seventy7
So, this is going to be a little long. 

This weekend I hit a low that I haven't felt in quite some time. The 2nd anniversary of D-Day is in 2 weeks (Halloween) and all of the emotions that come with that started to build up. Yesterday I could feel it, and told my WW how I was feeling and just asked that she be patient with me. She obliged and asked if there was anything that she could do to help. I just told her give me some distance, let me sit on the couch and watch some football. That was a bad idea. For one, I was already angry, then I watched my hometown team get beat pretty bad, and to top it all off, the team that beat them is from the city that my wife's AP lives. So, not a good start to a Sunday. Flooding commenced...

The emotions started to overflow shortly after the game was over, and I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier. I warned my wife that I needed space, and was not in the mood to talk through anything. She continued to press and asked that I remember how we are now, and acknowledge that what happened in the past is "in the past". I know what she was trying to say, but what I ultimately heard at the time was "Get over it, its in the past"...I exploded. Full on melt down mode, told her there was no saving us and then hit her with the one thing I told her I would never bring up unless I absolutely meant it..."I WANT A DIVORCE!".

I told her that we need to start thinking through how we would tell my son, and figuring out an agreeable parenting arrangement. I pulled out my folder with my attorney information and signed retainer agreement. I showed it to her and told her that I would be calling in the morning to get the process started. I honestly felt in my heart, at that time, that divorce is what I truly wanted. She cried, begged, pleaded....everything, trying to convince me to stay. She told me that she will never stop fighting for me, she would not concede defeat and just let me go. Things were heated for a couple of hours, but I started to calm down, and thinking a little more clearly. Me bringing up divorce was to cause her the pain that I was feeling at the time, I get that. I have been through enough counseling to realize what my true intentions were. 

After a couple of hours I asked if we could talk, which obviously she wanted to do (she never really left me by myself during those few hours when things were heated). I apologized to her for bringing up divorce, but explained to her that in the moment, I meant every single bit of what I said. She said that she knew I meant it, but she also meant everything that she said at time also. The past is the past, she is a changed person, she could never forgive herself for what she did, she will never stop fighting, I am who and what she wants...those are all things that she said when I was erupting on her. She wasn't defensive, she wasn't combative, she was trying to be comforting and letting me know that she was willing to take whatever i was dishing out at the time, because I was worth it. 

Things got better last night, much better, and today is off to a pretty good start as well. However, I can't help but feel like we took a couple of steps back yesterday. She has told me in the past that her biggest fear is me deciding that I can't do this any longer and walking out the door. Me telling her that I wanted a divorce yesterday, and meaning it, no doubt reinforced those fears. 

Just looking for some perspective from you guys (both betrayed and unfaithful) on this. Maybe some tips on how to better manage these intense emotional feelings that come with d-days/anniversaries/etc. I thought I was in control, but yesterday was just further proof that I have a long way to go. 

**Of note, I recently started to taper myself off of my anti-depressant Wellbutrin. So not sure if that is playing a factor as well. Going to talk to my doctor about it later today. ** 
Male BS
Married 17 years
D-Day 11/1/2017
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Jennifer
Seventy7,

It sounds to me like you are still making progress and working through all your emotions. The road of healing is not a straight line. It is normal to still have these emotional reactions after 2 years. This does not negate all the work and healing you have already accomplished. It just means that there are times where the pain of this situation still comes up.

It sounds like you are doing well overall! You talking about divorce may reinforce her fears but that is something for you guys to talk more about and is an opportunity for her to be vulnerable with you.
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Keepabuzz

seventy7,
      I am more than 4 years out from d-day, and at 2 years out I still experienced these same things as you.  Like you, I was never one to make threats. I always say what I mean. I do not say things “in anger”. I may say things I mean louder when I’m angry, but I still mean them. So, many times over the first few years of recovery, I said the same things you did, AND I meant them, and my wife wife KNOWS it. She has said her greatest fear was also that one day I just say “I’ve had enough” and walk out.  I can’t tell you how many times I came very close to doing exactly that. I mean from a “logical” standpoint, it was certainly not the smartest decision to stay. She had already had an affair, I had plenty of evidence, the state I live in, she wouldn’t have been awarded ANY spousal support due to her affair. We would have still had to divide assets, but I was only 40, so I was young enough to recover fairly quickly. I earn a good living, and provide a very comfortable lifestyle for her and my kids. My standard of living would not have changed if we divorced, but hers would have taken a nose dive. During those first 2 years my anger was at a pretty constant boil. So from her (and your wife’s standpoint), I can certainly see why that would be a fear. Honestly, it SHOULD be. After what they did, they should certainly fear that. It is honestly a likely outcome. 

