words like ‘I want to be a better man for you’. Change can only be seen in actions. Drastic, permanent actions. 

For example... I demanded that my WS get off all social media because of how he was using it to feed his addiction. He did. I have open access to his emails and his phone. I did not have to fight for this. I can track his location if I so wish. For awhile, I could not handle him carrying cash (he was free to use credit cards) as dodgy places like brothels would likely be paid in cash. These are all things he could get around if he really wanted to... but although he did not embrace these demands happily, he accepts them readily and knows that they are part of Trying to live a honest and open life from a background of being a lying cheater. 

Other boundaries might include contact with the AP and being accountable for his whereabouts. 

What do YOU need to feel safer right now? It is your right to outline those for him and your right to decide when enough is enough and you want to leave. He could have already crossed that boundary for you in cheating. There is no right answer here... when it’s ‘enough’ is for you to decide.

You are right in saying that you should not stay and leave things as they are though. IMO the ONLY time a BS should stay is if the WS really looks at what was wrong in their lives, how they took this path and CHANGES. Otherwise it would be waiting for history to repeat itself...

Being alone seems scary, doesn’t it? I was terrified of leaving. I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to ‘lose’. I didn’t want lots of things. I didn’t leave in the end... but I think I could now if I wanted or needed to. You are still young. You will not be alone forever should you choose to go. You can be ok without this person... even if it feels impossible right now. 
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stillme
My WS had a porn addiction and I can tell you that if your husband doesn't get very intensive help very quickly, it will get out of control. My WS had a couple years of intensive counseling and changed his entire life to break the addiction. He also got scared straight from going to group sessions with other recovering addicts. Thankfully, his addiction didn't last as long as some other people (I found out about it, confronted him, and let him know it was that or me; he didn't want to lose his family over porn). Check out the website Your Brain on Porn as see what it does to people (most often men).

One of the biggest things is that your husband appears to already be trying to live out the fantasies he sees in real life by sleeping with someone you are close to. Many porn addicts end up turning to prostitutes to begin to fulfill some of the more obscure fantasies they begin to have - then your life really begins to be endangered. They also start to spend household funds in a way that can put the family in debt. 

It isn't until you pull the covers all the way off on the addiction that you see how far the addict has fallen. I lost so much respect for my WS after finding out just what the world of porn addiction entailed it took two years for me to find him attractive again. And that was two years of intensive work. If my WS has not committed to a complete life change and doing the hard intensive work for years, I would have been gone. And, that is being older with three children. It just would not have been worth it to me. It becomes a horrible existence even for the addict. 

Like most addictions, it must start with your WS admitting he is an addict. If he isn't willing to do that much, there isn't much hope. Unless he is willing to put extreme effort into breaking that addiction, I would definitely start making plans to walk out the door. You deserve better.
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tobefree
Hello, I'm sorry you are here and I also want to share this link: https://sexandrelationshiphealing.com/your-own-sexual-behavior/weekly-webinars/

Browse around this website, Dr. Weiss has great resources on porn addiction and sex addiction. 
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