About a year ago, I had a blowup much like you have described. I said similar things. My wife actually said that divorce should no longer be on the table. Well, that didn’t go in her favor. That set me off even worse and I informed her that divorce would NEVER be OFF the table and would always be an option for me. Also that she didn’t even need to betray me again for me to do it. If I even thought she might be betraying me, divorce. If she began to treat me like she used to, divorce.  I have no vows to her, my vows were null and void the instant she broke hers. I was only here for “better” as I had already lived “worst”. I was here, but only here conditionally. Fair conditions, but conditions none the less. 

I’m glad to hear your wife handled it well, that makes it easier. I also get there at times, where I tell my wife I need space, and not to talk to me. She normally abides, when she doesn’t it doesn’t go well. But when she does, it’s her trying to help, and I’m not in a place to accept it. 

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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seventy7
Keepabuzz wrote:

seventy7,
      I am more than 4 years out from d-day, and at 2 years out I still experienced these same things as you.  Like you, I was never one to make threats. I always say what I mean. I do not say things “in anger”. I may say things I mean louder when I’m angry, but I still mean them. So, many times over the first few years of recovery, I said the same things you did, AND I meant them, and my wife wife KNOWS it. She has said her greatest fear was also that one day I just say “I’ve had enough” and walk out.  I can’t tell you how many times I came very close to doing exactly that. I mean from a “logical” standpoint, it was certainly not the smartest decision to stay. She had already had an affair, I had plenty of evidence, the state I live in, she wouldn’t have been awarded ANY spousal support due to her affair. We would have still had to divide assets, but I was only 40, so I was young enough to recover fairly quickly. I earn a good living, and provide a very comfortable lifestyle for her and my kids. My standard of living would not have changed if we divorced, but hers would have taken a nose dive. During those first 2 years my anger was at a pretty constant boil. So from her (and your wife’s standpoint), I can certainly see why that would be a fear. Honestly, it SHOULD be. After what they did, they should certainly fear that. It is honestly a likely outcome. 

About a year ago, I had a blowup much like you have described. I said similar things. My wife actually said that divorce should no longer be on the table. Well, that didn’t go in her favor. That set me off even worse and I informed her that divorce would NEVER be OFF the table and would always be an option for me. Also that she didn’t even need to betray me again for me to do it. If I even thought she might be betraying me, divorce. If she began to treat me like she used to, divorce.  I have no vows to her, my vows were null and void the instant she broke hers. I was only here for “better” as I had already lived “worst”. I was here, but only here conditionally. Fair conditions, but conditions none the less. 

I’m glad to hear your wife handled it well, that makes it easier. I also get there at times, where I tell my wife I need space, and not to talk to me. She normally abides, when she doesn’t it doesn’t go well. But when she does, it’s her trying to help, and I’m not in a place to accept it. 



Thanks Keep - from the sounds of it, we are pretty similar. I was 38 when i found out about my wife's affair, and also contemplated the same things you mentioned above. I like to think of myself as a "catch"...I am relatively fit, do pretty well financially, and can make friends pretty easily. The main reason I stayed was not for my wife initially, it was for my son. My relationship with my son is what kept me here, and she knows that. After D-Day I operated on the 6-month plan (after reading your posts), and it works. I made my wife no promises, only that I will trust my gut over her everyday of the week...and that is a promise I will never break. The six month thing worked for the first year or so, then it started to set in that this is where I wanted to be. My wife was doing/saying all the right things. 

Speaking of my son - after my meltdown yesterday I went to my office and read a father's day card that he gave me in 2018. He was only 13 at the time when he wrote this: 

"Dad, I know there have been some rough times lately. During those times I know it has been hard for you, but I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for staying! You are the glue, support and backbone of this family and you are the one keeping us together. I am lucky to have a father who cares as much for his family as you do. Happy Father's Day!"

My son will never know the impact that this card had on me. I keep it tucked away in my desk and pull it out to read when I am having a tough day. My son has no idea what his mother did, nor will he ever find out. All he knows is that Mom & Dad had a pretty bad argument and we were working on our marriage.
Male BS
Married 17 years
D-Day 11/1/2017
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Keepabuzz

seventy7 wrote:


Thanks Keep - from the sounds of it, we are pretty similar. I was 38 when i found out about my wife's affair, and also contemplated the same things you mentioned above. I like to think of myself as a "catch"...I am relatively fit, do pretty well financially, and can make friends pretty easily. The main reason I stayed was not for my wife initially, it was for my son. My relationship with my son is what kept me here, and she knows that. After D-Day I operated on the 6-month plan (after reading your posts), and it works. I made my wife no promises, only that I will trust my gut over her everyday of the week...and that is a promise I will never break. The six month thing worked for the first year or so, then it started to set in that this is where I wanted to be. My wife was doing/saying all the right things. 

Speaking of my son - after my meltdown yesterday I went to my office and read a father's day card that he gave me in 2018. He was only 13 at the time when he wrote this: 

"Dad, I know there have been some rough times lately. During those times I know it has been hard for you, but I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you for staying! You are the glue, support and backbone of this family and you are the one keeping us together. I am lucky to have a father who cares as much for his family as you do. Happy Father's Day!"

My son will never know the impact that this card had on me. I keep it tucked away in my desk and pull it out to read when I am having a tough day. My son has no idea what his mother did, nor will he ever find out. All he knows is that Mom & Dad had a pretty bad argument and we were working on our marriage.


Like you you the ONLY reason I didn’t divorce her immediately was my kids. She was/is well aware of that. I’m glad my road map helped you through this mess. Like you, my children don’t know what my wife did. They know she didn’t treat me well, and “something” was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When I left on d-day, I did my best to seem ok, even though I was the farthest thing from it. I told them I had to leave for a business trip, which was very common. But normally they know in advance. All of my daughters hugged me tightly and kissed me goodbye as they usually did. It was fairly late, around 10pm. The only person that contacted me that night was my wife, which I ignored. The next day I actually went into one of our facilities that I managed. The leader of this site could instantly tell something was very wrong with me. We were friends as well. He told me to get out of there and take care of myself and that he would cover whatever was needed. I called my Mom, and she drove 4 hours to meet me at my hotel. Very rough day. Late that night, after my Mom had retired to her room, my 2 older daughters each started texting independently. It was well past their bedtimes, and they had separate rooms. So I knew they were independently checking on me. They were primarily worried about me, and secondarily worried that I was going to divorce their mom and that they would be forced to live with her. I made them no promises, and never let on what she had done. I was/am very close to my girls. They can read me like a book.  They didn’t ask what had happened, so a part of me thought they might know or had figured it out. The next day I planned to go to a family cabin we have on a lake, alone.  It was a 6 hour drive. On my way there, my girls continued to text me. They were getting more and more worried. So instead of taking the time I needed alone, I went back home. 100% for them. When I walked in my wife seemed relieved. My daughters weren’t home from school yet. I looked at her and said “I’m not her for you”, and walked right past her. I went up to our bedroom, and she followed crying. I said “I don’t care where you sleep, but it won’t be in here.”  She said she understood and asked if she could sleep on the couch in our room only to not upset the kids, since they would know something was wrong. I screamed at her “THEY ARE WELL AWARE SOMETHING IS WRONG!”  She asked again, I said she could sleep on the couch in our room. 

Reading the text from the card from your son literally brought a tear to my eye. That’s is what it’s all about. Everybody says they would do “ANYTHING” for their kids, I always did too. I never thought in a million years I would have to go through this heII for them, but I did. I had to put my money where my mouth was.  So I did. I would never stay forever for my kids, but I gave my wife a second chance that she didn’t deserve for them, not her.  I have told her that, word for word.  Think of how proud he would be of you if REALLY knew the pain and suffering you have endured!  

I have a card like that from my oldest daughter. She is not mine biologically, and I hate the word “stepchild”. She is every bit as much my child as the others that carry my DNA.  She was diagnosed with depression and bi-polar when she was 15yo. About a year before my wife’s affair. She was self harming and suicidal. I never left her side, I never judged. We had to put her in a mental hospital for a few weeks to get her stabilized and on proper medication. She has had a rough go of things over the years since. She is out on her own, working, etc.  There have been times since then that I have had to show “tough love”. Which was harder for me than she will ever know. But she has gotten straightened out and is doing well now. Since have me a birthday card this year that she wrote both of the inside pages full telling me how much she loved and appreciated me, and all that I have done for her. She told me how she knew and all has known in her heart that I loved her as my own, and that she feels so sorry for friends of hers that have the stereotypical relationship with their step parent. She told me how thankful she is to have me in her life. That card was the best gift I have ever received in my entire life. I will cherish it always. Like you, I read it often, especially when I’m having a particularly difficult day.  

At about a year and a half out from d-day, for Christmas (in addition to normal gifts) I wrote each of my children a letter. I wanted them each to know how much I loved them. How proud I was of each of them. What they meant to me. I told my wife that I was doing it, and offered to let her read them first. She declined and said that is between you and them. On Christmas morning after all the regular gifts had been opened and the excitement had died down I told they each had one more gift, and I handed them the letters. I told them all that they didn’t have to read them then. They were welcome to wait until later. My youngest opened it instantly and was crying as soon as she read the first sentence. She read the letter to herself, crying the whole time, then came and gave me the biggest hug ever, and told me how much she loved me. The other thanked me, but said they preferred to read it alone since seeing their little sisters react.  That night they each texted me with appreciation, and told me how much they loved me and how thankful they were to have me. I really wanted to touch their soul, and I did. During this time I was still very depressed,  I “think” I hid it well with everyone except my wife, but even she didn’t know how bad it was. About a week after Christmas my wife said she wanted to talk to me. She wanted to ask me something. The kids were all gone, and she sat me down on the couch and said “I need to know something. Were those letters you wrote to the kids, were those goodbye letters?”  I said “I have no plan, but if I lose the battle one night, I want them to know how I felt. I wanted them to have something they could read over and over again, in case I’m not here anymore.”  Of course as I’m saying this my wife has tears streaming down her face. She says “Can you keep your guns at your friend’s house for a while?” My answer was no, if I lose the battle one night, gun or no gun it will be over.  Those kids are the sole reason I am on this side of the grass today.

You’re on the right path. It’s slow and painful. Full of pot holes and detours, but just keep moving forward. Don’t look at this as a set back, because it’s not. lol at this as just another step on the road, because that is what it is. You head and heart are pointing the right direction, you have clear boundaries, your wife is doing the right things. It does get better, I don’t think it ever goes away, but it does get better. I haven’t had thoughts of divorce in a long time. It never goes away, but just like everything else in the rear view mirror, it does get smaller.....

Male BS, D-day July 2015, trying to stay out of the dark.....
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anthro
I have had a number of episodes like that. They have become less frequent and I could say they are now very infrequent. I am probably not quite ready to say there'll never be another, although overall I hope there won't be. I don't think these kinds of episodes are a sign that points either way.
Formerly known as Anthropoidape... male bs, long affair, d-day Feb 2017.
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Skelling
77 I am so sorry this happened. I was away for the long weekend and experienced something similar. So although not really helpful in your situation but at least you know, you are not the only one and its perfectly "normal" to have days like this. Btw I was set off by a tiny scene out of a stupid movie, I went to see with my kids. The Adams Family. Right???? How would I possibly get triggered watching that??!! Well I was and it wasn't a small one either. It derailed the whole day and I was trying to fight it hard, trust me. There was just one tiny scene, where the father is pulling the mom out of harms way, doing what my husband had promised to do for me but instead pushed me in harms way. Yes stupid I know but as it was before I can't control what triggers are and how much they affect me. I can try and fight them as best as I can but sometimes, we just lose that battle. 
I have a HUGE amount of respect for you though to get the strength from your child without burdening him with what was done to you. I resent myself, that I wasn't able to be that strong and protect and shield my children better. Thats on me. 
Keep same for you. Your story is both so sad but also inspiring. I am glad you chose life but I can relate to how hard it must have been to choose it. Both of your kids are right, they can be very proud of their dads. It gives me hope for my own story. So don't you dare stop fighting you two (says my selfish self 🙂)
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Phoenix
This are many episodes my BS and I have often. It has been 24 months and he is still here by the grace of god. It an extremely hard situation to manage. Everyday he has triggers at all hours in many different random ways.  We had a small discussion yesterday that I did not take very well. It had to do with me going back to counseling. I felt him act different all day after I came back from it. I am assuming it is a reminder for him of what I have done. Even though it is a good thing that I am doing it the reason for doing is not. I asked but he said he was fine. 

We also just had our 2nd year anniversary of Dday and he told me he had put the divorce papers in. I know now he said that just to hurt me but he told me that he has looked into it. I am also terrified of him leaving. It has nothing to do with anything monetary or our kids. Our kids are pretty much grown. For me is the loss of a lifetime together because of my selfishness. I would not be able to see my life with out him, we have been together more than half of our lives. I know, then why did I do what I did if I did not want to lose him. ðŸ™ I have said all the things your wife has said to you. I am glad to hear that you are more open to take them in. I do believe when the WS's say that it will get better. As of now my BS is taking CBD oil and it keeps him calm and relaxed. I asked my husband last night if our roads would every cross again, meaning would we ever be on the same page regarding our relationship. This time he said, I don't know probably when I regain trust in you. He has never said something like that to me in the last 2 years. 

Every single person who is going through this and is staying is very courage's. There is nothing more painful than this. I got a tattoo this weekend on my rib cage and people kept telling me it will be painful in that area. Even the tattoo artist warned me. While I sat there and there were times it was very painful I thought to myself "there can be nothing more painful than what my BS has been going through for the last 2 years". 
 
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Iwinsome
I am approaching 4 years d day... feel we are as happily married now as w e ever were..he is more in tune now with what that means...but the date still approaches and the knowledge remains that you never really know anyone! It's a sadness that comes from knowledge that you never wanted to know! And a loss of the innocence that you go into marriage hoping for true love, fidelity and happily ever after. .. and it's a rare thing to have all of those things ... two out of three ain't bad!
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